Saturday, February 02, 2008

Summary Judgement: January 2008

It can be hard, sometimes, to keep up with your favorite blogs. Also: maybe it's not worth it. But there are solutions. Recently at HuffPo, we've been playing around with the "Auto-Summarizer" function of the new Microsoft Word. We've found it can be used to condense the State of the Union into a bite-size chunk. Also: it can make Glenn Beck sort of make sense. Sort of. Well, if you haven't the time to revisit what's been going on here at DCeiver for the past month, why not simply enjoy a summary? So here you have it: in summation, January of 2008.


Things look pretty good for UVa. right now. Defense is playing great also. UPDATE:. Sigh.

I think it goes without saying that I'll be disappointed if the Redskins don't beat the Seahawks this weekend in the NFC Wild Card game. Frankly, I'll be disappointed if we don't shellack them beyond recognition. Wife of DCeiver shall now settle them.

Plus Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem was a crucial part of saving the world in Deathly Hallows. If you want to chill, smoke cigarettes, and not worry about saving the world, you should be in Slytherin. Yeah. Fuck that. Anyway, I'm from Dunnington House.

As Pat Buchanan points out, conservatives don't like McCain. For the moment: cry, cry, cry.

Dear Iowa Republicans: All my love, you corn-sucking idiots,

Aren't "limousine liberals" the ones who berate Middle America when it votes "wrong"? This popular hawk hurls the ultimate tired insult: it's good for the terrorists. Richard Viguerie, who basically invented the conservative direct mail machine, sent out a blast email calling Huckabee a socialist.

Look who's back! Good, great, that's nice to hear.

Details for blinding your own baby can be had right here.

Ellen, don't ever change.

George W. Bush's sense of medical ethics tells him that he must avoid the future shocking nonsense of sci-fi novels, unless of course, there's a way to achieve his party's ultimate goal--reducing women to the machinery of high-tech uterine farms. Brave new world, indeed.

There's a lot to be creeped out/saddened/mystified by Theresa Duncan's death. If you've not done so already, go get yr golden opportunities!

A glimpse of the Iowa voter, in microcosm. Once upon a time, there was woman named Susan Klopfer, who lived in Mount Pleasant in her picturesque, middle-class home and with her pictureqsue, snow-covered lawn. She was a precinct captain for Hillary Clinton with a studied background in presidential politics. For a long time, a Hillary sign festooned her aforementioned lawn, and Klopfer happily "licked stamps" and "stuffed envelopes" for her chosen candidate. So Klopfer turned! Toward Hope!

CINCINNATI--After Thursday night's game with Xavier, John Edwards and Mitt Romney addressed the press. All right! Second place!" Edwards exulted. Edwards captured the evening's game as just a part of a larger picture: "Folks, we sent a strong message tonight. Mitt Romney played up UVa's successes in terms of the team's humble beginnings. Romney is listed in stable condition.

Amanda, do not fret. His beloved Seattle Supersonics were bought by a high-toned, megalomaniac confidence man named Clayton Bennett. Bennett will either blackmail the city into giving him a new stadium, Washington Nationals-style, or he'll take the team to Oklahoma City. Either result for James will feel to him like a long, cold lick of his own damp, chapped ass.

Wife of DCeiver: Wow. DCeiver: Ahh, how quickly you forget! I used to work for Thomas Pynchon! DCeiver: Erotic services, mainly.

Dude, I can't tell you how hard it is to know about all the crap going on in the world today and watch that commercial where a bunch of illiterate goobers lose their shit because Burger King has stopped selling the Whopper. Let's expend our motherfucking passion on microwaved goat patties.

There are plenty of laughs to be had reading Bill Kristol's debut column in the New York Times. There's his silly grab at the Obama bandwagon. There's the way he uses Michelle Malkin, of all people, for foundational support. There's the way he mistakenly misattributes that foundational support to Michelle Malkin! And of course, there's what Matt Yglesias points out: "You need to read his work with a decoder ring to try to figure out what's happening."

The New York Times' Tom Redburn asks, "Huckabee's Tax Plan Appeals, but Is It Fair?" A good question. The plan's supporters say that works out as a 23 percent rate because $30 is 23 percent of $130.

What? Are you a fan of the NYT Sunday column "Modern Love?" Well, in today's New York Times, there is an article titled "For Pentagon and News Media, Relations Improve With a Shift in War Coverage," in which we learn that the press and the Pentagon are back in love with one another. Such good news! A story of reconciliation and romance. A story that would fit well as the paper of record's Sunday overshare, the "Modern Love" column.

In a moment worthy of 'Dewey Beats Truman,' Sunday's Parade Magazine went out in newspapers all across the country with a blaring cover headline: "'I Am What The Terrorists Most Fear': Is Benazir Bhutto America's best hope against al-Qaeda?" Uhm...we sure hope not!

It is just like the old days when Pareene & Layne would spend Election Nights typing horrible things to each other over G-Chat. But this time, it's apparently about John Edwards refusing to ever concede to anyone, because of the Mill, and Pareene works for Gawker in New York. And then I thought: "Ha ha. Pareene works for Gawker."

The people have spoken? Maybe those nice midwestern folks were just joking! Wow! I mean, Bill Clinton was griping about how crappy it was that there wasn't enough time between Iowa and New Hampshire to stave off the bounce, but then the split of people who had made up their minds in the past 72 hours split 50-50 between Obama and Clinton. Whatever. This afternoon, the Clinton camp was talking end-stage strategy, and now they don't have to. Also, crying: it works! Anyway, primary fever: Catch it!

It all makes perfect sense. Pretty strong words from a guy whose big achievement has been wrecking Horatio Sanz's return to Saturday Night Live.

Dude wore a ball cap, brim pulled waaay down low over the bridge of his nose - to the point where I wondered if he could even see. The guy straight up waggled, grinding that pole, his shoulders moving in wild side to side abandon. This guy was totally like that. In this weary world, he taught me to believe again in the transcendent power of one man's psychotic, brainpan-melting, Godzilla-stomping, astronaut sexing, fuck-a-doodlerama. Know hope, crazy dancing guy. Know hope.

Dear The Makers Of Movies--America.

also: hillary and obama are in town and no one gives a shit. *Note: AN ACTUAL FUCKING WOLF.

It's a rather interesting article, I guess - though it speaks volumes that Facebook is seen as something as a substitute for a proper, institutionalized moral authority. Hunter and Shaw-Fox no longer shared a dorm, and they saw each other on campus only occasionally.That night, Hunter had been drinking beer in her friend's dorm room and watching movies when she impulsively sent Shaw-Fox a text message. The two text-messaged back and forth until midnight, when Shaw-Fox invited Hunter to his dorm. (Shaw-Fox had his own bedroom in the suite he shared with a friend.) "So eventually I was like, 'All right.' Shaw-Fox's mattress was on the floor pushed up against a wall, Hunter says. I started choking because he was just, like, pushing my head.… Eventually, Hunter was able to get up and put her clothes on, she says, because Shaw-Fox had to leave the room to vomit. The actions described are a clear cut case of attempted rape/sexual assault. Hunter calls what happened to her something akin to "gray rape," a term she learned from an article in Cosmopolitan written by Washington Post journalist Laura Sessions Stepp. Hunter admits she initiated the encounter. I blame Laura Sessions Stepp for Hunter's confusion, because that's what her "gray rape" nonsense does: foster confusion.

CatAn speaks of a "war" between proponents of Potbelly versus similar partisans in support of Cosi. How did we get saddled with their shit-ass-for-like baseballing concern and none of the cuisine? Those guys from Le Loup must eat that stuff!

You have the Culinary Workers Union, who are going to caucus at their casino workplaces and will likely turn out in big numbers for Obama, or the Clinton-backing teachers' unions, who oppose these workplace caucuses because it might make it possible for people to vote for Obama?

Hmmm, let's see.

I'm so glad that LAist included this crazy-assed scene from John Carpenter's They Live! on their top five fight scenes from the movies. If you haven't seen this movie, you owe it to yourself. Truly the Children of Men of its day.

As many of you know, I long ago dropped Home Box Office and the right to demand anything "on demand," so I'm working my way through their library of quality television via DVD.

Jon Stewart doesn't always need his writers.

Guess what? Guess what? Jonah Goldberg is probably the dumbest human being to have ever penned a book.

Uhm, duh. Mainly, I hate how we've reached one of those points where everyone seems content to sit back and accept all the dumb-sounding excuses and explanations as if it were okay. Robert Johnson is, simply put, a disgusting man. Only that Johnson, who now hearts Hillary, has been only too happy to provide President Bush with political cover for any number of terrible policy ideas, like the ending of the estate tax and the privatization of Social Security.


Besides: sneaking food within food? Dude.

OJ was like, "Buh-buh-buh." You aren't allowed to talk to anybody. Yeah, you heard me right! NO BOATS! Pretty much amazing.

Stereogum resuscitated this old cover of SPIN, circa April 1993. I understand that his wife needs to defeat Barack Obama.

Obviously, our own Metro is pretty state of the art as far as aesthetics goes, if you're talking about the United States.

I'm talking about the endless rounds of agita engendered by the comedy Knocked Up. I'll be happy to reconsider my position if and when she starts aborting all their babies. By the way, Heigl herself has famously complained that the movie was "a little sexist...It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight." Uhm...gee, Kath. You're one to talk!


Gawker Media, oy...what a mess. Thank God for Jezebel.

Silly Huckabee!

Anyway, the blogger formerly known as DCSOB was watching it, as well, and remarked: "Also, I-95 goes over the George Washington Bridge in New York, the Woodrow Wilson Bridge in Washington and any number of other bottlenecks. Anthropologically speaking, however, I enjoyed the experience. The wedding was Greek Orthodox and awesome. Anyway, if Ayn Rand's acolytes can consistently deliver such delicious osso bucco and filets mignons, then I say, let Atlas shrug!

The people who once brought you the titles of goddamned GUIDED BY VOICES ALBUMS are now in the business of naming James Bond movies.

Whatevs. The point is, it's a reminder that the Originals stay original.

On point as ever.

Jenna and Juno are less formidable, but unexpected fertility mocks their dreams of autonomy. The driver behind Juno's decision would have been her youth (inequity: Uhm...the same thing). Anyway, I think abortions should be safe and legal. I'd be interested in seeing a movie about how "female agency" and "autonomy" are affected by the decision to have an abortion. I'm really weary of critics pretending that Knocked Up and Juno meet these qualifications. What's the harm?

If you're an idiot, like, say Roger Kimball, it's better to get all het up in a juvenile, kindergarten snit. Saudi Arabia isn't a very tolerant place of other religions, he muses. It's total nonsense, and not just because it's ...uhm...nonsense. I wouldn't want to suggest that your insistence that Saudi Arabia built twenty synagogues destined to remain empty in perpetuity was grandiose.

Apparently Marcia Pappas of the New York branch of the National Organization for Women has lost her ever-loving mind because Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama for President. Fuck if I know. At any rate, Kennedy's endorsement has transformed a "psychological gang-bang" into a full-blown case of psyche-storming ass-nectar bukkake or something, because Pappas is back penning crazy-ass press releases: "Women have just experienced the ultimate betrayal. Senator Kennedy's endorsement of Hillary Clinton's opponent in the Democratic presidential primary campaign has really hit women hard. Women have buried their anger that his support for the compromises in No Child Left Behind and the Medicare bogus drug benefit brought us the passage of these flawed bills. We have thanked him for his ardent support of many civil rights bills, BUT women are always waiting in the wings." Wow. "Ultimate betrayal?" Calling out Howard Dean's brother? Now, I don't know if Pappas actually is a member of the Boomer generation, but that's OK, because "Boomer" is a household code word for "complete moron."

Guess what, Malcolm Gladwell? According to some guy named Duncan Watts one of Gladwell's foundational ideas - Influentials theory - is a crock. "It just doesn't work" Watts says, "A rare bunch of cool people just don't have that power. And when you test the way marketers say the world works, it falls apart. There's no there there."

Sounds like an interesting idea!

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