Monday, August 27, 2007

Worthless Assbag Valueless, Yet Aromatic Container of General Flatulence Alberto Gonzales Apparently Resigns

[Title updated to accomodate a request for more "flowery" language.]

Well, it looks like the next time Alberto Gonzales wants to tap your phones, he'll likely have to do so under the aegis of private citizenship, because he has apparently resigned to spend more time forcing his family to do horrible, uncomtemplatable things on their deathbeds.

Gonzales, pictured here with the equally terrifying, equally useless ghoul they put in charge of Homeland Security (in a picture that's sure to be widely LOLCatted with the caption "invisible dick" or "Protectin Amurika: Ur Doin it Wrong!!!!!11!") attempted to turn the nation into his own, Shia LaBoeufless version of Disturbia, but despite all the pains he took to mangle the Constitution and torture anyone he felt like, managed to contribute virtually nothing to the safety or well-being of the Nation, save for firing a bunch of U.S. Attorneys that wouldn't ascribe to a full 100% of the Administrations batshit plans.

Just how bad was Alberto Gonzales? Well, he actually managed to find a way to drive the nation into such a dismal, depressing place, that at times, through his actions, I actually came to think of John Ashcroft--JOHN FUCKING ASHCROFT!!!--as a real American hero. Obviously, as a country, we are basically midway through a headlong leap into the void.

Gonzales will be allowed to break whatever law he wants with impunity for as long as his great big buddy George W. Bush remains president, so, if you value your life and possessions, you will keep all of your doors and windows locked and send your children off to boarding school in Iceland, in the hopes that they will survive and one day write an epic poem relating our folly to the world.

1 comment:

Jon said...

You should be careful with this post title. I think "worthless assbag" doesn't really do justice to your feelings about Gonzales. You make up for it in the actual post, but I started reading with a general feeling of irritation that you hadn't used more flowery language.

Unless you toned down the title out of respect for readers who might be at work, figuring that calling him what you really wanted to call him might get people in trouble. In that case, carry on.