Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Highlights From Hill Hotties 2008

Okay. Surely you know the drill by now. Every July, THE HILL puts out their annual Most Beautiful People On Capitol Hill list. It's always about 20 people too long, and the writing is kinda bad, and it's filled with inexplicable shit, and we sort of kind of run roughshod over it. We've been doing this for years. Here's 2007's and 2006's and 2005's and 2004's. Read and enjoy, and cue a million bloggers with their "Hollywood For Ugly People" jokes, which are just as funny now as they were 76,272,172 times ago.

Tulainia Elisa (legislative assistant, Ed Markey)

Tulania Elisa is stylish and attractive and single. A catch! But even though she's given the top spot by THE HILL, she's subjected to some of the worst writing I have ever read. Consider this:

"I'm very clumsy," she says during an afternoon chat last week in the Longworth Cafeteria.

True to her word, when she was 12 she rode the train alone with her friends for the first time and got hit by a car. The car hit her ankle. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it, she went on her way and tried to ignore the pain. But soon she saw her ankle dangling off the bone and was immediately rushed to the hospital, where she got a growth plate and a cast up to her hip that she wore for a month.

Ooookay, I am really having a hard time with the whole narrative there. She got on a train...alone...but WITH friends. And on that train, she was...hit by a car? And the car hit ONLY her ankle? In that accident she had? On the uhm...TRAIN. And then there's the whole "not wanting to make a big deal about" her "ankle dangling off the bone." Can an ankle dangle off a bone?

And the whole thing is framed as her being "true to her word" that she was clumsy? But I hardly think that somebody gets hit by a car on a train that they're riding alone but with friends resulting in a bone dangling off the bone because of CLUMSINESS. I think that these mishaps come about because she smashed through nine parallel universes at once, each with their own corresponding and constrasting sets of rules that govern physics and anatomy.

Brecke Latham

Last year, THE HILL made a big deal about one of their subjects who wore red, ALL THE TIME, and then included a picture of her wearing green. Here, Brecke Latham is lauded for her "stick-straight, long blond hair that matches her outfit of a yellow- and white-striped seersucker suit," so naturally she's pictured in a black, satiny sheath dress.

Roy Zimmerman (Capitol Police)

Roy Zimmerman gets to be the Capitol Policeman featured in the Hill Hotties this year, and we'll also note the return of the Towering Hat Of Justice.

Elizabeth Kucinich (Crimson-Tressed Peace Goddess)

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: no matter what else you think of Dennis Kucinich, you need to NEVER FORGET (TM) that the man is the motherfucking mack!

Crystal Dollins (legislative correspondent, John Sununu)

Crystal Dollins, who THE HILL misidentifies as Mustafa Ali, because she is a secret al Qaeda sexbot maybe, enjoys wearing dresses that pay homage to her favorite punctuation mark, the brackets. She enjoys massaging her ovaries in public. She says, "Recently I was walking down the hallway and someone just straight-faced looked at me and said, 'You are delicious.'" That person? Elizabeth Kucinich. And, my friends, things got a whole lot more delicious from there.

Emily Zammitt (legislative correspondent, Mario Diaz-Balart)

Zammitt is pictured here participating in her favorite hobby, self-delousing.

Rep. Gresham Barrett (R-SC)

"Rep. Gresham Barrett (R-S.C.) is proof positive that a high school quarterback can marry his cheerleader girlfriend and live happily ever after." Phew! Glad that's been proven! It's certainly an improvement over the quarterback who was proof positive that being a fake cowboy moron could only take you so far if you were a crypto-racist goon (George Allen).

Kristina Spiegel

"Kristina has already begun to master the skill of being friendly without giving too much away," which makes her the heroic Late Night Shots bonerkiller of 2008! She also says she has an "interest in philosophy, especially the work of Immanuel Kant, but prefers not to explore his intricate weavings on a first date." Word. Best to start slow with Spiegel...start off with some light Descartes or Spinoza. No one wants to feel like that first date has some sort of categorical imperative. Take it easy, and play your cards right, and by the fifth date you will be Foucaulting her Hegel like a Jung Schopenhauer on (Karl) Poppers.

Aaron Gardner (DCI Group)

Likes to drink the ghetto latte, which apparently flies at Dunkin Donuts but will earn him a mad dickpunching at Murky Coffee. In fact, I prefer to think of this picture as a post-dickpunch portrait.

Andrew Noyes (Congress Daily)

Hmmm. Meet Mr. Declined to Specify! Though the prose tends to be a little leading: "Noyes, who's in a five-year relationship, says both he and his dog require little maintenance." Also declining to specify: whatever the FUCK is going on with that hair!

Andrew Savage (Communications Director, Peter Welch)

Basically, this dude is depicted as perfect - handsome, athletic, artsy and soulful maker of his own furniture. THE HILL wonders "what would happen if he ever decides to run for office?" Uhm, basically, he'd be the white Barack Obama*, and we'd be calling his supporters Savagebots and Harold Ickes testicles would shrivel to the size of pine nuts.

*Except he's probably right on FISA.

Angelle Kwemo (legislative director, William Jefferson)

Kwemo is said to have "a mysterious kind of beauty - the kind that unfolds by the minute." But she works for Louisiana Representative William Jefferson, so hidden in those folds are thousands of dollars in bribes.

Carl Baloney (legislative correspondent, Charlie Melancon)

Yes, as you might have guessed, THE HILL went right for the Oscar Mayer joke.

Coty Wamp (intern, John Ensign)

Man, I showed up. Pimpin' ya cold up. I head straight to the bar just to post up. I roll the dro up, my cup mold up. Bitch don't just stand there wit ya nose up. C'mon WAMP! WAMP! What it do?

Crystal Chiu (Nancy Pelosi)

Chiu is depicted here in her Official Rachael Ray terrorist keffiyah, ensuring that she will be figure prominently in all of Michelle Malkin's internment camp bondage fantasies.

David Ward (press secretary, William Burr)

Precisely what and how many animals were killed to manufacture Ward's hair is not known, but in a statement released this evening, PETA says, "Ehhh, it doesn't look like it was any animal we give a particular fuck about."

Elizabeth McWhorter (staff, John McCain)

McWhorter, who we'd tour the Capitol with any day, "attends classes at the Naval War College, where she's learning about national security policy." As long as she's not learning about it from her boss!

Elizabeth Murray (staff, Richard Shelby)

"Murray says only that she's 'amused' when people say she looks like the weight-challenged celebrity Nicole Richie." To say the least! Even Rachel Zoe wouldn't dress Richie in that crap!

Jenny Harp (staff, John Dingell)

According to THE HILL, "Harp shares a house in Columbia Heights with six other girls, known to them as 'the Mantionette.'" I haven't a fucking clue what a mantionette is, but it sure sounds gentrificalicious. I wager even money she's one of those people who call the neighborhood "CoHi" - or worse: "Cheights." Such people will be among the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

SIDE NOTE: Read her entry carefully. It seems that THE HILL has Craigslist, and Emily's List confused.

Jill Davidsaver (lobbyist, National Cattleman's Beef Association)

THE HILL writes: "Growing up, Jill Davidsaver wanted to be a veterinarian and for a stint she did the whole vegetarian thing. But she never thought her life would revolve around cows."


Kelly Shields (staff, Virgil Goode)

"It's fun to get up in the morning and hit balls." And indeed it is! Especially if they're Virgil Goode's.

Kristie Muchnok (House Admin Committee, Washington Wizards Dance Team)

Muchnok (highly suggestive last name, btw), says she sees "a lot of promise in [Wizards] rookie JaVale McGee." Matt Yglesias replies, "She has her HEAD IN THE SAND. Kosta Koufos is the pick for robust liberal internationalists."

Kristin Sutton (staff, Tim Walberg)

Sutton looks like a normal human being most of the year, but when midnight strikes nigh on the Winter Solstice, "her hair turns brown as a bear and her complexion" becomes so pale that "you can actually see through" her. Yes, Sutton is a were-wraith, and the villagers fear the winter months, and the harvest of souls she leaves in her wake.

Laurie Coleman (spouse, Norm Coleman)

"Some politicians' spouses stay in the background," quoth THE HILL. And some politician's spouses invent the "Blo and Go" a device that has suffered some brand identity problems in her native Minneapolis ever since Larry Craig christened the airport bathroom with the same name.

Mike DuBois (legislative assistant, Kit Bond)

DuBois changed the pronunciation of his last name from "doo-BWAH" to "duh-BOYS" per Republican Party diktat that stipulates that any elite, French-sounding name be changed to something that sounds like it was uttered by the mouths of illiterate Hill People. THE HILL repeats this fact over and over again, because it is the only thing about this man that is remotely interesting.

Moira Bagley (RNC)

Bagley was probably the NOM NOM NOMMIEST thing that ever worked at ROLL CALL. She refers to Chardonnay, though, as "Chard," which is unfortunate, but hey, cf. Republican diktat/illiterate Hill Person.

Otto Mucklo (legislative assistant, John Ensign)

2 Fast 2 Furious 2B 4Gotten!

Rana Abtar (Capitol Hill correspondent, Al Hurra)

Abtar is the pretty face of our failed neo-conservative propaganda efforts. What, you thought it was John Bolton?

Steve Ellis (lobbyist, Taxpayers for Common Sense)

Ellis moved from Adams Morgan because "he was tired of waking up at 3 a.m. to vomiting drunks." For this reason, he also refuses to live near the Brookings Institution.

Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY)

It says something about the quality of Capitol Hill hotness that THE HILL felt the need to round out this list with Vito Fucking Fossella. I'm sure that someone on staff said, "Really? Fossella? The scandal plagued fucktard who fathered a child out of wedlock?" Some editor replied, "Dammit! I know that! But it's about THE BEAUTY. THE MAN IS QUITE SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!" Oy.

Rick Keller's Office

This office won the 2008 award for Most Beautiful Office. And what can I say? I would fuck this office silly.


jillian said...

I love it when you do this - also, happy belated birthday!

Lady Miss Alicia said...

I don't know which is more of my favorite DC summer tradition: The List itself or your fantastic commentary. Awesome.

HRH King Friday XIII said...


Spencer Ackerman said...

Be proud you beat K-Capps to the 'Wamp Wamp' line. Player looka here.

Anonymous said...

Mustafa Ali is or was an LA in Conyers' (MI) office. Perhaps a late cut from the list? Scandalous!

Anonymous said...

Noyes and Channel 5's Will Thomas are rather close friends...


Gossip Girl

Ursula said...

"2 Fast 2 Furious 2B 4Gotten!"

LULZ. Good job.

K SP8S said...

I'm in love with your words. I would marry them and have their babies.

Ms☆Go said...

Tulainia, Roy, Elizabeth, Emily, Kelly, and Moira are gorgeous.

Everybody else is either cute or average.

Andrew looks like T-2000's brother.

Anonymous said...

I would prolly do that one chick up the pooper, the chick with those tits. You know.

Anonymous said...

It's a shame your vocabulary is so limited that the "F" word has to be used so much to make your point here.

BTW: Are you a Democrat?

Anonymous said...

Andrew Noyes and Will Thomas have been dating for years. It's sad that he isn't open about this.

Anonymous said...

Why did you stop? There are so many more profiles!!! Keep going!

Anonymous said...

was this supposed to be funny?

it's not even remotely amusing, nor is it witty or intelligent or anything of that sort. this "commentary" is so inane and dull that it makes me wonder how the hell someone could call it "fantastic" or "awesome."

q:why did they stop?
a:because they ran out of unfunny things to say.

do those of us who enjoy comedy a favor and kill yourself.

The Deceiver said...

You're jealous, I get it.

Peter Orvetti said...

Fossella? Well, I guess Gary Condit isn't available anymore.

Anonymous said...

This thing is lame. Most of these people aren't even good looking. They're not ugly by any means, but "hotties"? Give me a break...