Genital herpes commercials make me want to run out and have unprotected sex. Everyone looks so happy. I cant tell you when the last time I’ve flown a kite, but apparently people with herpes do it all the time.Totally true. Did you ever see that Valtrex commercial? With the motorcycles? No? Well, time for some repurposed content of yore!
The narrative of that commercial was basically this:
Cool As All Get Out Dude is bustin’ out with the Life, yo. Only his man downstairs be bustin’ out with some open sores and painful discharge! It seemed to CAAGO Dude that life was never going to be radically awesome again! What was he gonna do? Well, luckily, these scientists that were totally down whipped up a batch of some r-r-r-r-remedy that was so bringin’ the vim, man, in stokeworthy amounts! And then as the pharmaceutical company narrator was winding through a list of the utterly dope side effects, CAAGO Dude and his Hot And Loving Some Herpes Girlfriend were shown rocking out on motorcycles, pumping their fists, swinging their legs over their bikes in that way that says we are gonna fucking SUCK the GODDAMN nectar out of SOMETHING. And watching CAAGO Dude and his HALSH Girlfriend rock out in the desert on their motorbikes, this commercial sent a clear message directly into my brainpan: Man, getting herpes would be totally cool!
Seriously. I’ve seen all sorts of pharmacological ad work. Man, I know it’s important to give a little uplift to the people who are going without some of our finer pills, powders and serums. That’s why many commercials resemble an acid trip, or show the cuddly critters you’ll no longer be allergic to, or got funny little smiley blobs jumping around meadows zooted up on Zoloft and living for the weekend. There’s that one of all those women lifting up their shirts and showing their tummies, and I don’t get that one really, but I guess it’s good that all these women with their bare tummies, like, have each other to talk to and stuff.
And, look, I seriously believe that we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, have completely got to reserve their right to rocking out. This great land is full of CAAGO Dudes who have every right to be racing through the untamed deserts, salt flats, and L.A. sewage canals on their motorbikes, sending a message of hope to the masses with their wheelies and bright teeth and windswept hair and rakish good looks.
But jeez, the CAAGO Dude in this commercial, and, presumably, his HALSH Girlfriend have freaking VD, man! Maybe they should cool it just a little? I mean, I don’t think I’m getting all prudish when I say that maybe, sometimes, the downside to the rocked out attitude is that it leads to things like sexually transmitted hoo-hah, okay? I’m just saying, maybe CAAGO and HALSH should show a little teeny bit of restraint. That maybe it might be good to stop rocking so hard on those motorcycles and sort of stare into the distance and send the message that maybe it’s also cool to take some precautions.
Look, this is all I’m saying. No need to get all serious and dour about everything. There’s a lot to be excited about in life, and everyone likes a few moments of throwing your back into some extreme-sports level joy. I get depressed thinking of all the people out there living in quiet desperation. Nevertheless, if you are one of those people that went out and got their genitals shot through with VD, maybe you should give quiet desperation a try.