Thursday, May 01, 2008

Summary Judgement: April 2008

Another month has passed here at The DCeiver. What was it we were going on and on about? Too much crap to review at length, which is why we use the Auto-Summarizer to reduce it to a more manageable level of intractable verbosity. Har-dee-har, here's April 2008, Ltd.


Tuskegee! Also, lots of people loved Barbaro, and he died, and now we're sad, bad people. TUSKEGEE!

DCEIVER: well, I have drawn a line. it's hard to read! the appeal is lost on me.

BLOGS T R E T C H: yeah, his tumblr is great.

DCEIVER: exactly. funnily enough, it seems that Tumblr inspires the average blogger to start many different blogs of limited appeal. And that way lies MADNESS. I know all too well. I created what must have been the most short-lived, but well-publicized blog in the history of the universe. There was a time where everyone thought that David Lee Roth was seriously training to be a new york city EMT, so I started THE NIGHT THAT DAVID LEE ROTH SAVED MY LIFE on the back of this news.

BLOGS T R E T C H: bwaahahahahhaah. that's a true shame

DCEIVER: I sort of imagined that there would be all these great stories to share.

BLOGS T R E T C H: it was good foresight. if it had come to fruition, you'd have been riding a big old wave.


BLOGS T R E T C H: i mean, what if the lolcat people hadn't put up their first icanhazcheezburger?

DCEIVER: very true! I know! Mostly casting about in the dark, chasing down different ideas, hoping that the next bit of whimsy sparks something massive. The year is young.

Many-funnied prettyhead Casie Platt has a blog! The Southern Bellicose. Dirty, dirty potential.

At long last, available from the cold, dead hand of Charlton Heston.

Mark Penn wrote some book on "microtrends," then joined the Clinton campaign because apparently they think he's a genius. Then Mark Penn said that Obama's dumb message of hope and change only resonated with impressionable elites, and he should know, because he sold his book full of dumb messages to them as well. No one noticed that Penn was dumb or his ideas were dumb or that Bill Clinton himself won the presidency on a message of hope and change or that Penn was slowly turning Hillary Clinton into a cyborg made of copper wires, tears, and fraud.

UVA has stepped in to ban the self-segregation that inaugurates college careers by randomizing the dormitories of incoming students, who have long been given the choice of McCormick Road (old dorms) and Alderman Road (new dorms). A lot has changed. People chose the McCormick Road dorms because they wanted to have a classic, dorm-style experience. And people chose the Alderman Road dorms because they didn't want to live in a fucking dump for a year.

"Do you think the long process benefits McCain?” Well do you? Because then we could at least move to the next question, "Do you think that long process benefitted McCain?" I am ready to face that question! I read this and realized, OMG. The people of Pennsylvania! A lot of people see the gap in the polls narrowing between Obama and Clinton and are like: "Whaddayaknow? The bowling stuff works!" But maybe, just maybe, Pennsylvania is filled with Democrats who are slowly realizing that the only way to stop McCain from benefitting from the long primary process is to put a stop to the process. Mainly because the Clinton argument is: we win big states (big states being the plausibly sizable states we've won), important states, states that prove we're electable. Pennsylvania is the last chance to bring this in on time. So why are we talking about Obama bowling?

Shit! Apparently, in Iraq, the law allows everyone to keep one AK-47 in their homes. Oh well! Scenes from your quagmire, America!

All day long, I watched Democrats (plus the odd Hagel, I suppose) try to pin Petraeus and Crocker down on some variation on the "conditions" question. What will happen if we withdraw from Iraq? Good news, right? I have to confess, though, the thought that ran through my head looking at the chart was more like, "Holy shit! Almost as if warring sects are biding their time and stockpiling resources for a civil war, maybs?” Anyway...if the trend reverses, Petraeus will probably come back with another graph and say, "We're finding fewer and fewer caches of explosives. Good news!

"Primarily a screen actor, he proceeds to waste 20 minutes of my time with a long, convoluted, and ultimately stupid movie pitch." I was going to pitch you my own idea for a movie: basically, ninjas meets Kings Dominion. Anyway, jeez. Now you hate actors. Cast your lot with the lighting designers!

Weingarten set this up like an experiment—how much will you pay to hear a world-famous classical musician if you aren't told he's a world-famous classical musician? It takes plenty of "art appreciation" to even grok Weingarten's premise. It also takes the appropriate time and space to read and absorb Weingarten's piece. If the violinist were afforded the same luxury Weingarten claims for himself, more people would have been able to appreciate the "art."

ANSWER: Write up a quick item using the word "tits" four or five times, and hope for a Google Trend.

Forget the poor, waifish meth-head giving it up for fifteen bucks.

Non-car drivers, public transpo enthusiasts, deserve late night take out, too, people? What about people who hate cars but LOVE the pneumatic tubes that banks use in their drive thrus?

Yeah. Yeah. Scary. IUDs? Yeah. Intrauterine devices? Sorry. Improvised explosive devices. Nice.

I worked at the record store for the releases of Wu-Tang Forever and Life After Death and we played the hell out of the latter.

It was a stupid sounding name for a candidate/campaign event - though maybe CNN will balance this with a "Misanthropy Forum" at a later date - but I thought the quality of the questions were extraordinary. The questions asked by the two media professionals, Campbell Brown and John Meacham were unbelievably inane.

So people like George Lakoff and Thomas Frank took up the matter, identified solutions and suggested strategies that, by all appearances seem to have been taken to heart by the Democratic party for some time now. Besides, it's an absolute certainty that Obama's comment reflect a foundational precept of her own primary strategy. Her beefing is absurd: it's like Obama said, "I'm for ending the Iraq War," and Clinton countering, "I'm five ending the Iraq War!! I'm six ending the Iraq War!!"

Ultimately, this is a primary problem for Obama, but less so a general election obstacle. Conventional wisdom says that Obama's remarks give McCain the opportunity to paint Obama as a "liberal elite." Your ass is showing, Haircut.

That shit looks straight irrational! Well, of course a "defamatory post" on "constitutes defamation!" Paging Shayna!

Judge for yourself, and, if possible, let me down easy.

Look, so Pennsylvania failed to end anything tonight (except the Caps season! Fuck you, Flyers!)
Especially if you are planning to get as blackout drunk as me!

Go and guess which ones if you like! Oh well.

Well, yesterday while killing time waiting for Harold and Kumar to escape from Guantanamo Bay, I had the chance to duck into a Barnes and Noble and procure Matt's book, Heads in the Sand. Anyway, Matt wrote this book, Heads In The Sand. It is about how the Republicans screw up foreign policy and foreign policy screws up the Democrats, and I can't recommend it enough. Mind you, I haven't read it. I will read this book, of course. Allow me to make my case. You should buy this book even if you intend to not read it. People will notice you, remark on it, and
perhaps, if everything else breaks your way, fuck you. Matt pointed out that Kriston Capps had already been accosted on a city bus by some woman who noticed the book and remarked upon it. If a book can be judged by the quality of the television bought with its advance, then Heads In The Sand is a must read. If there's one thing I know about Michael O'Hanlon, it this: that motherfucker never had his teevee mentioned by name in the New York Times. Heads In The Sand reminds me of a big and shimmery and expensive television. Like I said: I have not read Matt's book. But I have read the index of my boss' book* and discovered that Matt is mentioned on pages 198 and 199. So you should definitely get Heads In The Sand. Matt Yglesias' Heads In The Sand is a book I'll almost certainly read before I read Keith Gessen's new one.

Over at Foreign Policy's website, you can vote for your favorite Public Intellectuals.

DCeiver: for what? Someone should sue the Eagles for running a pass-wacky offense that can't win championships!

Blogs t r e t c h: hahahahahaha. YES. Time for a seventeen yard fly pattern! flyyyyyyy eagles

DCeiver: True. TERRIBLE.

Blogs t r e t c h: hahaha.


Blogs t r e t c h: I enjoy having my bubble burst

DCeiver: Jim Zorn'll be like, " high can you throw the ball?

Blogs t r e t c h: "We know Varsity Blues was inspiring, but please, just stop."

DCeiver: "But we drafted SEVENTEEN receivers!"

Blogs t r e t c h: hahaha


Blogs t r e t c h: are you preparing a list of zorn puns?

DCeiver: Every single letter in his name can be elongated. GONNA CHUCK IT TO LARGENT!"

Blogs t r e t c h: You're scaring me.

DCeiver: That was the Seahawks total offensive plan. It will be called, "I'm Open, Coach!”

"The rapper is a huge Iron Man fan, naming his first album Iron Man and adopted the alter ego of Tony Stark as one of his many rap aliases." Damn, Marvel! What movie isn't improved by the inclusion of Ghostface? KTHXBAI.

I've been around long enough to know that anytime somebody goes into a windup for a big hatin' on the blogs rant, you should sit down, grab some popcorn, and prepare yourself to watch a grown man show his ass. I mean, in the first place, if your whole point is to suggest that blogs represent a coarsening of letters, here's a hint: don't be the first guy in the conversation to bust out some obscenities. In the time before the internet allowed for the permanent, searchable, archiveable "publication" of the thoughts of common people, motherfuckers like the ones who populate the Deadspin comment boards were packed into bars, stadiums, and neighborhood grillouts, having conversations, sharing opinions, you know--living their lives. You think blogs are the critical ingredient in the chicken-egg scenario that led to Sean Salisbury being called a "fetus-faced windbag?" Hell, no. Salisbury's been being called a "fetus-faced windbag" since time immemoriam. The truth ain't nothin' but the truth, Buzz. You just no longer get to live in a world that allows you the illusion that the truth doesn't apply to you. As if you could take a motherfucking word of it seriously after Bissinger showed his ass.

Jason Lee famously cursed his firstborn with the name Pilot Inspektor. Street Bunny.

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