Thursday, November 08, 2007

Gift Ideas For My Supreme Clientele.

I know you'll be looking for the perfect gift for me this year. Won't you? No? Well, I can hardly blame you. But regardless, if you are looking to get something for anyone this year, I can offer you two firm recommendations.

This advent calendar is a festive piece of old country charm, sold by the lovely people of Hanover, Germany. It's a place where tradition and history still mean something. So much so, that they've depicted one of their town's most notable figures from history: 1920s serial killer Fritz Haarmann, who offed 24 people. As Consumerist relates, he's "one of 24 famous people from Hanover who appear on the calendar." That's him, in the circle, with the cleaver, stalking the frolicsome hockey players. But get it quickly! The limited run of 20,000 calendars is selling briskly, and they won't be bringing Haarmann back next year.

Of course, the reason for the season is teh birf of Jesus, who before his posthumous desecration at the hands of people -- like Pat Robertson -- who trade on His name to sell indulgences to plutocratic cunts and provide political cover for bigoted stooges, was well known for his exploits in the Holy Land, spitting freestyle wisdom, supermanning a few moneylenders, rolling with fine bitches and crew twelve deep, and more or less keeping the weak-ass punks of His age in check. Circa 2007, there's probably no one on the Earth who embodies these winning traits more than two-time 30 Rock guest Ghostface Killah, which is why the recently released Ghostface Killah doll - which features "14 karat gold jewelry, a velvet robe, and an electronic chip inside of it featuring six original Pretty Toney catchphrases (recorded by the man himself!)" - is such an awesome gift idea. It's the perfect gift for kids, as it will serve as a steadfast symbol of strong, Christian values, like not growing up to be the fool who recorded "Laffy Taffy."

Joy to the world!

1 comment:

Blogs t r e t c h said...

Dammit Ghostface! If you hadn't gone for the real bling action, that thing would be in every stocking I stuff this year.