Monday, March 31, 2008

A Day In The Death Of My Bathtub

Today I awoke feeling as if a venomous egg sac had been broken inside of my sinuses. Attempts to stand, and later, walk, were met by splitting headache and wracking cough. These were the wages, I assumed, of having lived through the Worst Weekend Ever, so, I emailed in sick, brought blanket and pillow out to the sofa, forced the cats to lay with me and I begun a few hours of recuperative napping.

Much to my surprise, after four hours of napping, there was a knock on my door. It was the plumbers. They were here to fix a problem with my bathtub. See, my bathtub spigot has one of those things you pull up upon that shunts the water from the spigot to the shower and it had lately not been working. I suspected that there was a small chance the plumbers might come today to fix it, so I had prepared for them. For reasons that will, sadly, elude you, fixing the bathtub spigot required us to empty an entire closet in another room. This I had done, hoping that the plumbers might come. That I had to empty a closet, and that I had no certainty that the plumbers were coming are all part of a much larger and much more boring and aggravating story that I will spare you, only to say that they played a role in my having the Worst Weekend Ever.

Anyway, the plumbers got down to work and I attempted to return to recuperative napping. Unfortunately, I was thwarted in this hope because apparently, fixing my bathtub required the plumbers to make certain noises that I previously would have associated with the coming of the apocalypse. First, it sounded like they were landing multiple helicopters in my bathroom. Then, it sounded like they were raping a robot. Then, the plumbers took a break and left, possibly to pray to their Dark and Destructive Lords of Chaos. Finally, they returned and produced a noise that sounded like a bicycle, slowing getting strangled.

In the end, my bathtub would be fixed and the plumbers left, taking their diabolical soundtrack with them. Now, I would like to be alone, thank you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just pooped a little and vomited in my mouth a little. I read the labels in order across the bottom and laughed too.Z