Thursday, June 12, 2008


Vanilla Ice had one single. So did House of Pain. Everlast tried to have a solo career but had to do the nu-rap/nu-folk thing to do it, and people were so surprised by that alone, he actually made some money in the late 90's before fading into obscurity yet again. The Insane Clown Posse (shudder) could only shock so many mothers before they turned into a live stage dog-and-pony Jerky Boys with more brain-drain power. There was that Jewish guy, Remedy, who was briefly affiliated with the Wu-Tang Clan, and was notable for referencing the Holocaust in his music (lesson: never underestimate the Wu's tendency towards diversity in anything). There was White Dawg, known only for papering The Source and XXL with ads of music nobody in their right mind would listen to (but apparently, some still do. A Richard Marx sample? Really?). F-r-e-d D-u-r-s-t, and we say no more. MC Serch did The White Rapper Show on VH1, which set everybody on this planet back about twelve years. Bubba Sparxx was lucky enough to be picked up by Timbaland, only to be left to rot after his shit didn't take off (a white farmboy who raps about being ugly? Buy!). Kid Rock is barely holding on by turning his hip-hop tribute act into something that insults both fans of hip hop and country music, which makes him the poor man's (or the USO's) David Allen Coe (with his variation on the n-word gleaning only a slightly different context). MC Paul Barman named his much-hyped record Cockmobster, and that was easily the best part of it. Paul Wall probably sold more GRILLS than albums. I know there are those who say they like Sage Francis, but I don't know anybody who actually listens to him besides angry Evergreen students who still read Adbusters. Brian Austin Greene once tried to rap, and he couldn't even get booked at the Peach Pit. Kevin Federline was a joke, but I think someone, somewhere played his single just to hear it. The Streets is great, but how many times have you actually listened to that first album? Aesop Rock used to fall out of this grouping, but (A) he's Albino - either him or Murs or Brother Ali, but does it matter? - which is post-white and (B) ever since he rapped with John Darnielle, he might as well be signed to a McSweeney's/Def Jam imprint. And then there's Eminem: someone who took their enormous, street-born talent, saw where the money was, and ran that way - if it's white kids buying all the rap music, why not just openly pander to them? It's an old trick, and it's proven to work, so we soon find ourselves adding him to that Oscar list of winners now that don't belong, somewhere between Mira Sorvino and Mel Gibson. Only the Beastie Boys escape clean, and even they've mentioned still feeling terrible about the "whiffle ball bat" line in "Paul Revere."
Via Young Manhattanite, part of a long and hilarious preamble to why should be picking up that new Atmosphere record right Sold!

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