Sunday, June 29, 2008

Almost Killed Me: How Your IPod Disqualified You From The Presidency

Last week we asked people to crack open their iPod and Zune's and stuff (one person on an Unfogged thread participated by randomizing their Winamp player, which should have been the red flag right there) to find out how soon into their library did they come to a song that totally wrecked their chances for being President. This was inspired by Barack Obama's thoroughly vetted playlist of unimpeachable rock faves and solid hip-hop icons. Well, we got responses here, there, everywhere: in the comments, on Unfogged, over at Matt's blog, and now Spencer's taking this shit global. Later this year, I'll be at Netroots Nation in Austin and the Democratic National Convention in Denver, and I'll be asking people the same question. DOES THAT EXCITE YOU???

Anyway, I realized that I had never actually done this to myself! So here we go:

1. "Promenade," by the Gourds. Ha. Nothing objectionable in this song, but it's a hilarious lead-off anyway, because it contains the lyric, "Somehow my losing just comes natural like a southern Democrat." What? I don't believe in the 50-State strategy?

2. "I Better Run," by the Rosebuds. Grandma struggled with her subprime mortgage and dad "built an awful flame." But while their demise may have come about because of drugs or "dirty murder" but you can't implicate me in that shit. You hear me!

3. "Happy Phantom," by Tori Amos. Hmmm. Polytheism? Running naked through the streets? General Tori Amosness? Close to a DQ, but the overall pleasantness of the song carries me through. I'd have had a harder time explaining "Leather" or "Icicle." Plus there are all those songs that I don't even think Tori can explain. "Putting the Damage On?" What's that about?

4. "Cassius," by Foals. "The lighthouse is an accident!!" No problem here.

5. "Boom," by Flight Of The Conchords. Okay. This doesn't DISQUALIFY me from the presidency, but it makes it impossible for me to win it, because satire just doesn't fly with the public. If we did, we'd already by building golden statues to Mike Huckabee.

6. "Souvenir," by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. Well, that got me the Governess' vote. Probably lost me about a thousand more. But no DQ.

7. "No Key, No Plan," by Okkervil River. Look, iPod, I already have the Governess' vote. Let's move on.

8. "Narcolepsy," by Ben Folds Five. Sort of suggests a need for an occasional Xanax, but if Cindy McCain can skate by, so can I.

9. "The Lost Brigade," by Ted Leo/Pharmacists. This shit gets the right people standing behind me without poisoning the well for all those MOR swing vote fucksticks that I guess I'm going to need.

10. "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa," by Vampire Weekend. "As a young girl, Louis Vuitton with your mother on a sandy lawn. As a sophomore with reggaeton and the linens you're sitting on." In a perfect world, this probably should disqualify me.

11. "The Underdog," by Spoon. Ok. So now I've gained the critical Amanda Mattos vote.

12. "Bunk Trunk Skunk," by Be Your Own Pet. "I'm an independent motherfucker and I'm here to take your money. I'm wicked rad and I'm here to steal away your virginity."

Yep. That oughtta do it! In fairness, though...isn't this sort of a Kinsley gaffe?

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