Monday, August 13, 2007

Die Hand Die Verletzt

In the clearest sign yet that the Bush Presidency is a total and catastrophic failure, Presidential adviser and noted coprophile Karl Rove has announced that he will bail out of the more or less sunk ship of state in August, to spend more time with whatever clutch of undead ravens he calls a family or to wait for some new brain-dead git to attach his remora-like suction cups to and ride back into the White House.

Oh, okay: he does have some sort of "family." According to Dana Perino, "He's a great colleague, a good friend, and a brilliant mind. He will be greatly missed, but we know he wouldn't be going if he wasn't sure this was the right time to be giving more to his family, his wife Darby and their son. He will continue to be one of the president's greatest friends." His wife, Darby? Agh, now the man has sullied the Germs forever for me.

Rove got his political start at the beginning of time, where he convinced Cain to slay Abel and thus ensure humanity would be even more inbred than ever thought possible. Cain, whose bounty of fruits and vegetables seemed to pale in God's eyes to the suckling pig and hearty meats of Abel, was eventually forgiven, but ever after, vegetarians were thought of as fratricidal pussies, which pleased Rove.

Some of Rove's other career highlights included:

--the disappearance of the entire Roanoke colony
--setting the Hindenberg on fire
--the assassination of William McKinley
--getting aliens to kidnap Agent Mulder's sister
--fixing the Academy Awards so that Crash, inexplicably, won
--Shelly Sekula Gibbs (spawned from a lanced boil on his ass)
--most of the famines and a goodly portion of the pestilence
--the wreck of the Andrea Gail

While many tinfoil-hat clad morons believe Rove caused 9-11, this was not the case. That said, you never heard him complaining about it!

The precise date and time of Rove's departure is not known, but White House officials will probably awake to the faint but unmistakable smell of brimstone and discover the words "It's been a pleasure working with you" scrawled on the walls of the Oval Office. Decades of attempts to clean those words off the wall will be a failure. Also: one or two corpses will inevitably be found on the White House grounds.

After Rove's departure, President Bush will be advised mainly by a set of Star Wars action figures and a monkey wearing a fedora.


Rusty said...

Is the title of this post a reference to an X-Files episode? Like, the one where Satan was a substitute teacher who could transform into a snake? I saw it baby-sitting when I was in, like, 6th grade and it kept me up for days.

Ok, Wiki says it means "the hand that wounds." That makes much more sense in this context.

The Deceiver said...

You aren't mistaken...there are many X-Files references in this post. But, yeah, "The hand the wounds..."--seemed perfect.

Mrs Dementor said...

In addition to the Star Wars action figures and monkey in a fedora, you should add in that bird drinking-out-of-a-glass toy, the one that Homer uses at the nuclear plant in the Simpsons when he's wearing a muumuu. Do you think Rove is a Death Eater? Good riddance, the world is brighter without the Scion of Evil as the master puppeteer behind the scenes.