Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Okay, Jones Soda must be stopped.

Rare are the instances that a news article begins with a sentence like this:

Ever wonder what the Seahawks' locker room tastes like after a big game?

Uhm, let's see...I think I'll go with...fuck NO? Well, the rapacious gustatory dicks at the Jones Soda Company have based their latest atrocity on the gridiron exploits of those same Seatte Seahawks, and really...this shit is getting ridiculous:

Clare Bowles, a spokeswoman for the Seattle-based company, said the four literally named flavors -- Dirt, Sports Cream, Perspiration and Natural Field Turf -- are "pretty lifelike."

"Perspiration Soda is kind of salty tasting," she said, with a slightly higher sodium content than the average soda, with a smooth, "stinky football sock" finish.

A sip of Sports Cream Soda conjures up the experience of rubbing ointment into an aching muscle, while Natural Field Turf Soda is like "playing tackle football, and you get tackled really hard, you're down on the ground and you get a little bit of the grass in your teeth," Bowles said.

The only sweet soda of the bunch, Sweet Victory, has a berry flavor.

Oh, sweet mercy. doesn't this shit just give Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that much more room to criticize us? Natural Field Turf Soda? Stinky football sock finish? And there's no way a soda could possibly "conjure up the experience of rubbing ointment into an aching muscle." Know how I know? Because the taste of that experience is NOT GERMANE TO THE EXPERIENCE.

Of course, it figures that "Sweet Victory" would just get some vague, berry flavor. I mean, they go such lengths to nastify the entire football experience, but when it comes time to build the recipe for how victory tastes, these assholes are just, "Uhm, I dunno...berries maybe? Don't you think berries?"

Then again, like any Seattle Seahawk fan has the first fucking idea what a "Sweet Victory" is like.

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