As a special service to all the MOTs holding it down out in DCeiverland this fine Rosh Hashanah, we reproduce - as a PUBLIC SERVICE! - this holiday-themed rendition of Nelly's "Ride Wit' Me," as reimagined by two friends of mine.
A Special Rosh Hashanah Message
If you wanna blow shofar wit me
We be trippin' on the bimah with the tzitzit
Rosh Hashanah, my favorite holiday
HEY! Apples and honey!
[Verse 1]In the shul on a Friday night, feelin' right
Lookin' tryin' to make kiddush real nice
Lookin' for a little yenta I know so that I can take home (I can take home)
She can be 13, bat mitzvahed keepin' kashrut
Or 16, confirmation comin' real soon
But as long as you a jewwy-jewwy-jew, Girl, you know that it's on (know that it's on)
I peep someone comin' towards the Torah
Doing the Hora
Sayin' she was buggin', needed help with her Haftorah
So when Shlomo, can we go, how could I tell her no?
Her aliyah was next month in 5794 (ninety-foh)
I like the white kepah you wear
And I like those tefillin in your hair
I like the way the light hit your Chai and glare
And I can see you boo from way over there
Face the torah, not your back, don't know how to act
Without 10 people for the minyan, she ain't comin'back.
I said you should hear the kid hiss
When I do a bris
When Hashem's the limit and the goyim can't get past this.
Watch me as I daven, to Genesis the books change.
It feel strange now
Makin' a livin off the Torah, 'stead of shame now
I got the schnoz from my momma got the knowledge in my brain now
Damn shit done changed now
Runnin' brises with no shame now
I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no mo)
Shit I'm the mayne now, in and out the shul now
I'm gettin pages outta New Jersey, from Rachel B.
Tellin me about an aufruf up in NYC
And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight
Unless it's Shabbos, then I'm not, and I won't turn on the lights!
Check, check -- yo, I know something you might know
But I got somethin' to tell ya
You won't believe the mishuganahs doubted the flow
Most said that I had no chutzpah
But now the same congregation givin' me the dough
And I'm blowing the t'kiyah
Yo Rabbi can we get tickets next Yom Kippo'?
Oy vay, what is this, nu?
Hey yo, now that I'm a rabbi, and I wear a chai
Cantors wanna know why, why I'm so fly
But yo it's all good, big ark, all wood
Do it like you should, lulavs good, etrogs good
We be them stud Jews
Wishin' you was Jews
Poppin' like we not kneelers,
Sippin' 'Schevitz, bubbe-mackin'
I went to Israel, worked on the Kibbutz,
While yo mama told you "Honey, wipe off that schmutz!"
So if Shorty want some lox, I'll cut her some fish,
And if Shorty want a nosh, I'll give her a Ritz,
And if Shorty wanna shop, I'll take her to Fifth,
Shorty wanna marry goyim, she won't be missed.
Temple talk, Rabbi listen
Rabbi talk, temple listen
When I do my sermon then you best pay attention,
I drink wine, never Cris, open Torah, make a fist,
Yentas lookin' all they wish,
Come on Shlomo, gimme kiss!