Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: Romney-Craig, A Presidential Cock-Blocking

Once upon a time, the Xenu-hating robot Mitt Romney and endearingly pervy Larry Craig couldn't be tighter. Craig was Romney's "Senate liaison," and total BFFs for life. But, as you no doubt know, while Mitt was busy rearing Tagg, Craig was hard at work trying to tag some rears, and when, the news broke about Craig's bathroom indiscretion, Romney had to frost Craig in public as a part and parcel of needing to pretend like he was hearing about the whole mess for the first time.

It's all so sad, a candidate and his wingman, breaking up for good. This fickleness is par from the course for Romney: as Ana noted not too long ago, Mitt "distanced himself from his own wife once it was reported she donated to Planned Parenthood." Say what you want about Romney, but when you've got an opposition research team working the other side of your own bedroom, your candidacy is pretty hardcore.

Naturally, Craig's totes aggrieved at the whole set of circumstances. He told Matt Lauer today, "[Romney] not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again." Note that he cried on Lauer's shoulder, rather than seek the comfort and support from the ladies of the Today Show "Fourth Hour!"

What we wonder, of course, is how this is going to affect Craig's loyalties when it comes time to cast his vote for a Republican nomination seeker. Clearly, he was drawn to Romney for his doe-eyed, ditzy vulnerability and his overall fuckableness. If he learns how to quit Mitt, where's he going to go. Mike Huckabee is looking pretty good these days but everyone knows that he's all super-Christy-married to his wife and probably wears one of those hard plastic cock-sockets that the Daily Show did a piece on, where your penis is fortified against accidental titillation when you have to whip it out and take a leak. There's a remote chance that Giuliani swings that way (he's at least tripled the number of sham marriages Craig has, anyway) - but Rudy's probably an uber-dominant top who likes to play the "mean dad," so unless Craig wants to get cracked open, 9-11 style, it's unlikely he's going to cast his lot with him.

Of course, that leaves weird Ron Paul, Alan Keyes and the remaining collection of bad-haired gentlemen whose waxy skin encloses an assortment of dessicated, gin-soaked organs. So, the question remains: Who is Craig going to vote for in the Idaho primary?

The answer? Trick question! No one gives a slick fart about the Idaho primary!

(We also would have accepted "Hillary Clinton.")

PS: God, wouldn't it be GREAT to find yourself in a voting booth adjacent to the one Larry Craig was in, come election day? You'd almost HAVE to try tapping his foot, wouldn't you?


Beth said...

I think ol' Larr' is gonna hear lots of tapping feet in his future.

Great post!

callie kimball said...

I find it disturbing that I now think of Larry Craig when I use a public restroom and someone is in the stall next to me.