Monday, July 14, 2008

Stepp Right Up

Now that Laura Sessions Stepp has vacated the Washington Post through buy-out, in order to travel the land, dispensing her psycho-prude brand of disastrous hysteria, one wonders: who might take her place at the paper, to serve as that paper's de facto source of kooky-ass, teen-themed think pieces. Tracy nominated Marguerite Kelly, and I think she might be on to something.

In this July 4th Q&A, Kelly is asked about whether teenagers should have an open-or-closed bedroom door policy when "entertaining" in their bedrooms. The questioners daughter has a good case for the allowance: she's a good student, has earned trust through her behavior and actions (according to the mother), and her cited reason - pestersome little brothers - is cited by the mom as valid. Then again: teens love to fuck. So what's a mom to do.

Now, I don't think you'd be a fool as a parentif you mandated the "open-door" policy or even forbade the use of the bedroom as a venue for mixed-gender "entertainment," though, since a lot of activity now takes place in front of computers, this might be harder than it was twenty years ago. But I doubt I'd talk about the matter in terms that make my stomach quease over with pure skeeve:

Most children between 3 and 7 will play doctor sooner or later, and if a grown-up isn't around, the little boy may try to take the little girl's temp by poking a popsicle stick or a spoon up her bottom. This leads to giggles and, if they're caught, to embarrassment and tears, but it also leaves them with a yen to do it again. That's why experienced parents insist that the door stays open whenever young children are playing in a room by themselves.
Uhm, okay, gross. Just...gross. I...uhm. No. No. Just wrong. On so many levels. On all levels. I'm sorry, but when we shoved spoons up each others asses as children, we didn't call it "doctor," we called it the Shove Spoons Up Each Others Ass game. And it never "led to giggles." In fact, it always ended in tears. That was the object of the game! If your kid really is playing the Shove Spoons Up Each Others Ass game, then you had better be ready to shell out for some mad therapy.

Anyway, there's this:

Tell your daughter you love her and trust her, but her boyfriend may not always be able to resist temptation if they're alone in a closed room. To allow her to close her bedroom door would be unfair to him and to her, since 14-year-olds aren't mature enough to handle the feelings that would pour over them when they crossed that chasm between adolescence and adulthood, nor would your daughter be ready for her friends and her world to know that she had made that leap. There is no such thing as a secret, especially in high school.
Doesn't that seem to be terrible parenting to you? Man, I gotta tell you, my "don't get some random girl pregnant" came with a fucking cost-benefit analysis that taught me in riveting, down-to-earth, mortal-terror terms about how much my life would suck if I got saddled with a zygote at age seventeen. I took a long, hard look at the girls from my neighborhood and school and was like, nuh-uh...not these ladies! Nuts to that! But in this case, mom and dad tell their kid that some overwhelming urge of horniness is going to "pour over them" and they wouldn't be able to resist it. That's just a crazy thing to say!

Anyway, some personal experience comes to bear here. I had a friend back in high school whose mother was so crazy a'scurred about what might happen in her home that not only was I - and indeed, all males - not allowed in her bedroom, we were not allowed to ascend from the ground floor under any circumstances. To her, teen urges were purely a product of elevation. Looking back now, I wish I had thought to tell her, "Look. I'm going to honest with you. There's about seven other places in this house I could have nailed your daughter many times over by now. I cannot stress enough just how not-fucked she is going to be with me. I am going to not-fuck her brains in."

Because that's the thing: if two teens want to screw bad enough, they aren't going to let a bedroom ban stop them. They will fuck in the woods if they have to. They will find a warm ditch to get nasty in. Not because they are subsumed with uncontrollable urges. No. Just because they want to, and have wanted to from time immemoriam. The very fact that this woman's daughter seems to want to be able to see her bf behind closed doors suggests to me that she boffing him elsewhere.

Look, if you want to ensure that your kid remains chaste, a door is not going to cut it, neither is the denial of a single location. You best option, then, is classic parenting - create a climate of fear so random, oppressive and pervasive in your household that it becomes impossible for your child to even contemplate misbehaving without breaking out in a cold sweat and heaving bile backwards up the gullet. Remember, your face is the atom bomb bonerkiller for your teenaged kid.

And remember, if nothing seems to be working, or if you remain worried about your kid, put the shoe on the other foot, and leave your own door open while fucking. I promise you...that will take years to get over. Not all children even fully rebound from that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, my Mom quit her job when I hit puberty so that she could "be there for those important years" or whatever. On the one hand, having her around so much probably quashed many an opportunity for teen lust and babymaking. On the other hand, it did not prevent me from shagging a boyfriend all summer at the tender age of 14. Wait, did I -- uh, I meant to say I had this friend whose Mom quit her job when she hit puberty … Yeah, definitely.