Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Official End User License Agreement For the Murky Coffee Triple Espresso

End User License Agreement


THIS END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT (the "Agreement") dated this 15th day of July, 2008 (the "Execution Date")

BETWEEN:Murky CoffeeNick Assbag, Owner (the "Vendor") OF THE FIRST PART and You Fucking Customers Who Seem to Want to Get Dickpunched (the "Licensee") OF THE SECOND PART


BACKGROUND:
The Vendor wishes to license a coffee drink to the Licensee and the Licensee desires to purchase this amazing coffee under the terms and conditions stated below, and shut up, and like it, including the part where they shut up.

IN CONSIDERATION OF the provisions contained in this Agreement and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:

1. Under this Agreement the Vendor grants to the Licensee an exclusive and non-transferable license (the "License") to use Triple Shot Of Espresso (the "Drink").

2. "Drink" includes the espresso and any related product for containing the "Drink." The "Drink" shall not include ice in any form, not even ice brought from home. Not even ice from outside. The Licensee may not leave the store in an ice storm. Even if it becomes clear to all parties that the only way to save a life or avert some sort of terrible, global consuming disaster is to add ice to this espresso, tough titties. Any demand for ice shall be met with a dickpunching.

3. Vendor Nick Cho retains the right to act as if the brewing of coffee is something he invented himself, as if the whole idea sprung from his golden fucking head like Pallas Athena, its practices too arcane and mysterious to even try to fucking explain to you little goatfelching cockmasters. I mean, the Vendor is so full up with sweet, sweet knowledge of coffee that it has literally robbed his brain of the capacity to do simple things, like fulfill his tax obligations. ANYWAY, YOU WILL BE DICKPUNCHED.

4. This Agreement grants a site license to the Licensee, entitling him to imbibe the "Drink" on the premises. These privileges can be revoked at the discretion of the Vendor should the licensee fail to adhere to cafe standards. Guests are expected to be tragically disaffected, pretentious douchebags who are largely failures at any formal type of employment. Anyone who falls asleep or shows any general sign of well-adjustment will be dickpunched.
5. ALL DICKPUNCHINGS WILL TAKE PLACE IN THE CUPPING ROOM. THAT'S RIGHT: We are the type of establishment that has a goddamned cupping room. There is also a teabagging room, but this is for the exclusive use of the owner, Nick, and his star dicktard barista, obvs.

6. The Drink may not be modified, reverse-engineered, de-compiled, altered, augmented or enhanced in any manner through current or future available technologies. Additionally, the Drink may not be enjoyed in any way other than the way the owner, Nick, intended. In fact, why the fuck are you reading this EULA? Don't most people skip to the end and just agree to this shit? The espresso is losing heat! It must be enjoyed at the temperature at which it is served! Drink it now! Now! GOD DAMN I WANT TO PUNCH A DICK SO BAD!

7. Failure to comply with any of the terms under the License section will be considered a material breach of this Agreement, and then I get to punch your dick. MAKE MY DAY! I AM A COMPLETE FUCKSTICK WITH NO REGARD FOR SOCIAL NICETIES

8. Full consideration for this agreement will be obtained by proferring $2.25 USD paid by the Licensee. In addition, the Licensee must, at all times, evince an almost histrionic appreciation for the entirely quotidian task we perform, which is making coffee.

5 comments:

meg said...

i wonder if it's against murky's policy to put ice on your dick after nick punches it

Reid said...

This sh*t would never have flown under the watchful eyes of Brad and Carrie at the old Common Grounds.

Nick said...

Thanks for the props. Well-written and very eloquent humor there.

-The Assbag

Mats Lematos said...

And, remember, Mr. Cho, that's 2.25 plus tax.

gwen said...

"Vendor Nick Cho retains the right to act as if the brewing of coffee is something he invented himself, as if the whole idea sprung from his golden fucking head like Pallas Athena, its practices too arcane and mysterious to even try to fucking explain to you little goatfelching cockmasters"

god bless you DCeiver. god bless.