Thursday, May 01, 2008

The Audacity Of Dopes: John McCain's Pantophobia

As this article in the Washington Times relates, John McCain is a man of many phobias. This is because he is five thousand years old, born during a time before men learned to hate and fear the Vietnamese, preferring instead to tremble in fear at the sight of eclipses and shit. As McCain has evolved, so have his many kooky ass pagan rituals, such as carrying lucky tokens, "knocking" on wood, and invoking the Ancient Dark Dirt Spirits who own his soul whenever he lies in public by uttering the cryptic mantra, "My friends."

One of the weirder phobias that John McCain has, according to the article, is the screaming terrors he gets whenever someone tosses a hat on a bed. Now, this fear strikes many as pretty oddball, but, I must inform you, this phobia is real and there are people who suffer from it, even though it makes nary a lick of sense.

I know this from personal experience. See, whilst matriculating at UVa., my friend Tiffany became enamored of a hat I often wore around Grounds. She would often tell me how much she admired it, so, because I am a kind and generous friend, I decided I would procure one of her very own. Having done so, I went - hat in hand, so to speak - to her sorority house to give her the gift.

When I got there, one of her sisters greeted me with the news that she was in class. I told her that I was just coming round to give her a gift, so she suggested I go upstairs and leave it in her room. At the time, she shared this room with frequent DCeiver commenter Tracy, and another woman, who we shall call A.L. When I got to her room, I found A.L. on the floor, doing some sort of classwork. I really didn't want to bother her, so I said a brief hello, explained that I had gotten Tiff a gift, leisurely chucked the hat upon the bed, and made my way back downstairs and out.

I had no way of knowing it at the time, but it turned out that A.L. was a chronic sufferer of no-toss-hat-on-bed dread. I was caught up on the aftermath of my phobic hat dispensing later in the day. If I recall it correctly, the sight of the hat, tossed so Cavalierly on the bed, paralyzed her with fear. And so she remained terror-stricken, until Tiffany returned home and removed the hat from the bed.

Crazy, right? Well, it happens! This phobia, while sounding far-fetched, is actually quite real, and it's something to think about before you go around tossing hats onto people's beds. For all you know, your casual action could cause someone to experience unrelenting terror.

In retrospect, I have to imagine that the fact that the hat itself - a black baseball cap festooned with the single word: "FUCKER" - could hardly have helped matters.


Jim H said...

"Hat on the Bed" was a major plot device in the great Gus van Sant flick, Drugstore Cowboy.

PK said...

In retrospect, it's pretty stunning how long it took the Fucker Hat to make an appearance on this blog.

divine ms k said...

Oh, the memories... remember White Trash Melrose? That lovely weekend of drinking to excess, smoking Sampoerna Xtras, and watching the knock-down drag-out screaming drunken escapades of the Shiffletts next door? Good times, man... good times.