Thursday, November 15, 2007

Tonight's Debate, Badly Liveblogged!

Cheers bitches! This will be your unofficial liveblog of tonight's debate, which for many of you will be experienced as something you read tomorrow that won't make a lick of goddamned sense. Surely you are watching 30 ROCK tonight...SURELY.

Anyway, after two weeks of MSNBC carrying the post-debate ball and finding nothing to talk about other than Hillary Clinton's gender, it's a palpable relief tonight that CNN will assume control and spend the next two weeks talking about Hillary Clinton's gender. Because these guys are morons. Lou Dobbs is blathering right now, blah blah blah. Dumbass. Anyway, we're about a minute away from the first "What happens in Vegas STAYS IN VEGAS!!" joke. Good luck, America! All your candidates are candied douchebags!

WOLF: This will be the first debate ever in Las Vegas! Coming one day: TWO STORY BUILDINGS! Dare to dream, Nevadans!

John Edwards needs help FROM A LADY to find his way on stage! Chris Dodd is all, "Yeah, I can find my own way!" He HATES the GRRLS! Barack's here, so Andrew Sullivan can break out the AstroGlide. I think Hillary's a little sauced tonight: "How arrrrr yerr, Wolf!" She's in the middle again! Like Alice from the Brady Bunch. The maid!

WHAT
is with the sideline reporting? Get on with it! ER is on tonight! I think it's an EVENT.

Howard Dean just whispered something to Bill Richardson. Probably, "Don't worry, we have you for Veep, chico!"

That fifteen seconds of dead air, staring at Blitzer? Yeah. That saved seven minutes off my life.

No loud bells! No flashing lights! Wouldn't be appropriate in Vegas. Green is Universal!

Wolf will stop you from straying to the "tropics!"

Q:
Hillary. You suck. Everybody thinks so. What do you have to say about that?

A: My clothes won't burn! (God, start with me with a process question? SO ORIGINAL.) So here are my unoriginal answers: I have experience!

WOLF: Barack, care to pile on?

A: Oh, I think she's great! It's the American people that don't. I'm just here, delivering the message from the American people. I like Hillary! I'm like, "No, no, American people, listen to her." But they're all, "We want healthcare and stuff, rowr!" What's a genial guy like me to do?

Q: Hillary?

A: Yeah. I don't agree. And I don't tip, apparently.

Q: Barack?

A: Blah blah!

And, Hillary jumps back in, because she helps children. At a mention of the word, "Children" everyone applauds. Someone is yelling in the audience, because THIS IS BORING! What do the rest of the candidates get to do?

Q: Guys, guys, let me let Senator Edwards get in his licks!

A: This president has destroyed our trust. But we can't run against him, so I'll liken Clinton to Bush so I can feel like a crusader.

And now Hillary responds AGAIN. Jesus wept. Joe Biden looks like he's stuck at the kid's table at Thanksgiving.

Q: Senator Biden, what do you think of this great campaign storyline we're building here?

A: UHM THIS IS BULLSHIT. Christ, there are actual important things to talk about. And when he starts going, Wolf cuts him off, and Biden gets a little comedy in. Hilarious.

Q: John Edwards, aren't you a douche for suggesting that Hillary's a flip-flopper when you got flips and flops all over the place.

A: Unlike, say, this debate, people can grow, people can learn. But people can have choices! There are hungry people. People who need to eat backbones!

Q: Senator Dodd, WTF is up with John Edwards?

A: This debate is shrill! People go to work and sit around and worry! Stop yelling. STOP YELLING! STOP BEING SHRILL!

Q: Bill Richardson?

A: I will not start wars! I will quote John Lennon lyrics! Now, please God please can we actually have a debate. PLEASE!

Q: Will each of you support the eventual candidate?

A: Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Kucinich, Yes, Yes.

Q: Obama, what's up with immigrants? Oh, look at me, Campbell Brown, setting you up to talk about drivers licenses! Oh, deary me!

A: I will throw lightning at employers! I am BLACK ZEUS! Get out of the shadows and prepare for my stiff penalties!

Q: Ooops! Ooops! You didn't rise to the bait! Driver's Licenses! Driver's Licenses!

A: Okay. Don't tell anyone, but I'm in favor of this. But don't make it MY wedge issue!

Q: Do you support it!

A: "I am not opposing that's what we do?" I thought this guy was clean and articulate! Barack got hoisted on Hillary's petard!

I have to tune this out for just a second. Seriously, these are all mealy-ass answers!

Kucinich: THERE ARE NO ILLEGAL HUMAN BEINGS! AND NO "IDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS."

Q: Senator Dodd, what will you do to sell out the teachers' unions?

A: Dodd's answer is getting hosannas from Wife of DCeiver, which is recent enough to vote for him. "What GOVERNMENT job do you get merit pay?" she says. EXACTLY. If government service were paid on merit Capitol Hill would be full of beggars.

Q: Kucinich, what do you HATE about unions?

A: My dad was a truck driver! And I'm starting up a CONVOY. But I'm against drilling anything other than my hot wife, and the Teamsters sure as shit aren't invited to that.

RICHARDSON: I'm going to steal Dodd's "NCLB is a disaster!" line. Dodd seems okay with that. WE MUST STOP KILLING COLLEGE STUDENTS! KENT STATE! KENT STATE!

Q: Clinton, what do you think about teacher merit pay?

A: We need hot teachers for our hard areas! Let's get everybody a talk about it. A collegial collaboration. Whatever that means.

Q: Joe Biden?

A: My wife is awesome at teaching!

Q: Biden, Pakistan is STR8 BANANAZ. WTF?

A: I called Pervez before the President and told him to take his clothes off, or no aid! But I'm not in charge--SOOPER CRYZ. But no one else makes detailed plans like me! America: u can haz detaled planz!

Q: Bill Richardson, what about you? Will you disrobe Pakistan? DO YOU WANT THE TERRORISTS TO GET THE NUKEYOULAR WEAPONS?

A: We forgot our principles. Human rights are more important than national security. AND HE'S RIGHT!

Q: Edwards?

A: Pakistan is a living, breathing example of some sort of convoluted animal that I don't have time enough to explain. But I'm going to get rid of the nukes. WITH MAGIC.

Q: Obama?

A: I will tie our fates to other folks!

Q: Dodd?

A: I hope you find this ironic. Like rain on your wedding day. Also: what if Islamic jihad wins elections? Seriously, some of these countries would elect RON PAUL! That's danger!

Q: Hillary?

A: We are now in a bind! And not a sexy bind that say, me and Huma Abedin are rumored to be in. We totally aren't, but damn, let's face it: THAT WOULD BE HOT. In a small way, my all-female college prepared me to find that idea REALLY HOT."

Kucinich: Hello, hello?

Wolf: No, we're done with you.

Q: What about David Petraeus? Is he fill of glimmery shit, or what?

Richardson: Don't talk about Body Count. That Ice-T side project was not very talented and more or less rode on the controversy of that anti-police song.

Q: Kucinich, is the troop surge working?

A: The Democrats should not be giving Bush one thin dime to continue the War in Iraq. AND HE'S RIGHT!

Q: Obama, is the troop surge working?

A: Yes, but only because our troops are magical and awesome. But the Iraqis kind of suck at running a country. Haven't you noticed? "We're back to where we started in 2006!" Uhm...this shit didn't start in 2006, dipshit.

Q: Parents are rifling through toyboxes! The toys from China are killing us! Dennis Kucinich, can you save us?

A: Patriot act! Yucca mountain! These things suck! Also: China. They suck. OOOOH, SNAP! He went right at John Edwards and I KIND OF LIKED IT! Why doesn't Elizabeth Edwards run? She'd be so much better than John! I AM NOT BACKING DOWN FROM THAT.

Q: Hillary, was Ross Perot right?

Me: Jesus. WHAT A QUESTION. I CAN DIE NOW. Wolf Blitzer has asked the dumbest question of ALL TIME. This probably fulfilled some dark prophecy or something.

A: I am calling a trade timeout. I will challenge trade with instant replay. I will defeat NAFTA in this year's Superbowl

Q: Dodd?

A: We gots to expand markets. We should have stopped poisoned products from coming into the country. GEE...YA THINK?

Q: Obama?

A: I am against South Korea. [Me: Well...that's an interesting position...]

DODD: We will cut off the chickens!

Q: Obama, oil is getting all flirty. What are we going to do about nuclear waste?

A: I can put it in my backyard. Next to the shed or something.

Q: But what if we cannot make a technological advancement?

A: GOD, WOLF...SHUT UP! I say we CAN do these thing! Be optimistic. The glass is half full. HALF FULL OF DANGEROUS NUCLEAR WASTE.

RICHARDSON: The future is renewable! Green is Universal! I will turn Yucca Mountain into a secret laboratory, FILLED WITH BRAINS!

Q: Hillary, explain how it is that you are a girl. How does that work? Is it true you have to SIT DOWN TO PEE?

ME: OOOH, SNAP! I SAID THAT HILLARY GOT THAT "KITCHEN LINE" FROM HARRY TRUMAN! Suck it, MSNBC!

Q: What did you mean by "Boy's Club."

A: Campbell Brown...are you some sort of total fucking idiot?

ME: Yes. Yes she is.

Q: Do any of you boys want to respond to that?

Me: God. Please say no.

Edwards: I'm going to avoid the question with some crap about "corporate Democrats," as if I've never been involved in hedge funds.

Thank God. A Break. Wolf is getting chairs. I can't believe there's another HOUR OF THIS SHIT!







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