Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Possible Names For Jason Lee's Second Child

Jason Lee famously cursed his firstborn with the name Pilot Inspektor. Assuming he's likely to continue naming his children after the content of songs by Modesto, California band Grandaddy, we imagine that his second child will suffer under one of the following names:

Worship Pneumonia
Michael Barry
Street Bunny
Jed The Humanoid
Jeez Louise
Hand-Crank Transmitter

Naturally, this could be avoided if someone would advise Lee to consider whether he'd be better off starring on a show entitled "My Name Is Pilot Inspektor."

Boobie Fumbles.

I don't have much to add or say about the embarrassing spectacle of Friday Night Lights author Buzz Bissinger crapping his own pants on teevee in an attempt to show up Will Leitch. I've been around long enough to know that anytime somebody goes into a windup for a big hatin' on the blogs rant, you should sit down, grab some popcorn, and prepare yourself to watch a grown man show his ass. I mean, in the first place, if your whole point is to suggest that blogs represent a coarsening of letters, here's a hint: don't be the first guy in the conversation to bust out some obscenities. And you can shove your gatekeeper books and insider shibboleths up your ass. Also, have some self awareness: this asspipe Bissinger has to recognize that the network television extension of his brand has been very well served and supported throughout it's troubled, dicey life by bloggers. Nevermore!

But Bissinger's problem, let's face it, is the exact same problem that everyone has with blogs. In the time before the internet allowed for the permanent, searchable, archiveable "publication" of the thoughts of common people, motherfuckers like the ones who populate the Deadspin comment boards were packed into bars, stadiums, and neighborhood grillouts, having conversations, sharing opinions, you know--living their lives. You think blogs are the critical ingredient in the chicken-egg scenario that led to Sean Salisbury being called a "fetus-faced windbag?" Hell, no. Salisbury's been being called a "fetus-faced windbag" since time immemoriam. The truth ain't nothin' but the truth, Buzz. You just no longer get to live in a world that allows you the illusion that the truth doesn't apply to you. So get down off your high horse - Bissinger, Wilbon, and the like - and welcome to ground level, where we all know that somewhere, out there, there's somebody calling each of us a "fetus-faced windbag."

Anyway, more here, and here, and here. And everywhere. And, like Leafblower said, Friday Night Lights is dead to me. As if you could take a motherfucking word of it seriously after Bissinger showed his ass.

DCeptette: Brown Bunny Killed Yr Local Cinema Version

  1. America officially got a full return on their investment for reading Spencer Ackerman's new ThinkProgress joint with this multi-part series, in which he doesn't just fisk Fred Kagan, he walks up to the man and says, "Hey, Fred. What's this I see laying up in yr mashed potatoes? Oh, yeah: IT'S MY DICK." From here on out, it's just gravy.
  2. The new Skins punter is a fox hunter? Really? (Really!) [Sports Bog]
  3. DCist Val interviews Tereu Tereu. [DCist]
  4. Columbia Heights muggers offer an assault on the senses, which is just what you expect from gentrification. [New Columbia Heights]
  5. What the fuck is up with the old Visions space anyway? [Rock Creek Rambler]

Signs of My Declining Mind

Last night, for the first time ever, my dreams included a moment in which I sent out an update on Twitter. What's worse is that after waking, it was the only part of my dream that I could remember: "@ Zaytinya w/CatAn, interviewing Rhett Miller." Now, I can think of worse things to do - or to dream of - than eating at Zaytinya, and interviewing Rhett Miller with Catherine. But I should not wake up suffused with worry that I actually sleepwalked to my computer and tweeted that. I do not view any of this as a positive development.

A Call To The West Coast

To all our operatives holding it down in the Bay Area, got a question for you. It's been a while since I've followed San Francisco politics. I regret this! You all are very entertaining, what, with your board of supervisors and robot ladydeflowerer mayor and the many hundred of referenda you guys vote on every year, many of which, I am led to believe, counteract the way the previous year's referenda got voted on. But, you see, it's been a long time since you guys had an entertaining dog mauling case capturing the imagination of your city's seven hundred alt-weeklies, so I kind of stopped paying attention and even forgot about some of the local players.

So, I ask you: is Nader running-mate Matt Gonzalez that total douchebag whose self-righteous asshole followers went on a spree of totally alienating every normal San Francisco resident in the last mayoral election, or am I confusing him with somebody else? Would really like to know. KTHXBAI.

We Hold These Truths To Be Not Toward

Marvel is new to this whole movie producing biz, having gone all in after watching the studios rake in profits with their properties over past few summers. The road's been a little bumpy, beginning with the high profile problems that come when you decide to do another Hulk movie, like, three weeks after Ang Lee failed in the attempt, and add furtherance to the fuckup by getting notorious fussbudget douche Ed Norton involved to kill your project like so many Smoochies.

But for sheer cluelessness, nothing beats this - surely a strike against the upcoming Iron Man:

To us the more glaring missing cameo was of our fave Wu-banger Ghostface Killah who had confirmed to MTV back in November of last year that after some campaigning on his part (or at least being publicly vocal about his potential exclusion), that Favreau had cast him in a small cameo alongside Robert Downey Jr., but he was also nowhere to be seen (The reason Ghost would be there at all? The rapper is a huge Iron Man fan, naming his first album Iron Man and adopted the alter ego of Tony Stark as one of his many rap aliases).

Damn, Marvel! How is it possible, circa 2008, for y'all to have an embarrassment of riches that includes a Ghostface cameo and you're not even gonna put it in the damn movie? What movie isn't improved by the inclusion of Ghostface? And there are many that would give their right nut to secure a cameo. This is out of step with America, Marvel. THIS IS NOT TOWARD.

Say what you want about Judd Apatow, but you can bet yr ass that he won't be making this mistake when he releases the Bill Hader/Seth Rogen buddy comedy Supreme Clientele.

This Day In MandyChatting: Post NFL Draft Analysis

Blogs t r e t c h: hahahahha, the Eagles are suing TO

DCeiver: for what?

Blogs t r e t c h: "The suit for nearly $770,000 was filed in U.S. District Court on Monday. Owens lost in arbitration earlier this year, a ruling calling him to repay $1.7 million in bonuses the team paid him when he played in Philadelphia in 2004 and '05."

DCeiver: oooh, snap.

Blogs t r e t c h: not that that kind of money makes much difference to him. but, still

DCeiver: Someone should sue the Eagles for running a pass-wacky offense that can't win championships!

Blogs t r e t c h: hahahahahaha. Or for those damn chunky soup commercials their players take part in

DCeiver: There are, like, two weeks out of each year where Andy Reid watches Westbrook and says, "Woah. I forgot we have one of the best running backs in the league!"

Blogs t r e t c h: YES. not that the redskins can claim to effectively use the talent we have. but, yes.

DCeiver: Then, for the rest on the season, he's all: "Third-and-two? Time for a seventeen yard fly pattern!"

Blogs t r e t c h: well, what do you expect, when the crowd is singing that god damn song over and over? flyyyyyyy eagles flyyyyyyyyyy

DCeiver: True. But, outside of TO, he's had TERRIBLE receivers. TERRIBLE. TURRIBLE, even. Hatracks on casters would have been better. There have been seasons where a velcro-covered walrus could have gotten snaps at WR for Reid.

Blogs t r e t c h: hahaha. where is my bucket? downfield?

DCeiver: "ROLL DOWNFIELD, YOU PUDGY, VELCRO-COVERED MOTHERFUCKER! I HATES THA RUNNING GAME!" That said, Reid is going to look GENIUS next to Jim Zorn's eight-receiver spreads.

Blogs t r e t c h: I am choosing to put my (yglz book title) as far as Zorn is concerned, because... I enjoy having my bubble burst

DCeiver: Jim Zorn'll be like, " high can you throw the ball? Because I want you out in pass patterns too." The referees will be like, "Coach, no. You can't make the entire offense eligible receivers."

Blogs t r e t c h: "We know Varsity Blues was inspiring, but please, just stop."

DCeiver: "But we drafted SEVENTEEN receivers!"

Blogs t r e t c h: hahaha


Blogs t r e t c h: are you preparing a list of zorn puns?

DCeiver: Every single letter in his name can be elongated. NO OTHER NFL COACH CAN SAY THAT.

Blogs t r e t c h: We have ourselves a distinction!

DCeiver: Someone will have to explain to him that our entire third down playbook cannot consist of "FUCK IT HOSS! GONNA CHUCK IT TO LARGENT!"

Blogs t r e t c h: You're scaring me.

DCeiver: That was the Seahawks total offensive plan. My dad used to sit on the couch back then and yell, "Watch! Dumbass is just gonna throw it to Largent again!"

Blogs t r e t c h: at least we have chris cooley's blog to look forward to this season.

DCeiver: true. It will be called, "I'm Open, Coach! SRSLY!"

Don't Write Checks Your Fancy Media Parties Can't Cash

Howard Kurtz invokes Kissing Suzy Kolber's Michael Tunison:

Well, I understand the fun aspect of it. The problem is, an employer or potential employer may not be so understanding. In a related development, as the ombudman wrote yesterday, The Post canned a sportswriter who posted a drunk picture of himself on a blog that carried obscene, sexist and racist comments.

You see, it's that sort of talk that's going to get cameras banned from the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Vote For Your Favorite Public Intellectuals

Over at Foreign Policy's website, you can vote for your favorite Public Intellectuals. Since I opted out of all the "thinkers" whose claim to fame was perpetuating a neo-conservative fantasia, and couldn't bring myself to support trendoid picks like Malcolm Gladwell, choosing was both ridiculously easy, and then perplexingly difficult. Anyway, in the end, I decided to cast my votes for Lawrence Lessig, Samantha Power, Vaclav Havel, Wole Soyinka, and Alex Balk. I had to write-in one of them, but fuck it. My voice is gonna be heard.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Welcome Back, Amanda!

Amanda returns from Costa Rica, where she met a cute friend! Submitted for yr approvals.

By the way, Mattos...WTF in re: Redskins on Draft Day!! Can a motherfucker get a DLer up in here? How many goddamn wide receivers can one team draft? THIS IS NOT TOWARD.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Heads In The Sand: A Review

Well, yesterday while killing time waiting for Harold and Kumar to escape from Guantanamo Bay, I had the chance to duck into a Barnes and Noble and procure Matt's book, Heads in the Sand. It was quite a search, so, you're welcome Matt, and tell your publisher that next time, maybe a cover design that wasn't so similar to Sidney Blumenthal's would be a cool idea.

Anyway, Matt wrote this book, Heads In The Sand. It is about how the Republicans screw up foreign policy and foreign policy screws up the Democrats, and I can't recommend it enough. Mind you, I haven't read it. I was able to grok what it is about because of the cover of the book, which is similar to Sidney Blumenthal's (at least to me) and which I, like Sidney Blumenthal's cover, have read, allowing me to know that the book explains how the Republicans screw up foreign policy and foreign policy screws up the Democrats.

I will read this book, of course. Soon, too. I mean, probably. But I can nevertheless recommend this to you based upon perfectly objective criteria, even without reading it. And with that in mind, why wouldn't you buy it? Allow me to make my case.

1. Owning this book will probably get you laid.

I asked this Matt, straight off, and he all but assured me this is the case. You should buy this book even if you intend to not read it. People will notice you, remark on it, and perhaps, if everything else breaks your way, fuck you. Matt pointed out that Kriston Capps had already been accosted on a city bus by some woman who noticed the book and remarked upon it. Do you think Capps didn't close that deal? Don't be ignorant. Capps is constantly redolent with the verdure of recent feminine arousal. Trust me, he snapped it off. And Heads In The Sand helped, and by "helped," I mean, "at the very least did not hurt."

2. Yglesias has a nice television.

If a book can be judged by the quality of the television bought with its advance, then Heads In The Sand is a must read. If there's one thing I know about Michael O'Hanlon, it this: that motherfucker never had his teevee mentioned by name in the New York Times. But Matt has, and that speaks to the notion that Matt is a special kind of author and that Heads In The Sand is a special kind of book. You see, I have seen said teevee, and would describe it as "big" and "shimmery." Also: "expensive." Heads In The Sand reminds me of a big and shimmery and expensive television.

3. Yglesias' work in other sources and different contexts is really, really good.

Like I said: I have not read Matt's book. But I have read the index of my boss' book* and discovered that Matt is mentioned on pages 198 and 199:

But the purpose of the surge was not more "military success" but political stability. As Matt Yglesias put in the Atlantic, "Its goal was to create an improvement in the security situation in Baghdad which (it was hypothesized) was the necessary precondition for a political resolution to Iraq's fundamental conflicts. The surge was tried, and American casualties went up abd violence stayed at the same level and then violence declined and then U.S. casualties declined and then it turned out that the surge had failed and the political situation was the same as it had been at the beginning."

Pretty good paragraph, huh? And Matt contributed the words to most of it! Now imagine a situation in which such paragraphs continue for six - even eight! - consecutive pages! That is what Heads In The Sand is all about.

So you should definitely get Heads In The Sand. That said, I realize, of course, that while I deftly proved this contention, nothing I wrote can boiled down into a marketable "blurb" that Matty can use to promote his book. So let this be that blurb:
Matt Yglesias' Heads In The Sand is a book I'll almost certainly read before I read Keith Gessen's new one.

In stores now - except the one I went to because I bought the last one - so suck it, slows!

*Similarly, I've only read the index of Right Is Wrong, which I reviewed as, "Organized, numbery...a tour-de-force!"

Abuses of the Lingua Anglica

Lovely Becks uncovers a Modern Love simile that is like something gooey, cheesy, and impaled on a skewer, if only I could put my finger on it.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

White House Correspondents Dinner

This weekend is the White House Correspondents Dinner, and over at FishbowlDC, they have asked their readers to submit tee-shirt designs commemorating the event. And what? Two of them were mine! Go and guess which ones if you like! It shouldn't be too hard! In the first place, you're probably used to a certain level of contempt from me, given the fact that this blog has tags such as "people who inexplicably get paid to write complete fucking nonsense for major newspapers," "ego driven twattery masquerading as journalism," and "that's right I fucking said ASTRONAUT SEX." Yes. That last one is media related (look it up!). But, in the second place, and more importantly, there are only six submissions, so you've got a good chance at figuring them out even if you take a wild guess!

Six submissions! That's all? Well, in recent years, I've gotten this vibe that more and more, the media elite have been trying to tamp down the overt whorishness of the affair, so they're probably downplaying the extent to which they are desperate for attention.

And with that, I've probably given the game away. Oh well.

Friday, April 25, 2008

How To Make A Complete Mockery of Brown University

Well, pen a mawkish apology to Thomas Friedman in the first place, obvs. Then, include this sentence:

Obviously only thinking of themselves, these two students made a complete moquary of the entire student body, and really showed how selfish some people can be.
Kudos, Ivy Leaguer.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Breaking a Promise

I am very close to breaking a vow I made and starting a Tumblelog. However, if I go through with it, its only purpose would be to execute a painfully esoteric, resolutely stupid inside joke*, and I promise you all that it will never come to bother you. That is all. Please return to whatever you happened to be sodomizing.

*You know. Like ALL Tumblrs.

The Audacity of Dopes: Slouching Toward...Wait--Guam? Seriously?

Look, so Pennsylvania failed to end anything tonight (except the Caps season! Fuck you, Flyers!) and so the contest shall wend its merry, hurtful way until probably June, when the apocalypse comes and we'll all drown in a sea of pig shit. In the meantime, we can finally leave Pennsylvania and its bitter, bitter residents behind.

But seriously. Think about it. We can do this. We can totally do this! June is really not that far off! Especially if you are planning to get as blackout drunk as me!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Audacity of Dopes: Yahhh, Gibson, Yahhh!

Effing brill!

Postal vs. The Taking of the Orange Line

Well, I'm almost scared to find out the truth, but, I have just finished watching the opening scene of Uwe Boll's Postal, and couldn't help but notice some similarities between it and a scene from a long-ago posting here. I don't have the benefit of offering you my work in a YouTube (though I hope that one day, Grady Weatherford will find the time to make that dream a reality), but I hope that you will agree that I can, at least, craft a funnier scene about terrorists discussing the afterlife than Boll. Judge for yourself, and, if possible, let me down easy.

From The Taking Of The Orange Line:

LS: So, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

BG: What about?

LS: The afterlife, paradise. You know, sort of planning my day tomorrow.

BG: Yeah?

LS: Yeah.

BG: Well...okay.

LS: Yeah.

BG: (sighing) What's on your mind, Leelee?

LS: Well, I was just wondering if it's true--about, you know...what they say...about the virgins?

BG: Yeah, they always talk about the virgins.

LS: I feel like, you know, it sounds too good to be true, you know? Like, maybe you get gypped and get only sixty-five instead of seventy-two, and you're there--you know, first day in heaven--and you're supposed to be happy. You don't want to complain. You don't want to seem--

BG: Ungrateful.

LS: Right. Ungrateful. Because sixty-five virgins. I mean, that's sixty-five more than I have right now, right? They just hammer home that seventy-two. It's a selling point.

BG: I don't know how they arrived at that number.

LS: F'real. Anyway. You worry about getting shorted. And you worry how many of these virgins are like, you know, really good looking from behind, but then you get 'em turned around, and it's like, Qaddafi-city, you know?

BG: Gaaaa. Don't even put that image in my head, dude.

LS: That's what I'm saying! I don't wanna have to cross the line of death just to get some tail, right?

BG: Now I got that craggy fuck's face in my head.

LS: It's like fucking Edward bin Olmos!

BG: Nice. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Me? Personally? I hope that they aren't virgins.

LS: Seriously?

BG: Yeah! Think about it. I have a half a ton of explosives strapped to me. My life is about to culminate in the biggest way possible. I'm about to put my foot down in this
bitch, you know? So why would I want to fuck a bunch of virgins?

LS: They're a better lay?

BG: That's what everyone thinks, but follow me here. I'm going to blow my ass into a million pieces. Shit. I don't have to apologize for shit. I'm the cock of the walk. Why do I want to bed down with some giggly ass virgin. Fuck that. You ever fucked a virgin? Fucking awkward. They don't know where anything goes. They don't know how to move? How to get it flowing. You get little twitty questions, fumbling, apologies. That sound like paradise to you? I'm not going to heaven to walk some dead virgin through the paces. I'm thinking: don't I deserve some bitches with experience? Someone who can read me by looking at me, who's feeling me, who knows better to stand there and gawk? When I get to heaven, I"m telling you: I'm on the lookout for some superfly TNT poontang.

LS: That's an interesting point. But aren't virgins supposed to be, you know, funner?

BG: It's "more fun." And: who says that? Why should that be?

LS: Because, they' know...they're...

BG: Tighter? Who cares? I want some wildlife. I want the pussy safari. Not the pussy PetSmart.

LS: There's the lot. Pull in.

BG: ...I'm not saying I wanna have to strap a toboggan to my back...

LS: The lot! Pull in!

BG: What? Shit. I'm not paying to park today. Fuck that. Let's find a neighborhood and dump the car.

LS: It'll get towed.

BG: Yeah. Call it a value-added inconvenience.
And now, from Postal:

Annals Of Totally Meta Legal Writing

From this:

"Further, Mr. Bellinghaus' recent publication of the above-referenced defamatory post on constitutes defamation per se and subject its authors and related internet content providers..."

Well, of course a "defamatory post" on "constitutes defamation!" But I think that this also legally constitutes a "reasonable expectation of defamation." Paging Shayna!

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

We declare best. Or, as Amanda says, "The tits!" And that's saying a lot, because in the movie, her peoples (blondes) get a little persecuted! But yeah, me and the rest of the internet had a great time at the movies tonight. In other news from the Apatowverse: Good golly but I was not prepared for how crazy fucked-up Pineapple Express looked in previews! That shit looks straight irrational! I mean that in the best possible way. And, as far as Jason Segel and Nick Stoller, the minds behind Forgetting Sarah Marshall, go: as hinted at in Entertainment Weekly, their next project is going to be reviving the Muppets franchise.

Also: I hate to be a hater (no I don't), but if you want a clear sign that Cameron Diaz/Ashton Kutcher flick What Happens In Vegas is going to be a suck-fest beyond measure, consider this: the trailer begins with a scene in which Diaz's character explains how a surprise party works. "When he comes in the door, yell "Surprise." Gives you an idea of the sort of audience they hope to capture.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

So When It Get Hot In This Kitchen...

From the Baltimore Sun:

"He cooperated by consenting to a blood test, the results of which will not be available for approximately two weeks," said [Carmelo] Anthony's attorney, Dan Recht. "He regrets putting himself in this situation."

Da-yum. You think 'Melo's blood might snitch on him? Because that would be some low-down, bitch-ass hemoglobin right there.

A Year Ago Today.

A year ago today I wrote an article for DCist that's garnered me a fair amount of praise since from people who have stumbled upon it from time to time. Whenever that happens, I say the same thing: if there was ever something I wish I hadn't had to write, this was it.

That's When I Reach For My Revolver

I'll tell you, Little Miss Haircut is lucky I couldn't find my copy of Bushworld today (maybe I wiped my ass with it and forgot), because there's enough material in the introduction alone to make it clear: Maureen Dowd needs to never, ever, ever, ever, ever lecture another living soul about "elitism" for as long as she walks the face of this earth.

Okay, for what it's worth, from this:

Is it that Dowd, herself is offended by the extravagant display of affluence? You sure wouldn't take that away from her introduction to Bushworld--trailing Poppy Bush from the golf course to boating at Kennebunkport, she sure seems right at home. Who picked up the check at that New Year's Eve dinner with Brent Scowcroft, Maureen? Surely it wasn't at the Blimpie on Queens Boulevard?

Your ass is showing, Haircut.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Audacity Of Dopes: Tweet of the Night

"Stephanopolous 'turning to the economy.' Now expecting him to ask, given [questions] so far, HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE IT? Will you wear an ECONOMY PIN?"

The Audacity of Dopes: Worst. Debate. Ever.

Ever ever.

Elevator Love Letter

There's something quite artful and lovely about this video, which unfortunately came about at the expense of a man who went on a smoke break, only to end up trapped in an elevator for nearly two days. [Via Gawker]

The Audacity Of Dopes: Bitters and Absolute

Previous electoral losses left Democrats wondering why it was that wide swaths of the electorate seemed to vote against their economic interests and favor Republican candidates whose policies kept them poor and desperate. So people like George Lakoff and Thomas Frank took up the matter, identified solutions and suggested strategies that, by all appearances seem to have been taken to heart by the Democratic party for some time now. Obama's now famous "bitter" comment was an inartful way of explaining the matter, but, nevertheless, anyone familiar with the strategic shifts in the Democratic party is going to recognize what he was trying to say as being perfectly in keeping with the current strategic philosophies of the party.

What's more, they're likely to agree. Bill Clinton once said, "When their economic policies fail, when the country's coming apart rather than coming together, what do they do? They find the most economically insecure white men and scare the living daylights out of them." That's what's so annoying about Hillary Clinton's attempt to run game on these remarks - there are races all over the map where Democrats face this challenge, and are instructing their people to approach the matter in a similar way, and now she's gone and poisoned the well, making the task of running races that much harder. Besides, it's an absolute certainty that Obama's comment reflect a foundational precept of her own primary strategy. Her beefing is absurd: it's like Obama said, "I'm for ending the Iraq War," and Clinton countering, "I'm five ending the Iraq War!! I'm six ending the Iraq War!!"

Ultimately, this is a primary problem for Obama, but less so a general election obstacle. Conventional wisdom says that Obama's remarks give McCain the opportunity to paint Obama as a "liberal elite." That's totally true, but McCain and the GOP were going to do that anyway! In fact, if there is, as they say, a "pony" in this for Obama, it's that his own remarks have shaped that attack in advance, so McCain's choices will be to manufacture a newer, lamer means of crafting the "liberal elite" smear, or fight the matter out on Obama's home court. And insecure white Presidential candidates can't jump.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Someone Give Ratzi A Map To Boston.

Pope Benedict XVI vowed Tuesday to heal the open wounds disfiguring the US Roman Catholic church following decades of abuse by pedophile priests, saying he felt "deeply ashamed" over the child sex scandal.

The Audacity Of Dopes: Compassion Forum

I wrote a bit today on CNN's "Compassion Forum" from last night. It was a stupid sounding name for a candidate/campaign event - though maybe CNN will balance this with a "Misanthropy Forum" at a later date - but I thought the quality of the questions were extraordinary. At least the questions asked by the various religious leaders that were present as guests. The questions asked by the two media professionals, Campbell Brown and John Meacham were unbelievably inane. Listening to their grasp of religious issues and how everything gets reduced to tiny nugget of stupidity, it makes you wonder where the media finds the gall to lead a conversation about what candidate is out of touch with America. Brown and Meacham come across as developmentally disabled Martians. You can compare and contrast for yourself. It's not the debates that have gotten small, it's the minds of those who host them.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Twenty/Twenty Vision

This week's A/V club has a nice conversation starter: "Too Much Too Soon: 20 respectable rock and rap acts that peaked with debut albums." I respect most of the choices. Obviously, I'm of the minority opinion that Room On Fire, while marred by less-than-ideal production, was the superior Strokes album. Also: a much stronger case can be made in re: Wu-Tang Clan than with Biggie. I worked at the record store for the releases of Wu-Tang Forever and Life After Death and we played the hell out of the latter.

If it were up to me, I might suggest the following as more compelling candidates: Air, Stone Roses, The Farm, Liz Phair, Interpol. Oh! And the solo career of Belinda Carlisle, obvs! Not many! Above all, this list makes me think of The La's. They don't make this list, obviously, because they never followed up on their debut (or haven't yet, the Wikipedia intimates that the band may be competing with Chinese Democracy in the category of long-awaited record whose release may finally be in sight) with material that was comparatively inferior - just the taut, nearly flawless pop debut and bang, gone. I can't think of another band with just a single release I'd insist be put in the Pantheon, but The La's are definitely one.

Family Dinner

"So, I was reading about how gang members are showing up as members of our armed forces in Iraq."

"Like MS-13. Yeah. I recently read something along those lines."

"Scary. Over there, they can learn how to make IUDs."

"Wait. IUDs?"


"Intrauterine devices?"

"Sorry. I meant IEDs. Improvised explosive devices."

"I was gonna say."

"Though MS-13 making intrauterine devices is just as scary."

"Or improvised uterine devices."

"That's what I call my junk."


"Oh. Nice."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Drive In, Drive Out

I have to respectfully disagree with Tom Bridge here: while it is never, ever okay to cut in line at the drive thru, of course walk-ups are welcome. In the first place, green is universal: and as long as you are carrying some green for the Taco Bell or whatnot, and can stand being under the withering gaze of Mr. Fancy Pants Corolla Driver, well...get you some Meximelt, then, son! Non-car drivers, public transpo enthusiasts, deserve late night take out, too, people? And what about the blind? And amputees? What about people who hate cars but LOVE the pneumatic tubes that banks use in their drive thrus? And in Venice? Sorry, gondola users, but motherfucking swimmers should be able to get take out also.

But you Segway users? Yeah. You all can get bent.

Exit Music (For A Muxtape)

Like most of you, I took the time out to explore the whole Muxtape phenomenon, and like most of you, I haven't actually listened to anyone's Muxtape. And, really, chances are, I have no plans to. I'm still sort of trying to figure out the whole context of me listening to one. Maybe someone will explain? Anyway, I set up one of my own, not because I expect you to listen to it (I don't), but because it's a domain name issue. May as well have the address that God and Muxtape intended me to have. So, if you want to hear "Lonely Security Guard" by Hayden...and ONLY "Lonely Security Guard" by Hayden, head to

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Matt's reaction to the Post's editorial makes a lot of sense to me, but it's almost a relief, given that the Wall Street Journal wrote what my editor allowed my to rightly term the "most clueless graf ever."

As General David Petraeus briefs Congress this week on Iraq, it's clear his surge has achieved remarkable results. The most crucial is that the U.S. can no longer be defeated militarily in Iraq, which could not be said a year ago. The question now is whether Washington will squander these gains by withdrawing so quickly that we could still lose politically.

I have more here on this brain-meltingly dumb editorial. It's pretty clear that the next time Petraeus comes to the Hill, if in fact he does, he'll traffic in the same set of obfuscations and these editorial boards will enjoy the whole intellectual exercise of spinning gold out of pure illogic and non-thought. The only question that will remain is how many Friedman units can they get through before they have to backtrack and pretend they were saying the opposite all along. By the looks of things, the Journal is in for the long haul.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Next Big Things

Tomorrow night, in historic Ballston (yes, Ballston!) join the good people of The Comedy Spot for Jellocha Lucha Libre. Presided over by the always outnumbered but never outgunned Rabbi Michelle Weiss, eight women will do battle, in Jello, for the charity of their choice. DJ PVo shall provide the musical entertainments. The Rock Bottom Brewery will provide the sponsorship. It's for a good cause, y'all! Tickets $20 in advance/$25 @door. 8pm-11pm, Ballston Common Mall, 4238 Wilson Blvd. Take Orange to Ballston Station. For details on what charities could go home big winners, click here.

Also, coming April 24th, DCist presents Unbuckled 7, featuring the eclectic sounds of Muhsinah, hip-hop collective Motel, and featuring DJ v:shal kanwar, who regularly entertains at Science Club and Bohemian Caverns. At DC9, 1940 9th Street NW, 9pm. Tickets are $8. Take Green/Yellow to U Street Station.

MUHSINAH Website MySpace Video: "Construction"

MOTEL Website MySpace d/l: "Best Intentions"

DJ V:SHAL KANWAR Website MySpace

Pretty Brilliant

From Nikolay Saveliev, these are great:

"Vinyl record sleeves with 2-sided insert featuring faux-academic material on pop music and the state of therecord industry, seeded with promotional material forindie radio stations."

Others here. I personally enjoy Kelis Rogers' Magnetism Against the Lactic Euphemism and Franz Ferdinand's Importance and Efficiency and Specialization, Tonight.

This Will Meth You Up.

[Via Balk/Copyranter:]

Forget the poor, waifish meth-head giving it up for fifteen bucks. Isn't it equally disturbing to see the guy from the Brawny packaging mixed up in this sordid affair? I might have figured that creepy bald fuck Mr. Clean as a connoisseur of meth-whores, but I always figured there was something wholesome...Canadian the Brawny guy.


QUESTION: What's a body to do when you discover that a blogger you've long thought was just the tits posts a brief item that seems to say that something you posted was the tits, but when you check to see what item it was they thought was the tits it turns out it's something that you didn't really think was so much the tits?

ANSWER: Write up a quick item using the word "tits" four or five times, and hope for a Google Trend.

RELATED: Lindsay Robertson and Gabe Delahaye have launched Videogum, and it's great fun for yr face. So go.

Capps on Weingarten

All art is quite useless.
--Oscar Wilde

Once again, the Supreme Turkmen is right, giving voice to some of the same misgivings I felt when I learned that "Pearls Before Breakfast" won a Pulitzer.

Weingarten set this up like an experiment—how much will you pay to hear a world-famous classical musician if you aren't told he's a world-famous classical musician?

But the experiment trades on a second variable, too, though Weingarten doesn't recognize it: How much would you pay, etc. etc., during your rush-hour commute as opposed to during your after-dinner hour in which you enjoy leisurely pursuits?

Why, nothing at all, because you're on your way to work, and you like to think about the coming day or you like to read the news, because you don't like art before you've had coffee, because you're running late, because you hate it when people are standing around obstructing your perfect route to the metro, because you don't like sounds in the morning...

All very true. The piece is basically a high-falutin' version of "Jaywalking," that cheap laff comedy bit that Leno does on his show where he wanders around the streets looking for people who don't know that George Washington was the first POTUS. Here's a critical similarity: the "joke," of course, depends on the audience knowing the answers to the questions that the rubes in the street don't know. To appreciate the Weingarten piece, you need to be aware of the fact that ideally, people should be able to recognize the violinist's talent. So the whole thing doesn't really prove that Washingtonians are coarse. Where Kriston says that Weingarten is after a thesis of "How much would you pay," he really means that the thesis is "how much did they pay." The article is simply a valentine for the audience, who are allowed to feel smart and superior. When you think about it, the success of the article only demonstrates that the experiment backfired.

This is why i categorically reject Nikolas Schiller's comment about how Weingarten's piece says something about "art appreciation." It takes plenty of "art appreciation" to even grok Weingarten's premise. It also takes the appropriate time and space to read and absorb Weingarten's piece. If the violinist were afforded the same luxury Weingarten claims for himself, more people would have been able to appreciate the "art."

And that's the big flaw that Kriston identifies with the piece: the author more or less gamed the outcome to fit his premise. That's the long and the short of it. I hate to get quantum on y'all, but when you remove a violin virtuoso from a concert hall and stick him in a Metro station, the nature and the value of the art changes. Weingarten (and Schiller) seem to think that absolute talent should impress absolutely. But if The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay falls on my head from a very great height, it's just going to hurt. And if the cast of August: Osage County slip into my bedroom tonight at 4am and commence a performance of their play, I promise you, I am going to wake up and tell the immensely talented cast to get the fuck out of my apartment before I punch them all in the throat.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Grumpy! But True!

My theatrical colleague over at Secure Yr Rights meets an annoying actor:

Primarily a screen actor, he proceeds to waste 20 minutes of my time with a long, convoluted, and ultimately stupid movie pitch. Something about a extra on a movie set who is also a ninja. Then asked me who I knew for almost 2 hours straight.

Eek. I was going to pitch you my own idea for a movie: basically, ninjas meets Kings Dominion. Of course, by "ninjas," I mean as many hopped up skels as you can stuff into ninja costumes, and by Kings Dominion, I mean basically that you run around Kings Dominion filming their foolishness for as long as you can until the authorities toss you. It came to me in a dream! The same dream I always have.

Anyway, jeez. Last summer you hated writers. Now you hate actors. Go ahead! Cast your lot with the lighting designers! They'll eventually turn their back on you, too. You'll see.

PS: I agree with your penultimate graf. I'd rather be cast out of confidence than friendship because when you are, it bolsters both your confidence AND your friendship.

More Iraq Fun Facts! With David Petraeus

So, today, legendary military genius David Petraeus was showing off this bar graph that documented how many caches of explosives had been found in the last few years of the Iraq Quagmire. In general, there's an upward trend. And I don't remember the exact figures for each year, but it was something like: 2,300 in 2006, 6,000 something in 2007, and 2,600 so far in 2008. Petraeus said, "As you can see, this year alone, we've found more caches of explosives than we did in the entirety of 2006."

Good news, right? I suppose it could be. I have to confess, though, the thought that ran through my head looking at the chart was more like, "Holy shit! How many goddamned caches of explosives do they have in that country? How do they find room for anything else?" Because another way of looking at the numbers is that, over time, the need to store explosives in caches has intensified. Almost as if warring sects are biding their time and stockpiling resources for a civil war, maybs?

Anyway...if the trend reverses, Petraeus will probably come back with another graph and say, "We're finding fewer and fewer caches of explosives. Good news! Plus we taught a monkey to dance!"


All day long, I watched Democrats (plus the odd Hagel, I suppose) try to pin Petraeus and Crocker down on some variation on the "conditions" question. What would have to be happening in Iraq to convince you to change strategies? What would have to be happening in Iraq to get our troops out? Their response was always some variation on, "I don't know and I don't want to answer hypotheticals."

But there's one hypothetical question that Petraeus and the Crock were willing to answer all day long. What will happen if we withdraw from Iraq? With certainty, their answer was defeat, despair, and destruction. But these two, by their own admission, don't have the slightest idea what the consequences of our staying should be, so they shouldn't be able to get away with pretending to know what will happen if we leave. Someone should call them out on it.

Iraq Fun Facts! With David Petraeus

Here's something I didn't know until David Petraeus told me today! Apparently, in Iraq, the law allows everyone to keep one AK-47 in their homes. Is it weird of me to find that jarring? It's no wonder these insurgents are so hardened. All their lives, they've been armed as well as Eazy-E without a gangsta rap tradition to allow for venting. Oh well! Scenes from your quagmire, America!

By request from a commenter.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

The Audacity Of Dopes: How To Dismantle An Atom Bomb

So the Democratic primary just goes on and on and on and on and on, with the same old issues leading to the same old questions asked by the same old reporters to different people on different days. "Do you think the long process benefits McCain? Well do you? Do you? Do you?" And hell, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but you know what would feel REAL GOOD ABOUT NOW? The end. The effing end. Because then we could at least move to the next question, "Do you think that long process benefitted McCain?" I am ready to face that question! But as we keep learning, no one is dropping out of the race and no one can render a decision and no one can force this thing to end.

Or can they? I read this and realized, OMG. There is one entity who can act, in short order, to end the Democratic race swiftly and decisively and fairly. The people of Pennsylvania! Yes. A lot of people see the gap in the polls narrowing between Obama and Clinton and are like: "Whaddayaknow? The bowling stuff works!" But maybe, just maybe, Pennsylvania is filled with Democrats who are slowly realizing that the only way to stop McCain from benefitting from the long primary process is to put a stop to the process. So they are switching to Obama in the hopes that it will end the primary contest.

And you must believe! It will. Mainly because the Clinton argument is: we win big states (big states being the plausibly sizable states we've won), important states, states that prove we're electable. It's a bad argument in one sense: it's totally illogical. But it's a good argument in another sense: it happens to be what is occurring. They managed to get everyone to forget that they invested that sort of rationale in Texas after she ended up losing Texas, but they've talked now, for weeks about how Pennsylvania fits their model, that if she fails to win Pennsylvania, their whole argument goes right out the window. She would have to leave to race. She would just have to. I mean, she might not! But she would have to.

And what's more: this is probably the last time voters can decisively act in such a way that they end the Democratic primary. If they do not stop it now, we're going to run the full calendar and beyond. Pennsylvania is the last chance to bring this in on time. So why are we talking about Obama bowling? Shit! I SHOULD BE UP THERE BOWLING. I SHOULD BE UP THERE CAMPAIGNING.

Bring Back The Tree House

I have to say, I had no idea that being allowed the choice of an Alderman Road dormitory or a McCormick Road dormitory as incoming first years had gotten to the point where students were segregating themselves. As the Hook says:

UVA has stepped in to ban the self-segregation that inaugurates college careers by randomizing the dormitories of incoming students, who have long been given the choice of McCormick Road (old dorms) and Alderman Road (new dorms). The former were typically chosen by white fraternity/sorority-track students while the latter were often the choice of African Americans, international students, and others preferring a more modern suite arrangement.

Wow. A lot has changed. Back when I lived in the first-year dormitories, there wasn't this sort of separation. People chose the McCormick Road dorms because they wanted to have a classic, dorm-style experience. And people chose the Alderman Road dorms because they didn't want to live in a fucking dump for a year.

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

Frank attempts to explain that a wormhole has caused an unstable Tangent Universe has broken off from the Primary Universe, and that, as the Living Receiver, it is up to President Bush, with the help of the Manipulated Dead to close the Tangent Universe, thus preventing its collapse, and, by extension, the end of the world. Naturally, this is well beyond President Bush's grasp, and, twenty-eight days later, the entire universe blinks out of existence. But not before Bush manages to waste all our goddamned money. Later, Justin Timberlake would lip sync to "All The Things I've Done," but that's a different story that even fewer people understood.

The Audacity Of Dopes: Mark Penn Is Gone

Mark Penn wrote some book on "microtrends," then joined the Clinton campaign because apparently they think he's a genius. Then Mark Penn said that Obama's dumb message of hope and change only resonated with impressionable elites, and he should know, because he sold his book full of dumb messages to them as well. No one noticed that Penn was dumb or his ideas were dumb or that Bill Clinton himself won the presidency on a message of hope and change or that Penn was slowly turning Hillary Clinton into a cyborg made of copper wires, tears, and fraud. Later, however, the other people in the Clinton camp started to realize how much they hated Penn, so they started talking shit about him and they hired unpleasant Sarcasto-Ghoul Harold Ickes to be his personal tormentor. Finally Penn realized that he loved the nation of Colombia more than his job as advisor to the president, so he told the nation of Colombia some stuff that was at odds with the stuff he was telling Clinton. But then everyone started yelling at him and everyone decided to fire him. So now Penn has no friends and a giant hole in the front yard of his Georgetown home that he can fill with pretend money.

Meanwhile, all of Clinton's other advisors would soldier on in her doomed campaign, getting paid huge sums of money until weeks later when they all fired each other for incompetence.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Guns For Everyone!

At long last, available from the cold, dead hand of Charlton Heston.

Here's a Scary Thought

The United States does not negotiate with terrorists. This is as it should be, and there are plenty of reasons for that. But now I wonder: what if the terrorists called us up one day, and said, "Look. Just give us the Duke Blue Devils, and we're even."

Friday, April 04, 2008

(I Could Be Wrong But I Am Willing To Believe That) This Is The Best Shit Ever

From CVillain:

  • Fry up three strips of bacon
  • Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
  • Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
  • Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
  • At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
  • Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.
Makes one pint.

All right now: who's with me?

In Case You Missed It

I had a day on on my day know, like Dr. King would have wanted, which I spent filling in for Sommer as a guest blogger at DCist. Here's what I done did:

Morning Roundup

Thieves Plunder Area Food Bank

No Taxonomy Without Representation (recommended!)

WashTimes EIC Announces Coming Changes

For Area Blogger, Brunch At Kramerbooks Becomes Distressing Sartrian Ordeal (Thanks to Kriston for literary consultation!)

Does D.C. Have a Novel Deficiency? (Think piece!)

Go Home Already!

Also, please see Amanda's interview with Olivia Mancini and Randy Scope. Olivia Mancini and the Housemates get their freak on tomorrow at the Black Cat with Georgie James.

Oh, Frabjous Day

Lookee, look! Many-funnied prettyhead Casie Platt has a blog! The Southern Bellicose. She is a few degrees more Southern than I. Is she as bellicose? Time will tell, and I tell you: Miss Platt has potential. Dirty, dirty potential. And I intend to encourage it. You have all been warned.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Fickle Finger of Search Engine Optimization

AMC, via tweet:

My squib on McCain's reax to his Heidi Montag endorsement will be the most
widely read thing I'll ever write.

On the bright side, I hear you get to take your site visit stats to heaven, now.

This Day In Mandychatting: Honest, to Blog.

DCEIVER: well, I have drawn a line. I shall not Tumblelog.

BLOGS T R E T C H: yeah, i must say, i'm not fond of tumblr. it's hard to read! and, why can't you just... put that shit on your BLOG

DCEIVER: the appeal is lost on me. But the greatest blogger in the history of blogging, Alex Balk, now Tumbls, and that gives it mad credibility.

BLOGS T R E T C H: yeah, his tumblr is great. because he actually WRITES stuff on it! most i've seen are a dumping ground for twitter, del.i.cious and flickr

DCEIVER: exactly. funnily enough, it seems that Tumblr inspires the average blogger to start many different blogs of limited appeal.

BLOGS T R E T C H: hahahaha oh my god i couldn't agree more and oddly, sort of the opposite of what tumblr was intended for

DCEIVER: And that way lies MADNESS. I know all too well. I created what must have been the most short-lived, but well-publicized blog in the history of the universe. There was a time where everyone thought that David Lee Roth was seriously training to be a new york city EMT, so I started THE NIGHT THAT DAVID LEE ROTH SAVED MY LIFE on the back of this news. It was picked up quickly by Gothamist and all these places...on, like, the same day. It may have been my one-day site visit record.

BLOGS T R E T C H: bwaahahahahhaah

DCEIVER: Of course, the problem was, there really wasn't a whole lot of DLR Rescue 9-11, there wasn't anything to write about. And then he stopped training as an EMT altogether.

BLOGS T R E T C H: that's a true shame

DCEIVER: I sort of imagined that there would be all these great stories to share. didn't happen.

BLOGS T R E T C H: it was good foresight. if it had come to fruition, you'd have been riding a big old wave.

DCEIVER: yes. it was like lightning in a bottle. really bad lightning in a very tiny bottle.

BLOGS T R E T C H: i mean, what if the lolcat people hadn't put up their first icanhazcheezburger?

DCEIVER: very true!

BLOGS T R E T C H: how the hell would any of us communicate anymore without the advent of kthxbai?

DCEIVER: I know! It makes you realize...this work we do as bloggers is furtive and fumbling. Mostly casting about in the dark, chasing down different ideas, hoping that the next bit of whimsy sparks something massive. Few of us ever get to taste it, but in the end, one thing we can all take pride in is the fact that we are laying the foundations for most of Diablo Cody's future screenplays.

BLOGS T R E T C H: That may be the most relevant observation about the internet to come yet out of the year 2008.

DCEIVER: The year is young.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Oy, Milloy

Rusty bravely gawks agape at the Great Works of Washington Post columnist Courtland Milloy, who typically passes through readers' consciousnesses and the Metro page like water through a sieve, save for those occasions where he goes tilt-a-whirl with uninformed lunacy, as he does in today's return to his wild-eyed HPV vaccine conspiracy theories, hatched just over a year ago when Milloy freaked the fuck out and started running around shrieking "Tuskegee! Tuskegee!"

He is one for bizarre equivalencies, which is why I hope Rusty finds some time to enjoy this gem, in which Mike Vick-style dogfighting is shown to be exactly the same thing as the meat industry, because, after all, Vick was just a guy who, in the course of serving a perfectly mainstream public demand for, uhm...dead dogs I guess?...devised a means of production that sacrificed the humane treatment of animals in the name of expediency. Also, lots of people loved Barbaro, and he died, and now we're sad, bad people. Also, the Judge in Vick's case also once presided over terrorism cases, so does that make Vick a terrorist in the eyes of the law or does it just mean that judges have diverse case loads. Who knows? TUSKEGEE!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Next Big Thing: Leafblowers, Robbers, Veins, and the Rock and Roll Hotel

Kyle Leafblower has been a most excellent friend to this here blog, so when he asked me to pimp his most excellent rock show, I said, "Oh, golly, sure!" with great earnestness. He's put together a fine bill, with the excellent Robbers on High Street headlining with local faves The City Veins. It all goes down this Thursday night at 8pm and the Rock and Roll Hotel. Ride the X2 bus to certain glory!

Social Networking

This, the 1600th post ever on this blog, is as good a forum as any to suggest that all of you who regularly use Facebook might enjoy becoming a fan of the DCeiver there. It's just like being a fan of the DCeiver without Facebook, only its more complicated and it includes the promise of "social networking" that will likely go unrequited. Still, it's something to do in your copious fucking spare time.

Summary of the Summary Judgement

And yeah, ha ha, here's an even briefer summary, for dipshits.


Amanda Mattos: Wow!

DCeiver: Even if the outside world is hard, if we can do better, shouldn't we?

Ha ha!

See, Barack Obama!

Clear your calendars, with lethal force if necessary.

Clinton was drawing dead on March 1, and she's drawing dead on March 12.

This basically means that if the Post wanted to fund the media buy for the Post Points program using Post Points, they'd have to commit themselves to reading every single paper they publish from here on to infinity times ten.

Expand to 128 teams! Play twenty-five minute games! Hey! Milwaukee plays Chicago tonight at 8:30pm.


Summary Judgement: March 2008

Here at DCeiver, we say a lot of things during the course of a month that even we can't recall once the Adderall has worn off. So, as a service to you, and us - mostly us - we've taken to presenting brief summaries of the entire past month's content of this blog. Enjoy.


Hope I've "packaged" this piece with sufficient clarity, asshole.

Basically we had four contests tonight, with latte sipping Vermonters breaking for Hope and Ohio and Rhode Islanders opting for Hopeless and Texas probably called for Clinton but yielding more delegates to Obama because that's what Texans do: MAKE SENSE ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME.

Amanda Mattos: have you seen the post's chat with charlotte "queen of all things stupid" allen?

DCeiver: NO! "Women aren't a historically oppressed minority." ?!

Amanda Mattos: Wow! Wow.

DCeiver: Even if the outside world is hard, if we can do better, shouldn't we?

Amanda Mattos: PREACH ON

Ha ha! Hey, country singers!

If you're from Pennsylvania, leave some money after the beep."

Paul Krugman reports that poll numbers from Rasmussen reflect declining marks for Obama's "electability." OH WELL, PAUL!

So if you want to hear the Sensible Case For The Rosslynization of DC - here's Ryan and here's Matt.

See, Barack Obama! Anyway, we hope you learned your lesson! If you are going to call the Clintons names, it's better that you use a name that they've historically never registered any offense or concern at hearing.

Look, if whore-loving monger of whores Eliot Spitzer can be credited with performing a great service to the nation, it is this: that dude who opened up a can of terrorist whoop-ass on a single pane of glass in Times Square is gone from the news cycle. You broke a fucking window. We might be deep down the Times Square IED rabbithole by now! Is Oliver North kidding? What a waste of time that would be! Door Frame. Our National Sense of Perspective.

So, Geraldine Ferraro is convinced that Barack Obama is "lucky" to be black. Anyway, luck's a funny thing. Lately, I've been musing on Obama's luck myself. Why, if Ross Perot hadn't come along to run for president, you'd be hard pressed today to find five people in your life who even knew what a Hillary Clinton was.

280 shows are connected to Homicide: Life on the Street and St. Elsewhere, for a grand total of 282 series. The shows span from 1951 (I Love Lucy) to the present (23 shows are still on the air).

Clear your calendars, with lethal force if necessary.

Working from Chris Cillizza's numbers, Obama came into tonight with a lead of 1579-1473, and those numbers include pledged delegates and committed superdelegates. On March 1, everyone thought Clinton was going to lose this race for the nomination. Clinton was drawing dead on March 1, and she's drawing dead on March 12. Even the 12 point win Clinton's probably looking at in Pennsylvania can't genuinely turn this around for her.

Soon you got a lot of overpriced inventory in the marketplace - three whore-diamond whores charging six whore-diamond whore prices on the basis of frippery like granite countertops and GFE. Will you answer the call?

Watch the attached clip, and count the number of times that the Clinton team warns of the difficult process and the intrinsic unfairness of the caucus process.

Awesome. The woman who set up Spitzer's Emperor's Club sessions with hot mess MySpace whores, Tameka Lewis, went to UVA! Naturally, Lewis' family is stunned.

Maybe even two, because Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama hate our fucking guts so much.

Via Balk: "Eliot Spitzer’s dad...'reduced him to tears during a game of Monopoly' when he was a little boy." Interesting. Take the Oranges, win the game.

Daily Intelligencer reports on how Spitzer's trollop is faring: If you want to give her tracks a listen, head over to her Amie Street profile. I guess.

Former DCist editor/all around higher education gadfly Rob Goodspeed took up the matter of finding out some universal truths about the Washington Post's "Post Points" - WaPo's earnest "earn rewards as you go" program whose commercials you see on the teevee all the time, and, surprise! If I purchased copies of the Post from newsstands for the $10 gift card, it would cost me $338.50 in newspapers. At 6,325 points, it would take 3.47 years of reading one publication daily to earn enough points for it. This basically means that if the Post wanted to fund the media buy for the Post Points program using Post Points, they'd have to commit themselves to reading every single paper they publish from here on to infinity times ten.

Then, days later, Clinton surrogate compared Richardson to Judas!

I guess if Fred Armisen can be Obama then the G. can get away with Karma.

I kid, I kid. I wonder if our shitty Chinese food restaurant, Yuan Ho is still there! True story.

Well, shit. Expand to 128 teams! Play twenty-five minute games! As far as talent goes, the NCAA talent pool would be a lot better if the NBA didn't poach so much of it! Matt's insistent negging of the college game's level of talent just seems obtuse. Hey! Furthermore, the NBA may have superior players but the league seems actively antagonistic of the superior play that has led to many teams - the Spurs and Pistons, especially - winning titles of late. Last year, the NBA hyped LeBron James to the point of nausea. No professional sport experiences a more radical shift from player talent to coach talent in the playoffs than the NBA does - it's a product of moving from 82 fly-by-night games to a concentrated series against a single team. Milwaukee plays Chicago tonight at 8:30pm. Enjoy! Hey, for FUN, maybe your god-forsaken New York City Knickerbockers could try it out as well!

I mean, did you read Carl's forty point plan for the future of newspapers? Real-time online traffic and weather blogs, in intensely localized detail. Yes! People doing imaginary homework.

Anyway, the plumbers got down to work and I attempted to return to recuperative napping.

Fucking. Imagine? Tulsa playing Bradley two out of three is what plays at the ESPN Zone in Hell. That has to be the most ironic deployment of the words "if necessary" in the history of the goddamned world.