Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: Our favorite consultant re-emerges.

Finally! I've been waiting for this name to appear in the news somewhere! From the Politico:

"One of the signifiers to this insurgent progressive constituency is a willingness to stick a finger in the eye of the establishment media," said Chris Lehane, a Democratic strategist who isn't working for a presidential campaign, though he's close to New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's.
Yes! Lehane rides again! Maybe. Sort of. For those of who you don't know, Lehane has historically distinguished himself as a dickhead-par-excellence in Democratic-handler circles, capable of alienating even those who thought they couldn't possibly be pushed to a larger dimension of alienation.

During the 2004 campaign, John Kerry saddled himself with this prick, and found himself floundering going into the Iowa Caucuses. That's when Kerry made one of his few great decisions and fired Lehane. Almost immediately, Kerry's fortunes improved, and after Howard Dean yelled into a microphone that was running live to the media, consequently making him sound crazy, Kerry stormed off with the nomination. Lehane would go on to totally fuck up Wes Clark's campaign beyond all recognition.

As noted above, Lehane isn't yet attached officially to a campaign, mainly because his presence is the equivalent of grim, creeping, unctuous death. But, note the shrewd strategy on the part of the Clinton campaign: they're keeping him close, probably because at some point, they'll offer him a job just so they can fire him again and reap the massive "We Fired Chris Lehane" bounce in the polls that follows hard upon. It's so crazy it just might work. GOD POLITICS ARE TEH AWESOME!!!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Strange Monday.

Don't know what to make of myself. First, I face up to the fact that I may have had common ground with Hillary at one point in our lives. Then, Mike DeBonis gave us a shot-back in the comments that honestly had me nodding my head and thinking, "Ahhh, this DeBonis...he's allright." Now, Rachel has a post up talking about how Nancy Grace almost seems human, and, yeah--I agree. Though not for whatever she did on The View today--but for pointing out recently that as bad as Mike Vick's dog-killing escapades are, crimes against dogs are not, in fact, worse, than crimes against women.

Wow. I must have accidentally gone off my meds.

The Audacity of Dopes: Finally, Something I Can Get Behind!

This is hardly surprising, but it looks like I would have liked young, drunk and stupid Hillary Clinton in the same way I probably would have liked young, drunk and stupid George W. Bush. As the rest of the world knows, both were likely as fine and as flawed people as anyone else until they started listening to whatever crazy fucking voices lived in their head (Read: Cheney, in the latter case) and became hectoring taskmasters who think everyone in America is some sort of idiot infant.

People are now getting to know Hillary through her Portrait of the Candidate as a Young and Disaffected Wellesley student (where she roomed with Grant Hill's mother! And maybe double dated with Al Gore and that dude from Reservoir Dogs using whatever lo-fi pre-Internet version of Facebook everyone used to have awkward life-killing sex back then (I know...not bloody likely, but we like to pretend because in Pretend Land fewer people are tortured for sport)) that's coming out in various letters. Here's a snatch (tee hee! Wellesley!) that I read on Wonkette:

“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals?” Ms. Rodham wrote in an April 1967 letter. “How about a compassionate misanthrope?”
OMG! Yes! Compassionate misanthropy! Jesus! It appears that no matter how may want to deny it, there actually was a moment in time when Hillary Clinton totally got me! I'm not at all confident that this is going anywhere, but if Hill throws her funbags (tee hee! Robin Givhan!) behind a message of "compassionate misanthropy," I shall have no choice but to send her campaign a shiny Sacajewea dollar!

Not to worry though: I'll have shoved it up my ass prior to mailing! The ass-pennies are turning!

Coming Full Circle.

The Washington Post has decided to send Amit Paley to Iraq. I wonder how long that job opportunity stood open before someone took it? Anyway, I'd worry about whether Paley is suicidally depressed, but at least one outfit is questioning whether the Post is "sending a fabulist to Iraq": RedState.org, whose sitewide claim to fame was that time they sent a fabulist to...uhm, The Washington Post. I guess they're rilly rilly sensitive. If it turns out Paley is a fabulist, he could always seek advice from RedState as to how it's all someone else's fault. Anyway, covering one's ears and eyes and screaming "Neener neener!" is the new black. Just ask The Weekly Standard!

For All I Know, This Was a Secret Fringe Festival Performance.

Between the Neo-Futurists whipping up one of their famous Half-Naked Ninja Pudding Pies* and a double-barrelled blast of Casie Platt making me pee my pants, I figured to have seen the best shows possible this weekend. Naturally, I was wrong: Becks did!

*OMG. How fortunate is this! I never thought in a million years that I'd be lucky enough to see a performance of TMLMTBGB in which they managed to get through 29.5 plays out of 30 (let alone have three genial Chicagoans rolling around in my lap), but for whatever reasons, the Neo-Futurists forgot to start their 60 minute timer at the top of their show, and their generous estimate, which erred on the side of the audience, was enough to provide some critical minutes. Best birthday present ever!

ADDENDUM: I finally met someone named Kyle who did not attend East Carolina University. It was like a whole new world of possibilities has opened up!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

The City Paper: Goin' Out with Class!

So, Pete Morelowicz is upset at losing his job. And, to a certain extent, I feel bad for the guy. I'm told, and I could have this wrong, that he was the driving force behind the City Paper's new layout and design and resize, and, if so, then kudos--that was a bang-up, solid, excellent job. But if what made it into City Desk is meant to be his parting shot--and he wasn't totally shitfaced when he wrote it--then my sympathy is basically nil. Why? Because basically, what's befallen he and his colleagues is basically all our fault.

Basically, his gripe is: "This city used to be awesome. But then people I don't like moved in. And, blah blah, let me recycle the most tired "Starbucks" argument from 1996. Blah blah. U Street used to be a 'seed bed of talent.' I'm either too stupid to recognize the rich talent that is not coincidentally and arbitrarily located on a four block stretch of road that's the center of the universe as far as I'm concerned, or, I recognize it and have deemed it not cool. Whatever. My point is, I am losing my job because the people who live in DC are no longer cool enough to get what we're about. I blame them. They suck. The good old days are over. Whine! Whine! Meeeee! MEEEEEEEE!!"

Reading it pissed my friend Ryan off, who wrote: "I was almost to feeling sorry for the CP, until I read that art director's screed. It's actually a pretty perfect summary of the message CP has consistently presented over the past few years: DC was a whole lot better before you fuckers all moved here, and we can't even bother seeing if new fun and creative things are happening because yada yada Starbucks. It drips antipathy toward the people that live in this city; and they're surprised nobody wants to read them anymore." One commenter on the site basically nails it: "Man, I tell ya guys. I really felt for you (and for Kiki and folks at the Chicago Reader) but did you really mean to lash out at US, the READERS, when complaining about YOUR predicament?"

It pissed me off, too. I know a shit-ton of people who hard long and hard to make DC a unique place to live. I spend a ridiculous amount of my own time, kicking in a share of effort myself. And people who run theatres and host readings and promote exhibits and rehearse their music really have a lot of hard work on their plate without being asked to take the blame for the demise of the fucking City Paper.

But, after about a half-hour of steaming, here's what happened. My life in the city picked up again. Show at Woolly, drinks out, new Simpsons movie, birthday dinner, leisurely walk in the cooling night air up 7th, meeting up with friends at the Red Room, midnight show at Source...poor Petey's screed faded into the background of a typically riotous, typically unique weekend for me and for everyone else who realizes that "the good old days" aren't something you wait to happen to you, they're something you go out and seize.

But sometime just before the show began Saturday night, my mind alit on the memory of Pete's whining lament, and I took a look around the room. There I was, surrounded by a packed house, studded with people whose contributions to the unique and vibrant character of the city I could list at length, all enjoying this great big cultural celebration that Damian Sinclair and Julianne Brienza built for Washington out of their force of will, in a great old theatre that we all thought we were going to lose until some great people and members of the DC Council found a way to save it.

Oh, I had to laugh. The good old days, over? Yeah, that's one delusion I won't be participating in, I'm afraid. The way I see it, the only cultural aspect of the city that's been damaged by the sale of the City Paper is the City Paper's own weenie roast (the bourgeois-feints-at-edge event of the season, I'm sure). And what can I say. Everyone who says you are what you eat was apparently right!

At any rate, we'll see if Creative Loafing can do a better job than the current regime. I'm guessing that if they do, it'll be something of a surprise. But one thing it won't be, is a shame.
_______________

Let it be noted that the parts of that City Desk post written by Mike DeBonis truly are breathtaking. As advertised, he writes like there is no tomorrow. Golly...Mike DeBonis blog post...handjob from the Holy Ghost...WHO CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYMORE?

Friday, July 27, 2007

Death Cat for Cutie!

Freals, y'all, I don't know if you've been following the story of Oscar the Cat, who lives at a nursing home and who will apparently follow the patients into the dark should Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, subsequently reach the decision to illuminate the NO's on their vacancy signs, but damn if this weird story doesn't have legs.

Still, poor kitty! No one wants to cuddle with him!

The Audacity of Dopes: Oceans of Porn

I just watched this sublimely awful advertisement from Mitt Romney, which practically screams, "Seriously! Do not under any circumstances take me seriously as a candidate for President!" The only way he could drive the point home harder and faster and with greater pelvic torsion would be to start talking with Chairy and Clocky and the King of Cartoons and shrieking like a ninny anytime anyone said the magic word of the day.

Basically, he talks about the children and cesspools and quotes some dribble-drabble that oozed its way out of Peggy Noonan's word-hole and he makes it clear that he doesn't just want to be the guy to take over the job of losing the Endless Iraq War, he wants to re-lose Columbine or the OJ trial, too. If you just tune in for a snippet, you might coincidentally hear him talk about "cleaning up the water" for "THE CHILDREN!!!" But don't worry, petrochemical lobby...he doesn't want to literally make water safe. No, no! He wants to drain the water of pornography, and, since there are no ACTUAL bodies of water in which indigenous porn flourishes, what he really means is that he wants to drain the water of metaphors, perhaps even similes.

Which is ironic, because if there were an actual body of water with naturally occuring porn, the value of the fishing rights alone would be sufficient to fund all the Wars Against the Islamo-"fascists" that are set to occur until it either bankrupts the nation or causes Jesus to fly down from Heaven to set the lot of us on fire. And if we could fund these wars in that way, you'd likely get enthusiastic buy-in from all the neocon Satan-nerds, to the extent that Peggy Noonan would happily accept the fact that she'd need to wipe a dollop of spermatazoa from her chin every time she left a meeting at the American Enterprise Institute.

Anyway, Mitt Romney, everyone. Reach For Tomorrow!

Organic Grocer May Be Coming to 14th and Irving, Thus Precipitating the Great Columbia Heights Shutting Of The Fuck Up Of 2007.

I read on DCist and ReadExpress today that an old a beloved vestige from DCeiver: The Richmond Years (it's just like a Degrassi prequel!) may be making its way up I-95 and into our hearts. I speak of organic grocer Ellwood Thompson, whose Carytown location in Richmond was oft visited by then-Fiancee of DCeiver and myself, back when we were holding it down in the Capital of the Confederacy.

Back then, the grocer was a welcome oasis from what we called the Ukropolis--the dominant grocery chain in Richmond was Ukrops, owned by the Ukrops family--a group of pretend-Christian jerks who wouldn't permit the sale of alcohol at their stores (well, the ones named "Ukrops" anyway...hypocritically, their moral teachings didn't apply to the Community Pride stores they had a financial interest in, and I'm guessing that you can grok from the name "Community Pride" the precise sort of customer those stores served) and who waged a campaign to put the one really good rock station, WVGO (really, one of the last good mid-Atlantic rock stations) out of business after VGO put Howard Stern on the air (after the demise of VGO, Stern still finished fourth in the local radio ratings just from people tuning in to Norfolk, so,
the only accomplishment was to take away the rock station that got me through two hot, sticky summers I spent remodeling apartments in the neighborhood.

I think Ellwood Thompson would be fine addition to DC--they run their store along these guidelines: good food, presented simply, with quality service and not a lot of needless nonsense. My only concern is this: they make no attempt to bend over backwards to accomodate anyone's sense of entitlement or smugness, so, it's very possible that the small posse of douchenozzles who like to squint and pretend they have a Foxhall Road address, and who've tried and failed to give the neighborhood the ridiculous name "CoHi" (or "Cheights"--the preferred moniker of people who are so useless that if Jesus said he'd teleport them into the center of the sun for you you'd still say, "Nah, don't put yourself out, Christ, let's play Guitar Hero instead because I want to see you shred."), and who took to their precious little listservs to cry great big salty tears that their longed for Whole Foods wasn't coming and instead they were getting--GASP!--a Ross (and, for real, puh-lease--you dumb motherfuckers need to repeep your bankroll and return to ground level, tout-suite, and anyway, there's a Ross smack-middle-dab in OLD TOWN of all places, so ge-he-he-he-het over yoursel-hel-hel-helves) may not come away from the Ellwood Thompson experience with the feeling that they got the tips of their nipples twiddled in that extra special way that douchnozzles the world over have come to believe is their birthright.

But for the rest of the folks in Columbia Heights, this is potentially good news, and you should root for it. Believe that.

The DC Do's and Don'ts

DO make it a point to visit the Holocaust Museum while you are in Washington DC. Well-curated and thought provoking, it's a somber trip, but it's well worth making.

DON'T drop half a tab of Ecstacy prior to your visit. Trust us. You'll miss a lot of the message. Save that shit for the Freer.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

DCeptette: That's right! LASER BEAMS.

  1. Look, I'm as big a science fiction fan as the next guy, but come on! Where are the dragon-squids that shoot lasers out of their eyes? The psychic ghost aliens from the dark side of Saturn? The climactic, perilous chase through the astro-comet fields of Rigel 9 in the graviton Star Sleds? It's a good start, but it needs a lot of work. [National Review Online]
  2. Deion Sanders offers his oh-so trenchant viewpoint on the matter of Michael Vick: "I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It's like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn't tap out when he knows he can't win." And, upon the conclusion of his remarks, Deion did what he always does when he took the field as a pro: danced around like some sort of ass. [Deadspin]
  3. Why kill a Canada goose? Their "prolific pooping poses a nuisance." Oh, okay. Diff-er-ent standards for Kay Bailey Hutchison, then! That's okay. We know the score. [DCist]
  4. The Hill announces the launch of "Hill Tube!" Thanks for releasing the copyright, Mark Foley! [FishbowlDC]
  5. Repurpose/resource: 1.) Thanatopsis: What a Death-Predicting Cat Has To Say About Dow Jones, 2.) Richie/Sawyer Sitdown Set to be the Frost/Nixon of the Twenty-First Century

I suppose I could do better that that...

...Ankush, but I don't need to. If you want to take a panoptic view of what every party in every party has to say about how to extricate ourselves from Iraq, then, yes, eventually it's possible to throw just about everyone into the category marked: "advocates a phased withdrawal." That must have been a fun little intellectual exercise! But what people say they support--and for my part, I hear Hillary, for instance, offering to simply become CEO of the current miasma, not end it--is irrelevant when it's all just a bill of goods that's getting sold just to get someone elected.

And, as far as the Democrats indulging themselves in a little wish fulfillment to get John Q.'s hopes up, the walk I have to take to substantiate it is only as far as...let's see...oh! Look! This week's debate! Where Bill Richardson basically offered up "We'll get everyone out in six months!" only because "six months" sounded prettier than the "one year" Joe Biden was offering. They battled and battled over that point, and somewhere, someone was led to believe that Richardson was a superior candidate to Biden because he could magically do something in half the time! And he can't, and Duffy's article details some of the reasons why he can't, and he likely KNOWS he can't, but whatever--gotta get some distance in the polls, right? Can't afford to get picked off the back of the pack, right? That's what honestly answering the people's questions is all about right?

No serious discussion on withdrawal can survive if the Democratic candidates are, in this fashion, going to spend the next year bargaining outside of reality, tossing out numbers in a battle of political oneupsmanship as if withdrawal could be procured on eBay. What Duffy did, soberly, measuredly, was simply state an important truth: everything you've been told about withdrawal is wrong.

ADDENDUM: Ahh, also, I remember. Chris Dodd. In the same debate. Dicked around with dates. Dodd, of course, knew there was a chance he'd have to play a part in some vote at some point in the future, so his frame was: we'll get this done, late '08-early '09. Sure, as of this moment, that's what? Sixteen months? Okay, sounds perfectly feasible. But the clock, as they say, is tick tick ticking away, and Dodd hasn't a clue when the start date for withdrawal is! What if it's ten months? Eight months? And what about, uhm...how? Dodd hasn't a sodding clue, and while he could spend a little time levelling with people, on any of the matters Duffy brings up (agricultural inspections...mitigating vulnerabilities...what military assets do we leave behind to save time), he didn't do that, did he? (Compare to Biden, who at least made a token effort.) But he did find the time to offer a caveat: And if, for whatever reason, this isn't done by inauguration day, no worries! If elected, I'll just snap my wee fingers and get it done! NONE OF THAT IS OFFERING A COGENT STRATEGY FOR WITHDRAWAL. Rather, it is high-toned electoral bet hedging.

In short: Duffy says, "What's needed is not the sloganeering (*cough cough* Dodd *cough* Richardson) of certain politicians but a clear-eyed, multifaceted policy." I say, sure, but the problem is that the "ongoing Presidential campaigning and the Iraq conflict has become less about finding a solution to terrorism and more about generating a set of outcomes that will get people elected to office." And LAND'S SAKES! Not even a week later: SO IT IS WRITTEN THAT THIS DID COME TO PASS! Hallelujah!

But, heck, you were definitely right about one thing! I could do better. So ordered, so done!

P.S.: Hillary Clinton, frontrunner, not a fan of even phased withdrawal.

City Paper Bought by People Who Apparently Think Money Grows On Trees.

Hey, someone bought the City Paper, so now it's poised to become like the sort of crap New Times Media excretes on the sidewalk, but a whole lot lamer. Apparently, some company called Creative Loafing (for some reason) decided to purchase the City Paper and the Chicago Reader, presumably on some poorly thought out drunken dare. According to what we've read, the sage geniuses will opt to make the mistake of retaining the current editorial staff while moving large parts of the City Paper's operation to Atlanta and/or (ugh!) Tampa, Florida.

The news came just days after Washington celebrated this press release celebrating the ascension of Mike DeBonis to the Loose Lips column, which established a new land speed record for outright, disbelief-defying hyperbole:

[DeBonis] is an incredible stickler for facts; he can write like there's no tomorrow; he loves the Web and knows it inside and out; and he loves to report and report and report, which is the essence of this paper. He will preside over an awesome period of political coverage by WCP, perhaps unparalleled in the entire country.
We don't know much about Creative Loafing, but their websites are pretty decent and would be an improved model for the City Paper, even after the CP's decent redesign, which took their website boldly into an age in which it was actually superior to shoving a broomhandle inside a broken CRT. One thing's for sure, it sure makes all that talk from the fools at Late Night Shots a little empty--their bankroll braggadoccio means nothing when you can't outspend a gaggle of alt-culture mavens from Tampa, Florida. Jesus.

Over at the Chicago Reader, who own the CP, the word is that the news of the sale has the staff "discombobulated." There's no indication whether this agita extends to Reader executive editor and noted fussy-britches Michael Lenehan, but, if the deal puts his knickers in a tighter twist than usual, he can always make good on his threat of a year-and-a-half ago, and take his "yearlong journalism strike," which the rest of the nation will note as one more year of not being aware of his existence.

At any rate, we welcome our new conquering alt-weekly overlords. May the cullings be quick, brutal, and bypass the three or so people we think are worth keeping.

Grandfather of Dingbat President Apparently Tried To Overthrow The Government

Surprise, surprise! Apparently dark wonderings about the Bush family are no longer the extra special province of tin-foil hat wearers and the newly-minted poltergeists of the Iraq War dead. Today, we get word that historical research placed Prescott "The Devourer" Bush at or near the center of some crazy plot to turn America into a nation of Mussolini rim-lickers.

A BBC Radio 4 investigation sheds new light on a major subject that has received little historical attention, the conspiracy on behalf of a group of influential powerbrokers, led by Prescott Bush, to overthrow FDR and implement a fascist dictatorship in the U.S. based around the ideology of Mussolini and Hitler.
Oh, excellent. Apparently the idea was for a bunch of Wall Street fuckjobs to band together with "with the help of half-a-million war veterans" in order to overthrow Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his heroic, magical talking dog, Fala. Among the plotters were the moguls behind Maxwell House, Bird's Eye, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, the Gorton's Fisherman, and probably the makers of Ovaltine--the most fascist drink known to man. The plot of course, foundered, because Maxwell House coffee tastes like chicory-infused canal water and because Prescott Bush was a weak-willed pussy.

Flash-forward to today, and his grandson has the golden opportunity to take over a country filled with meth-heads and people obsessed with Lindsay Lohan's seven-hundred DUI arrests, and what does the dumb piece of shit do? He tries to take over Iraq instead! LOL! They have, like, a shit-ton of heavily armed death squads there! LOL! Asshole!

Ironically, I'd bet you could scrounge up half a million war veterans right now that'd be willing to overthrow America. Don't worry, though! At some point, after she sobers up, it'll be Jenna's turn, and finally all the trains will run on time because they'll be powered by the blood of the working poor. Let freedom ring!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Would it be 'hate speech' to suggest the Bill O'Reilly is the greatest gasbag fucktard of them all?

"This is not an ideological issue, hate is hate no matter where it comes from."
That's Bill O'Reilly, bitching about DailyKos or whatever--some site where a bunch of Democrats get together to feel nice about each other and say "Mars, bitches!" over and over again. Here's the funny thing about O'Reilly's statement, though: who's website is currently being investigated by the Secret Service? Ahh, truth hits everybody.

DCeptette: Also, Ass Sashimi Version

  1. Here's your essential guide to naming your fantasy football team. Our team, should we choose to wade into those waters again, will be called We Are Chmura, obvs. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
  2. Sticking with football for a minute, the bond between a QB and his offensive linemen is one of honor--if someone cheap shots your triggerman, the line is supposed to declare fatwa and start cracking knees and whatnot. So it says a lot that rumors are flying that the Atlanta Falcons o-line have made it clear to the opposition that they're prepared to serve up Michael Vick's spinal column on a silver platter. Mind you, it's rumor, and really unlikely, but it's hardly surprising, considering Vick is a semi-literate brutalizing fuckchop who would offend the sensibilities of the average Taliban rapist. [Deadspin]
  3. Opening this August at the New York Fringe Festival, before moving to it's permanent residency in the deepest bowels of Hell. [Williamsburg, The Musical...God help us all]
  4. The latest Republican rapist got caught before he had the opportunity to get hired by the Giuliani campaign. [Wonkette]
  5. Damn! Michelle Rhee is gonna pay her staff an awful lot of money! She better serve up some top-flight edumacatin', because we could probably get Jhoon Rhee at wholesale. [Examiner]

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Highlights From Hill Hotties 2007

Well, once again, it's the end of July, and The Hill is back with their annual 50--a.k.a. 25 Too Many--Most Beautiful People Wasting Their Lives On Capitol Hill. As a tradition, it's firmly entrenched. So much so that Patrick at FishbowlDC's tried to bogart a little buzz for himself by running a Hottie Media Types contest, who by and large and to their eternal credit, end up being way way hotter than their Hill competition. Because my crew runs this shit, our officially endorsed media hottnesses, Catherine Andrews (Female Off-Air) and Kriston Capps (Male Off-Air), are running away with their categories. Keep up the voting, folks, and we can put this to bed real nice and early.

That said, I'd like to direct your attention to the Female Off-Air category. Surely we can all agree that if the supremely awful Nedra Pickler ends up with more votes than Liz and Garance, then there is no way any of us can consider ourselves winners. So, spare some voting effort for them as well. Remember, each vote for Nedra Pickler may as well be a vote for putting the young children in your family in an al Qaeda anal gangbang video.

As for The Hill, well...they never take our advice. We beseeched them to cut this shit down to 25 people--no luck. The pages are, as always, shittily coded and edited--as of this writing, listee Michael Ortiz's picture is accompanied by a bunch of question marks and "Bio coming soon." But what's a striking downgrade this year from previous years is the shitty, shitty choices the editors made as far as what photos to run. A ton of the photos you'll see in the article are long shots that keep us at a distance from whatever aesthetic appeal these folks have. And the colors, so vibrant in past editions, are muted, as if the Great Spirit of Khaki Ennui rose up to smite style and color and vim. Check out the 2006 and 2005 editions, and tell us if you think this year isn't a significant step in the wrong direction.

As for the current crop of Hill Hotties, well...there are some good looking folks here, we can't deny. You go to war with the Hill Hotties you have, you know? At any rate, we couldn't be more pleased to play a part in getting some of these folks' names forever connected to the phrase "al Qaeda anal gangbang video." Good luck with those Google searches, dorks!

And, so, on with the show that is The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill.

Kathleen O'Neill
The Hill weirdly compares O'Neill to Jewel, presumably because she lived out of a van or has a book of shit ass poetry laying around somewhere. She says, her father once advised her, "
No job is too small...Every job is equally important." She just hasn't met all of Hillary's interns, yet.


Rep. Nancy Pelosi
You sort of have to hand it to Nan. At 67, the woman is definitely looking good. I mean, when I hit that age, I'm going to look like 35 more miles of bad road than I do now. Man, she's gonna eat Cindy Sheehan for breakfast.


Rep. Connie Mack
Hey, this shitstain is my parents representative, and, as such, is probably high on their list of the Top Ten Reasons They Are High-Tailing It The Fuck Out of His District Just as Fast as They Can.

Diana Oo
Easily the best last name on the Hill. Diana's the hottest Sri Lankan since M.I.A. dropped "Galang" and gave every music blogger on earth a multiple Arulpragasam. She says that working on the Hill made her realize that she could "combine my love of policy with my love of intellectual property." Sadly, unless the policy and the intellectual property move to Vermont, they'll have to make do with a civil union.

Mustafa Ali
Paging Andre 3000: I think it's safe to say that Ali, who works for Conyers, is down for the cause.

Rebecca Ramey
Here's one of those quintessential The Hill moments. They make a huge deal about how Rebecca Ramey likes the color red. She "doesn't blend in." She loves red shoes and carries a red tote. This allows her to "stand out in a way that is both flashy and conservative." So, what color does The Hill go out of their way to make sure doesn't appear in the photograph? Sigh.

Todd Valentine
Todd Valentine says he spends his social life visiting places off a "well-edited list of hip spots in the Chinatown area." To a normal Washingtonian, a "well-edited list of hip spots in the Chinatown area" is a fancy synonym for "blank sheet of paper." Not to belabor the point, but if you want to print this post out to share with friends, be sure your printed is loaded with a ream of well-edited lists of hip spots in the Chinatown area.


Sarah Barfield
Sarah, who's got the sort of "front porch" that Trent Lott prefers in his receptionists, was active in pageants back home in Illinois, and says she is looking to "stay active" in that world here in DC. "It's a great incentive to stay active [ed. Yes, The Hill borrowed Barfield's quote in the previous sentence...nice editing!] and stay in shape," Barfield told The Hill, adding, "Christ, anything to take me away from this shithole."
Rep. Heath Shuler
Gotta hand it to Heath. He was a much better quarterback than George Allen ever was, and he's a much better Representative than he was a quarterback. Thus, by the transitive theory of equality, Shuler's a much better lawmaker than Allen as well. Though that's not saying much. I could build a person out of a wheelbarrow full of week-old hobo stool that'd be superior to George Allen in just about every conceivable field of endeavor.


Sarah Platts
The Hill says Sarah Platts will be leaving Capitol Hill very soon, so, bang her while you have a chance, people!

Nathan Britton
Britton says he was too turned off by the corruption to get involved in government, but changed his mind after he spent time in Chile. Which begs the question: what the fuck are they doing in Chile that's somehow more gutterfied than our own Congress of bribe-seekers, page-molesters, whore-mongers and war criminals? Are they cannibals? It's also noted that Britton wrote a 25-page thesis on Derrida. Ahh, post-structuralism. As I noted elsewhere, it comes in handy when dealing with the Bush administration.

Brady Van Engelen
Why we have such great pity for the Hillites, reason #2465: Because they will be dressing like it's the fourth day of fraternity rush at Clemson until well into their dotage. Moment of silence, please.

Kathleen Taylor
Uhm...yum? Taylor says: "
I got really lucky, and I’m just trying to suck up [information] as much as I can." Hello, nurse! One question: The Hill notes, "She also has an older sister who...is part of the Indiana diaspora living in Chicago." Uhm...yeah. I don't think hailing from Hammond entitles you to consider yourself part of a "diaspora."

Jeff Eisenhauer
Surreptishus cock fondling??!11! Ur doin it wr0ng.

Orlander Harrison
In previous iterations of the Hill Hotties list, the token police officer was depicted wearing the Towering Hat Of Justice. By contrast, Orlander Harrison prefers to accessorize with the Shining Pocket Beacon of Freedom. When all is dark, the light of Orlander Harrison will guide you home. NEVER FORGET!

Katie Hargis
Hargis: frequently mistaken for statuary.

Jessica Smith
As if I needed another reason to be glad Jim Webb was in office! We envy whoever has to search her for Webb's many illegal firearms.

Iris Ho
Iris told The Hill that she was taking extreme measures in advance of her photo shoot. "
[The camera] is going to put on five pounds, so I did try to limit my intake." Little did she know that they'd be taking her picture with the camera that adds a formless orange trenchcoat in lieu of five pounds.

Rep. Yvette Clarke
I think we can all agree, Yvette Clarke has come a long way for a woman whose wardrobe was assaulted by a Linens-N-Things from the year 1985.


Jaci Reid
It's not everybody on Capitol Hill who can convincingly lean seductively against the wall whilst extending a beckoning arm into soft focus, but fuck, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Derrick Ramos
"
When you ask if he thinks he’s a workaholic, his answer is immediate. 'Definitely, I go home and think about [work]. I wake up and I check my BlackBerry,' adding, 'And, as you can see, I use a high-tension rod specifically calibrated for maximum severity stuffed high up my ass. Seriously, I can't move. An intern has to push me around on a handtruck."

Betsy Barrett
Oh dear: "
Betsy Barrett has been in Washington only for a short time, but thanks to her Arkansas connections, she has found a group of friends with whom she can call hogs." According to The Hill she "has been known to break out the call 'after a few drinks.'" Congratulations, Betsy, at firmly cementing your reputation on Late Night Shots.

Bandele McQueen
Bandele McQueen likes to drape his suitcoat for "maximum trapezoidery."


Charlie Hurt
For Charlie Hurt, the journey began with the decision to get the "Josh Lyman" haircut. And thus was a pretentious douchebag born.

Guy Lipa
Guy Lipa's claim to fame is mastering the facial expression known as "the VandeHei." FUN FACT: Mastering "the VandeHei" remains the one thing Jim VandeHei has mastered, though we hear he's hard at work on those shoelaces again.

And, as always, let's pause to remember the most legendary Hill Hottie of all: Carling Dinkler.


DCeptette: Hang Me Out To Dry Version

  1. Man, the Association is in some serious shit over this Tim Donaghy situation. Credit the mindgrapes of local fave Unsilent Majority, who called this one correctly. I'm interested to hear more about how Donaghy might have affected the Wizards season last year, though, I have to admit, only up to a point. After all, Donaghy didn't jack up Zero or Caron, and he didn't have anything to do with Michael Ruffin's crazy-ass three-feet-high-and-not-rising toss into the air that allowed Morris Peterson (of all people), in collaboration with the Gravitational Constant, to beat us in the most dispiriting game of the season last year. Note: I am not saying we should investigate Ruffin, unless we've got nothing better to do. (FUN FACT: As far as I know, the only hip-hop act to ever name-check Morris Peterson was Canadian "Steal My Sunshine" one-hit wonders Len. Make of that what you will.) [Deadspin]
  2. OK: This is pretty fucked up. Celebrity cumdumpster Kim Kardashian goes to a benefit. The benefit is for Nicole Brown. Who was killed by OJ Simpson. Who was represented by...Kim Kardashian's father. There's NO WORD for that kind of fucked up. [BestWeekEver]
  3. Holy Jeebus Crosshanger! Look at what these two-dollar flip flops from WalMart did to this person's feet! Is there no one we can punish for this? I mean, if terrorists want to kill us, what side is WalMart on? [BoingBoing]
  4. When gangsta and dork collide, this is the sort of UTTERLY INSANE SHIT that happens. [Gizmodo]
  5. I can't get behind the movement to have Roger Taney's bust removed from public view. Years ago, I argued that the image of Robert E. Lee on Richmond's River Walk should remain in place and I feel the same way about Taney. Yes, history proved these individuals to be flawed, makers of decisions we can look back with hindsight and recognize as poor. But neither man existed in a vaccuum. Their ideas were mainstream, reflected in the philosophies of many Americans. These are the sorts of things we as a nation have struggled with, and we should remember these personages along with our unequivocal heroes. It doesn't mean we have to agree on their stance to venerate them. It's just as important to keep your flaws and mistakes in front of you as well as your progress. If we don't our hindsight will mean nothing. [DCist]

Once A Dallas Cowboy, Always an Arizona Cardinal

I hate to be the one to cast aspersions (actually, that's a total lie) but I have reason to believe that Emmitt Smith may, in fact, be a stupendous dumbass of the highest order. In the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Smith seemed to think that the authorities were just singling Michael Vick out so they could roll up some bigger criminals: "He's the biggest fish in the whole doggone pond right now so they're putting the squeeze on him to get to everyone else."

Of course, that makes zero fucking sense, because if Vick is the "biggest fish," then who is he going to rat out? Why get to everyone else? Wasn't Michael Vick running the Michael Vick Illegal Dogfighting Ring, and hosting it at Michael Vick's House, aka "Home of the Michael Vick Dogfighting Ring?" Who else needs to be arrested here? Satan? The Evil Force that Lurks in the Hearts of Illiterate Dipshits?

I guess everytime Michael Irvin attempted to explain away being caught with a mountain of blow in each nostril and every one of his limbs in the gaping coochie of some overworked Texas whore by saying, "It's all a conspiracy! They're out to get me!" Emmitt was one of the poor dumb fucks who believed him. Oh well, he sure can run with the ball all pretty, so let's definitely get his thoughts on jurisprudence!

In related news, Michael Vick is one sick-ass fucking individual. Betcha the Falcons wish they hadn't dealt Schaub now! Who is Atlanta's projected starter now, anyway? Joey Harrington? Jesus wept.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: And This Fuckstain is a Frontrunner?

If we've said it once, we've said it a million times: if it were not for the fact that the asshole was captured on camera bumbling around in a daze near the World Trade Center on 9-11, Rudy Giuliani would be remembered as he should be remembered: as a glorious, alienating, absolute embarrassment to all people. Instead, somehow, a sizable portion of America mistook his dumbassity of leadership, and somehow, we've ended up with him as a Presidential contender. He's New York's version of George Allen, except Virginia wised up.

The guy has no family members who are willing to stand in the same room as him, and he's got no real friends. But somehow, I thought that the mobbed-up sycophant functionaries that pretend to like Rudy would be the biggest strike against him--but it turns out that Rudy calls any number of America's top scumwads his friends. Drug addicts, hooker fuckers...now you can cross off pedophile from the list. Even better, a Father Bad Touch priest who was part of a kidfuck sex ring. Awesome.

When its revealed that Rudy has the DC serial arsonist and the Zodiac killer on his staff, don't forget to yell Yahtzee.

The Audacity of Dopes: Liveblogging the YouTube Debate

Thank you, for shaming the candidates, Chris from Portland! Chris from Portland for president! But Hillary dresses up in costume all the time!

No, five year olds don’t care about Social Security. They care about placing Harriet Miers in the stocks.

I think the candidates should have to to answer about the cyborgs!

Joe Biden is a dirty cheat.

Zach Kempf from Provo: What makes you all such suckpumps?
Dodd: Panders to the Citadel. Platitudes. Legislation you never heard of.
Obama: Something about nails. We are not going to fix healthcare! Overcoming special interests is important. But we won’t do that either.

Davis Fleetwood: You are really going to waste your question on Dennis Kucinich?
Dennis: I will deploy daisies and treaties fight the terrorists. You guys at the Citadel will not have to do anything.
Clinton: Thirty-five years of being an instrument of change? What were you before that? An oboe?
Obama: The Democrats suck! 1115 is right!

Rob Porter: To Clinton, how would you use the word liberal?
Clinton: Liberals, used to be for freedom, now it means commie cockstain. I like the word “progressive” because there is no fucking fly-by-night fad I won’t jump on board.
Gravel: I HATE WORDS! WE WILL DESTROY THEM. OBAMA LIES, PEOPLE DIE. ALSO: MY MICROPHONE!
Obama: You know about my stinky money because I want you to!

Saheed Badmus: For Dodd. If you had to speed-date a Republican, who would it be? Lieberman!
Biden: Chuck Hagel, Dick Lugar. Now I’ll answer the imaginary question I hear in my head. Bosnia! End the money!
Edwards: Sure, Hagel. Now I’ll not even attempt to answer the question. But I will take away power. I am like a rolling blackout.

Chris Dodd’s dumbass video: I’ve got white hair! My haircuts cost a nickel. So suck it Edwards.
Will from Boston: Fucking ask the question! Oh, God. Reparations.
Edwards: No. Come on. I’m from North Carolina. But we’ll do something about mortgages.
Obama: No. But I’ve packed the hall with supporters. Watch. I’ll say the word “schools.” You hear that! Also: CORRIDORS OF SHAME!
Kucinich: I WILL GIVE YOUR MONEY TO SLAVES! Good luck with a bankrupt nation, though!

Morgan G.: Pile on FEMA everybody!
Dodd: A “dark” moment? I guess so. He’s pissed though. I WILL MAKE WHITE PEOPLE MOVE INTO HURRICANE ZONES. I WILL BRING BEARS!
Richardson: Anderson! You woke me up from my nap! INSURANCE COMPANIES MAKE HURRICANES! I will care! I will fondle you!

Jordan Williams: Obama/Clinton—How will you make the press less lazy and asinine.
Obama: OH PLEASE. You have no trouble catching a cab in Manhattan! The median income there is $200,000! Surnames should not impede dreams.
Clinton: I tried and tried, but I cannot stop being a woman. Hillary, me to you, you’ve basically proven to be very not good for me and my family.
Edwards: DON’T VOTE FOR ME. Now I’ll try to explain what my meddling wife was going on and on about. I LOVE POOR WOMEN!
Clinton: I love Elizabeth Edwards. Why isn’t she running? She will save us from the Cylons! NOW I AM YELLING!

Mary and Jen: We’re big old lesbians! Wanna fight about it?
Kucinich: Yes! Duh! The Citadel: LOVES THE GAYS.
Dodd: No marriage. Civil unions.
Richardson: Sorry. I dare not dream of things that are not achievable. VOTE RICHARDSON: Par for the course.

Rev. Reggie Longcrier: I love gays! Why don’t you Edwards.
Edwards: I don’t believe we should impose my beliefs on people. That said, I will impose them. I’m on a Journey. Don’t stop believing. My wife supports gay marriage, though. LET’S VOTE FOR HER.
Longcrier: I won’t even answer your question about my own question.
Edwards: If elected, I will find some other rationale to stopping the gays.
Obama: I will now pass air over my vocal chords for about sixty seconds.

Clinton’s video: A Michael Moore/Demetri Martin mashup! So viral!

Edwards' video: OMG! You are not talking about hair!

People in Darfur: THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! IN DARFUR.
Richardson: I was at that camp! A women had been raped. I will use diplomacy to stop the rapes. And a no-fly-zone. Ground the airplanes, and use words to reason with the rapists. AIDS! Latin America! We will arm the Muslims to save Darfur!
Biden: I’m sick of Darfur! Blah blah blah! You will all die there! I’ve been to that camp, too! Some kid said: “Thank you, oh conquering overlord Biden!”
Gravel: Why won’t you let me answer questions?
Clinton: Sanctions! Divestment! No airplanes! Let the Europeans do it!

Barry Mitchell: How do we pull out now? How do we? Huh?
Obama: I saw into the future and saw how everything was going to go wrong! I should've warned you at the convention keynote address, but I waited until this moment because I didn't think it would be my problem.
Biden: We won't be pulling out now. It will take a year (he's right!). We will make a tripartite state! So suck it Turkey! Enjoy your Kurdish neighbor.

Mother of Soldier: WHY. THE. FUCK. WON'T. YOU. STOP. THIS. SHIT?
Clinton: Let me pander to them, for a minute. Here's some platitudes. Enjoy them. You'll be getting a lot more.
Kucinich: You didn't ask for a Democratic version of the war. Huh. That's a good answer.
Dodd: It's Bush's fault! How aren't you people getting this? I WILL SAVE DARFUR! DODD ANGRY!
Richardson: I will bring them home in six months, despite the fact that it is physically impossible! I will use the Deathly Hallows!

John: Mike Gravel--Defend your craziness.
Gravel: They died for ice cream! I AM SO INTENSE!
Obama: I will now recite Jack Murtha's talking points.
Edwards: No troops die in vain! All dogs go to heaven. This question is: some other question that John did not ask. WTF about Bush changing course? If YOU ARE PRESIDENT, course is changed!

Tony Fuller: Should women should register for the draft?
Dodd: Yes. You women need to start carrying your load around here!
Clinton: Yes. They shall go into battle, armed with my finest platitudes!
Obama: Tuskeegee! Tuskeegee! I WILL MAKE MY DAUGHTERS DIE FOR YOU!
Edwards: I know a chick fighter pilot! Also, my wife should be President.
Gravel: I ENDED THE DRAFT. GOOD LUCK INVADING IRAN, ASSHOLES!

John McAlperin: To Clinton: The muslims, they hate the women. So whatcha gonna do about that?
Clinton: Let me pander. Just a little one. OK, now, I've met with sheikhs. And Kings. And they take me seriously. I WAS AN INSTRUMENT! Only a woman can tame the wild A-Rab!

Stephen Sorta: Would you be willing to meet separately with the Axis of Evil.
Obama: My middle name is Hussein! I love talking to douchebags! Look who I go to work with every day!
Clinton: I will not meet with these jerks. I will not be used for propaganda purposes. I will throw many Presidential envoys in the water!
Edwards: I will meet with them, but first we'll do the work and the diplomacy. But there's an even better question that was not asked that I will now answer, and it is totally esoteric. VOTE FOR MY WIFE!

Gary Berry: Look at my flag collection. I want my sons to never die. MAKE THEM IMMORTAL.
Dodd: I will have them out by April 2008.
Richardson: Hey, let's chill. Let's provoke a debate. "I have no troops left." What?
Biden: It can't be done in six months asshole! I've been shot at! I will now make up a story about that man's son! He died from an IED. He baked delicious pies.
Clinton: Why is she talking to the paused screen? Why is she bitching about the President? Won't she be REPLACING the President?
Kucinich: Text message me!

Mike Gravel video: Longer than his combined statements! I'm surprised Anderson didn't interrupt that!

Bill Richardson video: My, that sucked.

Sheena Currell: Who was your favorite teacher?
Gravel: Fuck you, CNN.
Obama: Not anybody at any madrassa, that's for sure!
Biden: This priest taught me the platitudes I speak today.
Edwards: Blah, blah. Millworker. She specialized in uplifting the children of millworkers.

Alan Jourgenson, Ministry: Let's ROCK FOR EDUCATION! Would you scrap No Child Left Behind?
Richardson: Fuck yes. $40,000/year? Wouldn't that be a pay cut in Arlington? Children will dance!
Biden: Blame Kennedy! And the ghost of Paul Wellstone! It's like Nellie McKay says!

Mike Green, SC: Would you send yr kids to public school or private school.
Clinton: WTF? Chelsea went to Sidwell Friends!!!
Edwards: All my kids go to public school.
Clinton: I'm proud the Chelsea went to the shitty, shitty-ass public schools in Little Rock.
Biden: My kids went to private school because my wife and daughter were killed.
Kucinich: Public schools.
Gravel: Public and private. ABOMINATIONS!
Dodd: Public. Let me answer the question from before. I can do what Mike Gravel is not allowed to do.

Anne Laird, Planned Parenthood: Sex education.
Edwards: Elizabeth likes to joke around. VOTE FOR HER. Seriously, she's great. We taught them how to have sex.
Obama: Mitt Romney wants to let kindergarten get freaky too! So fuck that weirdo, dog-torturing freakjob.

Jackie and Dunlap: We're the local company of Greater Tuna. Edwards laughs at the country bumfucks. Clinton does too.

Greg Hamel: Will you protect the snowmen?
Kucinich: Refused to answer questions about snowmen.

Stephanie Mackley: I am awesome. My bathroom is well-lit. How will you influence Americans to conserve.
Gravel: I will tax you freaks into the darkness.
Dodd: I will tax the polluters.
Cooper: How many of you took a private jet.
Everyone raises their hands except Kooch and Gravel. Richardson can't remember. Then he tries to legalese his way out of it.
Gravel: RRAAHHH. TRAINS.

Shawn Jackson: What about nuclear power?
Edwards: No. Let's burn vegetables. And let's not liquefy coal. Nuclear power is too costly.
Obama: We should think about nuclear power. But blame Dick Cheney.
Clintons: I will propose a fund and pretend that the money for that fund doesn't come from taxpayers. Poof! I'm magical! And agnostic. Someone who knows the technologies will figure this shit out.

Melissa, CA.: Why won't you fucks fix the elections?
Richardson: I WILL PUSH THE COUNTRY! Touchstones? The problem is fool's gold? Young voters LOVE optical scanners. Hanging chads is teh SUXXORS!

Biden video: I'm sending my love down a hole.

SIDE NOTE: These YouTube videos are boring as shit.

Kucinich: Text me, and we'll end the war, and install Kelly Clarkson as the Secretary of Defense. SOUL PATROL!

Cecilia and Ashanti: Why won't you give us the minimum wage. Would you do your job for the minimum wage?
Gravel: I'd do this fucking job for free.
Dodd: No.
Everyone: Sure!
Obama: Fuck, yeah. We're rich! So is Romney!
Biden: So is Obama.
Kucinich: I'm a shrewd real estate investor.

Nancy McDonald: Why do so many people get to get out of paying Social Security?
Dodd: Let's start to address the issue so we solve it two decades after it's too late.
Obama: Let's put it on a firm footing! Whatever the fuck that means!

Fuland Del Tal: YOU ASSHOLES NEED TO FIX SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE. So: Raise taxes or cut benefits?
Richardson: Neither. We will fix it by curing disease and not raiding the trust fund and fund a goddamn 401K for everyone? WTF? Are you crazy!
EVERYONE ELSE: Thank God I didn't have to answer that question!

Remy, McLean VA: I hate paying taxes!
Biden: We'll tax the people who have money.

Guy who sounds like Randy Newman: Will you fucks raise my taxes?
Kucinich: Not in my weird fantasyland where I deconstruct our economic system.

Bunch of people: Please! Will one of you heal my diseases? We're dying out here on the YouTubes. Thanks, CNN, for cutting away from the video we have to READ.
Obama: All these fucks love the lobbyists too much! We will have a NEW SEATING ARRANGEMENT. And maybe a buffet dinner...something that will encourage people to mingle or something.
Edwards: There are millions of people suffering from these diseases. Like Elizabeth. Who'd be the best President ever. James Low? I didn't know my brother-in-law was a 50 year old dude with a cleft palate??
Clinton: Let me first pander to the sickies. Just in case some of you are alive when the election happens. I have the scars to show for my efforts in fighting for healthcare. But I can afford elective procedures to heal them.

Lucia Brawley: Will you help heal the Mexicans?
Dodd: What an important question! What an important issue! But I'd rather talk about stemcells! And junk food! But, okay, I'll cover them because I don't want their gross leprosy.
Richardson: I will cover even the ditchdiggers! The ditchdiggers!

Chris Nolan: I'm so sick of people named Bush and Clinton.
Clinton: I totally don't like the Bushes. Cut to Howard Dean. I'm proud of my husband. You should vote for him. And Elizabeth Edwards. In fact, those two should really hook up or something.
Gravel: FUCK THE DLC! YES! I LOVE MIKE GRAVEL SOMETIMES! FUCK THE DLC! DON'T GO QUIETLY! FUCK THE HEDGE FUNDS!
Obama: Ahhh...cynicism. Is that what you want? Who has a track record to bring about change? Pretend it's me, America. Pretend it's me.

Zennie Abraham, Oakland, CA.: WTF is up with this quarter?
Biden: I've got it in perspective!

Stephen Marsh: I don't believe in God. Also, my vocal track is off! Oh, no! God smote my YouTube video.
Edwards: I will help the atheists, as long as they help me fight the gay marriage.
Obama: I am proud of my Christian faith. Haven't you heard? NO MADRASSAS.

Jered Townsend: I LOVES ME MY ILLEGAL GUN.
Richardson: We will attack poverty, with guns. Maybe even grenades. It'll be a quagmire.
Dodd: That guy needs therapy.

Obama video: We can do all this stuff! It'll be great! And if you have any idea how, let me know!

Jason Koop: One thing you like and one thing you don't like about the guy to your left. YES. THIS IS ROMPER ROOM BULLSHIT, YOUTUBE.
Gravel: I like Dodd's Dad, but he's a dirty fuck.
Dodd: VOTE FOR ELIZABETH EDWARDS!
Edwards: I love yr husband. But lose that effing pink coat!
Clinton: Grrrr. I "like" Barack. We're ready to lead!
Obama: Turns right when asked to go left! 1115.org is right!
Richardson: I will touch all these people inappropriately!
Biden: Dennis' wife is FUCKIN' HOT.
Kooch: Mike Gravel, you were fantastic...like, thirty years ago.

Anyway...here's a reminder about how effing hot Dennis Kucinich's wife is! Vote Elizabeth Edwards/Bill Clinton in 2008. Here's to another year and a half of Hillary pandering to everybody in Christendom! Tune in next time, when the GOP battles the YouTube for torture-porn supremacy!

Music Blogosphere: Sucking Now More Than Ever.

Fresh off one of my 30-second pow-wows with Leaf, comes this thought: Gah. Could the music blogosphere get any duller? With the possible exception of the recent Radiohead shit, when's the last time an item on Stereogum looked even remotely enticing? My God, has that site fallen off. And now that I have the actual publicists of the world sending me emails, why do I need a BrooklynVegan? So that I can have an exhaustive number of photoessays chronicling every loser who gets booked at the Hiro Ballroom? Feh.

And boy oh boy. Whenever my Google feed tells me that I have twenty posts on Idolator to read, I pray to my Dark Lord that pressing the "Mark All As Read" button remains more cost-effective and efficient than simply shooting myself in the fucking face. Although lately, their humorless git act at least reflects the general state of affairs.

Friday, July 20, 2007

DCeptette: No Sex in the Scandal Room

  1. Can we just get some condoms out to the kids, CVS? After all, GWU students aren't going to go fuck themselves. Er, wait. Let me rephrase. [CityDesk]
  2. Sorry Shepilov, but Tussaud's doesn't have a Champagne Room. [DCist]
  3. Is ANC Commissioner Frank Winstead a douchebag busybody? Doesn't he have anything more worthwhile to spend his time on? Could he just kindly piss off and leave people alone? See, Frank! Your video raises more questions than it answers! [Grammar.police]
  4. "Hell, yes! I’m the most electrocuting player in the NFL!" Freals, y'all. KSK needs to get Tracy Morgan attached to the Michael Vick story TODAY. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
  5. OH, SNAP. “The scarey thing is that this is apparently a real band. I hope they realize that they’ll now always be known as ‘the band with that annoying song in that horrible cable commercial’ forever.” Told. You. So. [NYO]

We Know What You're Looking For.

Yes, it's July. We can tell that it's almost time for The Hill's "50 Most Beautiful People" issue because so many of you are arriving here while searching for it. Not to worry, we will feature our usual outstanding coverage. In the meantime, to tide you over, watch this video from The Hill, and tell us, what makes you laugh first--becoming aware that this contest has become something that everyone is pathetically desperate to be in, or Wendy Rieger saying these words: "Thanks to The Hill newspaper, the image of Capitol Hill as a dull coterie of policy wonks has been shattered." We're quite sure she meant to say, "reinforced."

Speaking of search terms, we've learned from other visitors to this site that The DCeiver has become the internet's top source for Estonian bukkake. We can cross that life goal off our list, now. Thanks for making us number one, interwebs!

Sex Ed: Ur Doin it Wrong

Ha ha. Suck it, abstinence education fans! You face an "uncertain future." Know what projects to have decades of success ahead of it?

Fucking like rabid bunnies, that's what!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Vote For the Biggest Ass Factory of Higher Education

Gawker's got a poll coming tomorrow that we are totally behind: "Help Us Pick America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts College." They've made some great nominations, and are inviting write-ins (well, from jerks like me with comment permission, anyway) as well.

Sadly, we just cannot get behind the looming hate for Oberlin College, as the bulk of the people we know from there are decidedly non-idiotic. We might have been inclined to throw our support behind Middlebury--we've heard that in recent years, graduates are asked to sign a "green pledge" promising to turn off lights and ride bicycles and not kill microbes, which sounds more twee than Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant played on 78--but, in the end, we cannot risk having the Middlebury Mafia excommunicate us from the DC theatre community.

Thus, we urge you all to vote for Vassar, if only because experience has taught us that virtually everyone there is majoring in Channelling Your Sexual Anxiety Into Becoming a Pretentious Jackass (with a minor in Douche Nuzzling). So, vote tomorrow! Freedom isn't free!

It's Gonna Be A Dogfight.

Well, that figures!


Wherever people are ruining the world for the rest of us, Judy Miller is there, having their backs.

Actually, Miller--the one bright shining silver lining in the Scooter Libby affair because she actually had to spend time in prison--said that she didn't think spoiling the ending was "the right thing to do", but that she "would defend to the death [the leaker's] right to do it." We'd love to arrange that, Judy!

Don't worry, Miller fans, after briefly dispensing her opinions on the forthcoming book, Miller still had time to tell the folks at Fox And Friends the sort of bullshit hogwash about terrorism and Iraq that have gotten untold thousands of people killed.

Picks From the Fringe

Friend of DCeiver Jeff Jetton asked me in an email what shows I thought were worth seeing at this year's Capital Fringe Festival. I've not gotten in too deep in the Fringe yet, but right off the bat, I have some sure fire recommendations.

1. First question you have to ask yourself: "What's Rorschach doing?" Birds by Jen Maisel.

2. Next question you should ask yourself: "What's Shirley Serotsky directing?" Answer: Cautionary Tales for Adults and the Many Adventures of Trixie Tickles. This play features Casie Platt, who I got to work with in 365 Days/365 Plays earlier this year, and she is a fucking delight. I'm contemplating getting tickets to the midnight show on 7/28, because it's my birthday, and why not treat myself.

3. Solas Nua is doing The Drunkard, and the fact that Nelson Pressley hated it for going overboard with the melodramatic style it was written in can only mean that Solas is performing this play PRECISELY RIGHT. No surprise, it's directed by Jess Burgess, who is ace. As I've recently said elsewhere, melodrama is the single most successful genre of literature in the history of the world, and The Drunkard's 19th century roots places it squarely in the most successful period the American theater ever had. Expect big, ridiculous gestures and characterizations, and relish them, because the plays have gotten so small there isn't always a lot of room for anything that aspires to be larger than life.

4. Aerialists. Oh, shit, yes. You just do not see this kind of thing every day, so take a chance on something new and see Air Heart.

5. Something I've already booked my tickets for is Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind, from Chicago's brilliant Neo-Futurists. It's a show I've always wanted to see, and it's just awesome that I don't have to go to Illinois to do so. Too Much Light is also known as "30 Plays in 60 Minutes," which is literally what the Neos will be attempting. And the audience determines what plays get performed. Highly recommended.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

One Week In the City

So, okay, in the past week, I've somehow managed to meet almost the entire internet. Beginning with the best Unbuckled ever a week ago (DCist popped into DC9, promptly sold out), culminating with sharing an elevator with Obama Girl last night. It's all been quite overwhelming.

Bullet points:

  • Unbuckled. Insane. The XYZ Affair: talented, lovely. Seriously, why hasn't Sarah Lewitinn signed these guys yet? They're enough to make Permanent Me a very Temporary Me. And yes, Sophie B. Hawkins covers, these should be required of all rock bands. As for Le Loup--finally a "wolf" band I can get behind! They more than lived up to the hype. And they are, without a doubt, the most Canadian of all the DC bands. Like Dan Bejar fronting Broken Social Scene. Seriously, if anyone on the Arts and Crafts label find themselves unable to perform their duties, Le Loup is ready.
  • Middle Distance Runner: really, these guys are so ineffably cool that they practically beg to get animated and unmask ghosts with the Scooby Gang. Or guest on Futurama.
  • I've been trying to come up with a metaphor that accurately captures the way the Pygmalii can show up anywhere and make whatever is going on even better, and, for whatever reason, the only thing I can come up with is the old SNL fake commercial for Schnitts Gay Beer. But not because they necessarily inspire homoeroticism--although, if need be, they could--it's just like they are a can that you open and suddenly the backyard is renovated and the pool is fixed. I think anyway. Maybe I just think they should change their blogger tagline to "You look like you need to get wet." Make of this what you will.
  • To wit: The G. teaches me that deadly poisons are innately hilarious. I cannot argue with this. The Nabob is well arming me with arguments in favor of deep frying the Thanksgiving turkey--so, watch out, New Jersey.
  • Fort Reno: The Charm Offensive rocks. AMC invents the Fort Renotini. And Kriston Capps and I struggle to determine who, exactly, is the quintessential keytar player. I think Le Loup should rehearse an all-keytar set, by the way. In case we want to get wet.
  • I finally finally actually got to stand in the same room as my editor/collaborator in crime Rachel Sklar, and yes, it was as wonderful as any of the imagery that floats through Drew Barrymore's mind.
  • R. Sklar took the 3:15am train back to NYC. I had no idea there was a 3:15am train to NYC. I'm assuming that this train also stops at Hogwarts.
  • Amy Argetsinger: totally ready to see Superbad. Like there was ever any doubt.
  • Tips for party conversation in 2007: everyone, apparently, is up for a little Giuliani-bashing. And comparing Rudy to Lenny from Of Mice and Men kills.
  • Wife of DCeiver and I enjoyed a lengthy and candid conversation with a newly retired CNN news producer--totally illuminating. It's a demanding job, folks. We talked a great deal about Hurricane Katrina (CNN was the only network to get the failure of the Pontchartain levee correct and on time). WoD asked his opinion on who failed in New Orleans, and his take was that it was first and foremost a massive failure of LOCAL government, compounded by Federal ineptitude.
  • I asked who he felt really distinguished themselves in the disaster response, and he gave me the precise answer I expected him to give when I asked the question in the first place: The United States Coast Guard.
  • Also: here at DCeiver, we frequently remark upon the utter worthlessness of the people who work on the Hill, but we allow for something we call The Feingold Exception. Jack Murtha's CD has become the latest person to qualify for the Feingold Exception.
  • All ur blogger acquaintances are belong to DCeiver: Very happy to make the acquaintance of Mo Tkacik of Jezebel, which is So Hot Right Now (TM). Also, ecstatic to meet the lovely and intellectually formidable Garance Franke-Ruta. I really need to blogroll them both.
  • Another reason why I do not doubt Alex Pareene's wisdom: when you find yourself squiring somebody who writes for a blog called "Jezebel" around Washington, DC, you OF COURSE immediately take her to The Raven. Obvs.

Anyway, crazy wonderful week. Next up: A Month of Houseguests!

The Shocking News Revealed By Your iPod

Mr. Thrown For a Loop recently took a long look at the songs his iPod says he likes, and that got me thinking about what potential truths or weirdnesses my own iPod reveals about me. So, today, I plugged it in to take a look at my ten most-played tracks are. The results? No surprise: I have terrible taste in music!

1. "You Only Live Twice," the Strokes
This isn't surprising to me. Probably the quintessential song by my favorite band. It's on their most recent record, but there's something about this song that incorporates just about everything I love about the Strokes, and nothing I dislike (cf. "Juicebox").

2. "Apply Some Pressure," by Maximo Park
Yeah, I never get tired of this tune either, or this excellent, woefully undersung band. I wish they'd come to DC, though.

3. "Bleeding Hearts," by The Daybreak Line
Wow. Congratulations, Paul! I guess I really, really, really love this song. Last Second Thoughts is the most recent blog to post the MP3. Later today, I'll get around to posting their latest music.

4. "Landed," by Ben Folds
At first, I thought it was really strange that this was the Ben Folds tune that made it into my iPod top ten, but on further review, it makes sense. So much of the music I love that Ben makes touches strange nerves with me, making it impossible for me to listen to that frequently. The last time I listened to Reinhold Messner straight through, I got shatteringly depressed. make of that what you will.

5. "Elevator Love Letter," by Stars
This is the song that should have made Stars, the greatest band in the history of Canada, famous. I've no idea why it didn't, and neither does Torq, for that matter. But it's an absolutely cherry pop tune. (Though as Matt Yglesias pointed out recently, it has an awful music video.)

6. "Banquets," by Bloc Party
Wow. I'm surprised I'm not a little tired of this tune.

7. "Heartbeats," by Jose Gonzalez
I don't know what to make of this. Maybe this is the song my iPod likes to play when it's not doing anything. Based upon field research, I've discovered that, left to its own devices, my iPod would play nothing but New Pornographers and Snow Patrol. Make of that what you will.

8. "Flight 180," by Bishop Allen
Ahhh. Fantastic, beautiful tune, brimming with hope and beauty. Love this song. I especially love the fact that Bishop Allen reclaimed the metaphor of a airplane above Manhattan from the perpetrators of Recent Tragic Events.

9. "You Have Killed Me," by Morrissey
Apparently, I have changed very little since 1986.

10. "Catastrophe," by Rainer Maria
Again, fucking great song. I even forgive the fact that they reuse the first verse superfluously. I have big plans for this song actually...nothing that will be realized anytime soon, but just you wait.

Bubbling under:
"The Monitor," by Bishop Allen
"Your Little Hoodrat Friend," by the Hold Steady
"Cunts Are Still Running the World," by Jarvis Cocker
"Delilah," by the Dresden Dolls
"Teaspoon," by the Long Winters
"On The Radio," by Regina Spektor
"Use It," by the New Pornographers
"Naturally," by Middle Distance Runner
"Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire
"The Bleeding Heart Show (theme for the University of Phoenix)" by the New Pornographers

And the song from 2007 I've listened to the most? "Down In The Valley," by the Broken West! I had NO IDEA!

Mais, ceci n'est pas une abortion movie!

Ann Hornaday, writing in the Washington Post this past Sunday, revisits the very strange argument made in the days immediately following the releases of Knocked Up (which I have seen), and Waitress (which I have not--I plan to, but I'm still a little too bummed out at Adrienne Shelley's death)--namely, that neither movie adequately presents abortion as a possible or plausible or potential outcome of getting, well...knocked up. I found this argument inane then and I find it even moreso now.

Part of the problem comes right out in Hornaday's headline (which was probably crafted by an editor, not Hornaday, but that's beside the point): "Pregnant With Meaning? Alas We Were Expecting More." Who's the "we," Ann? You and the mouse in your pocket? Speaking only for myself, going in to see Knocked Up, it did not even occur to me for a minute that I'd be seeing a movie in which the characters wrestled with abortion. I pretty much expected a movie in which the characters wrestled with pregnancy. And that's largely what I got, so...where's the problem, exactly?

Hornaday sez:

"But at their hearts, both deal -- or, rather, choose not to deal -- with a subject that dare not speak its name: abortion. Both films are predicated on unplanned pregnancies and both confect, through all manner of narrative conceits and messy logic, reasons for their female protagonists to carry their unwanted babies to term (and, in the case of "Knocked Up," wind up with so the wrong guy)."

I think Hornaday is having about as much luck finding the "heart" of the movie as President Bush has in his echocardiograms of Vladimir Putin. Why on earth is Judd Apatow naturally obligated to address the issue of abortion? He wrote a movie about two people who decide to have a baby. That's the story. If you have Kat Heigl and Seth Rogen's characters decide to abort the pregnancy, then the movie ends up being about twenty minutes long and not very funny. I'm not saying that you can't make a good movie about two people who decide to have an abortion, but that's another movie entirely.

Abortion, in fact, is briefly addressed in Knocked Up, and it's decided that it will not be an outcome of the character's choices, and the film moves on from there. What further ado is remotely necessary? Yes: in a comprehensive overview of the entirety of human gestation, abortion is a topic. But Knocked Up is not a comprehensive overview of a subject. It is a story, and, as such, requires a certain economy. Think about it: the infield fly rule is a subtopic in the game of baseball--is Bull Durham a failed movie because it fails to adequately address it?

The problem with many critics, is that they frequently go looking to find their particular hangups in everything. On this regard, Hornaday quotes Jennifer Merin, film critic, and the extent to which she misses the point is downright laughable:

"I think it's shocking that the subject of abortion as a choice has been so eliminated from the discussion," says New York Press film writer Jennifer Merin, who is also president of the Alliance of Women Film Journalists. "It's not even on the table." The omission, she adds, "undermines anyone's claim that Hollywood has a liberal agenda."
Oh, my! That's complete codswallop! Knocked Up hardly betrays the pro-choice cause, and one will find themselves on really tenuous ground if promoting abortion rights requires the artist to treat every depicted pregnancy with an abundance of skepticism. But, really: why must Apatow bend over backwards to "include" ANYTHING not germane to the story he's telling "in the discussion?" Why must all manner of sidebars be placed "on the table?" To make Jennifer Merin feel better?

This all reminds me of a discussion section I sat through in my Shakespeare survey class. We were reading Measure for Measure, and our TA kept promoting the discussion we'd be having on the play as a "chance to address this 'problem play' of Shakespeare's." Naturally, I was looking forward to finding out just what the goddamned problem was. I assumed that maybe we'd have a discussion of genre: the development of tragicomedy (Measure For Measure is not a "pure" comedy) in English playwriting. As it turns out, my TA's problem had nothing at all to do with genre: it had to do with the ending of the play. Her contention (some background, delivered hamhandedly: in the play, a Duke takes leave of his office and disguises himself in order to make a broad point about morality. In pursuit of his lesson, the Duke manipulates many of the other characters, including an innocent nun named Isabel) was that it was incredibly "problematic" for Shakespeare to have ended the play with the Duke and Isabel getting married, after he had put her through a harrowing emotional wringer (he nearly gets her deflowered and makes her believe until the last minute that her brother had been executed).

Well, after hearing that this was the problem, I had this conversation with the TA:

DCeiver: I'm sorry. I'm confused. You're saying the problem with this play is that Isabel marries the Duke?

TA: That's right.

DCeiver: OK. Where exactly does that happen?

TA: Well, the play ends before they get married.

DCeiver: Well, a better way to put it is that they do not, in fact get married, in the play.

TA: Yes. Not literally. But the marriage is something that's going to happen.

DCeiver: Sorry. I disagree. There's not a shred of textual evidence that you're right.

[The TA then reads the two passages in which the Duke proposes marriage.]

DCeiver: Yeah. I'm not completely stupid. Obviously he proposes. Your problem is that there's no assent on the part of Isabel. She doesn't have a line after the Duke makes his initial proposal. There's not even a stage direction that indicates Isabel assents to his proposal in any way.

TA: Well, so what. The problem is that Shakespeare even considers the possibility of them getting married.

DCeiver: I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Shakespeare doesn't consider any possibilities. Shakespeare has a character proposing marriage, and very pointedly refuses to answer the proposal.

TA: Yes, but in our minds, as readers, it remains a possibility. And that's a problem.

DCeiver: That's only a problem because it's in your mind. This is a play. This is a text that is going to be staged. This is a question that the staging will answer, not the text. There's nothing esoteric about this, it is a fact. And the problem you are having is that you cannot conceive of the possibility of Isabel giving the answer you deem appropriate. But I saw this play produced less than a year ago, and in the production I saw, the character of Isabel shunned the Duke's proposal.

TA: That's all well and good, but we're evaluating this play as a work of literature.

DCeiver: And, what? I'm supposed to pretend that this piece of literature isn't a play? Your contention that this ending is a problem exists only in your mind. So we're not discussing this play as a piece of literature at all. We're discussing your reaction to this play. And I'm telling you, your reaction has got nothing to do with anything.

As you might have surmised, my English TA's tended to hate me.

But that's the problem with Hornaday's contention: the "problem" she has with these movies isn't really a problem with the movie. It's her problem, and she's just performing a bit of intellectual decoupage, slapping her own hangups overtop of a story that was never designed to address them, because it was too busy addressing what the author wanted addressed. Hornaday really needs to have some more realistic expectations. Sadly, I think at the root of it, is that Hornaday just thinks abortion is the better alternative than ending up with a guy who's not, let's say, aesthetically pleasing. Had Clive Owen been cast in Rogen's role, I promise you, none of the people who have criticized this movie for not addressing the subject of abortion would have said word one about it.

At bottom, then, am I suggesting that Hornaday's problem is that she's simply very shallow?

Oh, indeed I am.