Thursday, November 01, 2007

Now That We Are Facebook Friends, Let's Establish a Few Ground Rules.

Oh hai. As you well know, I have been to the Facebooks, and I have largely enjoyed the experience. It's rather nice to be connected to all of you in some way, whether it's merely to keep abreast of your status and/or struggles to correctly use the third person singular of the verb "to be" or to pester you with questions as to whether or not I should seek professional help and/or self-medication to alleviate a burgeoning crush on Anne Kornblut. In all these ways and more, Facebook has been rewarding. Yet, I feel that before we go any further, we need to establish a few ground rules.

1. Don't expect too much from this relationship.
It's best not to go into this with a lot of high expectations. Yes, it's lovely to keep in touch, but I don't want to lead you on. For many of you, our contact will be sporadic because of time constraints. Expect me to be run hot and cold on the conversating. I'm flighty, to begin with. But I am also prone to long periods of time where I just want to keep my own counsel, or am busy at work with a bunch of things that are sapping my gregariousness. Still, for many of you, this renewal of friendship on Facebook isn't going to result in me agreeing to help you move or pick you up at the airport. Deal with that, and keep the number of an area taxi service on hand.

2. You'd better think before you take that movie compatibility quiz.
Seriously. We've gotten along great so far, but the moment you start evincing a love for Broadcast News or any of the films from the Fast and the Furious franchise, you could be putting our relationship at risk. Maybe it's best, after all, to keep that shit to yourself, because on Facebook, none of you can escape the motherfucking truth.

3. Nothing personal, but I'm going to have to decline your offers to participate in pretend zombieism and/or lycanthropy.
A good rule: do you think I'd want to do this nonsense in real life? Probably not. There's just something so freshman dorm about it. If it makes you happy, then hell, do it. But don't get all bent out of shape when I take a pass.

4. Sure, go ahead. "Buy" me a "drink."
It's a lovely gesture. And look, we both know and accept the reason why you don't ever buy me any real life drinks: you're totally poor.

5. Don't be surprised if I don't join a lot of groups.
Yes. I am aware that there are a lot of opportunities to join groups on Facebook. And if you're Dan Ancona or Garance Franke-Ruta, there's a good chance that at some point in the very near future, you'll have succeeded in joining all of them. But I feel like I have to be really shrewd about what groups I join. It's like Kriston Capps and I were discussing: if I impulsively join something like "Virginia Tech is in the Wahoos Hearts Forever," what happens when I lose interest? If I leave the group, everyone in the damned world's going to get a message about it. And then I'll feel like a dick.

6. But we should totally start a group about our love for the rock keytar.
Now, that's a group Kriston and I would totally join.

7. What's with all the walls?
Really. I don't want to write on your Super wall or your Graffiti wall. I thought Facebook was about making connections. About staying in touch. About forging lasting bonds. If that's true, then why are we building all these walls? Walls can only divide us. Unless of course, at some point, Facebook mandates the need for a Ceiling, in which case I'll obviously need some Load-Bearing walls.

8. I'm sorry, but I cannot participate in the battle between Ninjas and Pirates.
And if you could recall the Ninja-Pirate War of '94, you'd know better than to ask. I saw the best men of my generation blown to pieces by cannon fire and eviscerated with their own throwing stars--to say nothing of the senseless slaughter that took place after one of the ninja leaders insisted we could walk on water because we were ninjas and he thought that meant we could do that. (The's totally not true!) Just the thought of it brings up terrible, traumatic memories for me. You wouldn't make light of such things if you'd seen what I've seen--if you've sat there, cradling a comrade in your arms, trying vainly to shove his guts back into the singed and bloody hole torn in his torso. They were all so young and so beautiful. And in the flicker of an instant, they were gone. Ou sont les ninjas d'antan? Ou sont?

9. Seriously: Twitter.
Must I?

10. Finally, look: enough with the Poking.
If you want to fuck, then, for Pete's sake, man up and just say so.


WWB said...

Seriously, you don't like Broadcast News? What's wrong with you?

Anonymous said...

How do you know [username]?

-Lived together
-Worked together
-We dated
-We hooked up