Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Annotated Inaugural Advisory

The Congressional Inaugural Committee today released an official advisory that more or less sizes up the coming Inaugurapocalypse and reaches the obvious conclusion: now, more than ever, steps must be taken to dissuade as many people as possible from coming to Washington, DC, lest the city be left a deep crater full of human leavings and 75% off HOPESTRONG bracelets. I hate to interfere with their good works, but attention to detail must be paid. Full text is available here.

In the remaining weeks before the 56th presidential inaugural, the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies (JCCIC) will be issuing a series of advisories to help people who plan to attend the swearing-in ceremony.

All of these advisories can be summarized thusly: PLEASE DO NOT COME TO WASHINGTON.

While the actual swearing-in will take place shortly before noon, the formal program begins at 11:30 AM and the musical prelude and seating will begin much earlier. Security checkpoints will open for ticketed guests at 8:00 AM, and the committee advises arriving no later than 9:00 AM to ensure that you are through the checkpoints by the time the program begins.

Also? You will not in any way be through the security checkpoint by the time the program begins, because the security checkpoint will be a storied clusterfuck. You will be able to experience, firsthand, one of the things Washington, DC officials do very well: project a heroic level of indifference to your concerns.

We also recommend developing back-up plans in case your original plans need to be changed at the last minute.

"Bitch set me up" seems to work.

Street closures throughout Washington, D.C., will make traveling by car or taxi very difficult.

This is really too bad, because it's really a fucking snap every other time.

For some people bicycling may be an option to get close to the U.S. Capitol.

That would be "people with bicycles," I guess.

The Washington Area Bicyclist Association (WABA) is working on a plan with city officials to have bike valet stations available outside the security perimeter near the swearing-in ceremonies and parade route.

This will be a wholly unique way of having your bicycle stolen.

D.C.’s subway system will be running “rush-hour” service all day, but is expecting “crush-level” crowds. Be prepared to wait for space on a train for long periods of time, during which you will have to stand in close proximity to several thousand people.

The return trip on public transportation will be the more arduous portion of your commute, as people's enthusiasm will be diminished, overall body odor will be more significant, and the frotteurs far less frisky.

Many Metro escalators will be closed due to crowding and individuals will need to climb Metro stairs or wait to utilize the small number of elevators at Metro stations.

Won't you buy a commemorative Barack Obama Smartrip card, to support our crumbling infrastructure?

The weather in Washington in January is usually quite cold and often rainy or snowy.

In all honesty, while it will be cold, we're pretty used to snow failing to materialize here. I think the last time there was a sustained period of reliable mid-January snows, the terror alert level was at "What Are You Talking About? I've Never Heard Of This Terror Alert Level System, Weird Spaceman From the Future!"

Other prohibited items include, but are not limited to: Firearms and ammunition (either real or simulated)...

Yes, it's a disappointing end to the rich tradition of Inauguration Day simulated gunplay.

Knives, blades, or sharp objects (of any length)...

Cutting remarks at Rick Warren's expense still allowed and encouraged.

Pockets or hand tools, such as “Leatherman”...

Especially the vaguely homosexual sounding hand tools!


Honestly, only a complete asshole would bring a cooler to the inauguration.

Animals (other than service animals), Alcoholic beverages...

Other than service alcoholic beverages.

1 comment:

Deffo said...