Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To Sleep, Perchance To Suddenly Stop Breathing And Die, Gurgling On Your Own Hot Snot

So, yesterday night, I did a "sleep study" at the Arlington Hospital. What does all that mean? Well, if you were "studying" this topic: Can the DCeiver sleep, at all, with thirty wires and electrodes glued to his body, which pop off everytime I change position, on a stiff bed, with no wife or kitty cats? The answer is no. NO FURTHER STUDY NECESSARY. STUDY IS COMPLETE. Did you answer "NO" on the final exam? Congratuations, you graduate, pop Cristal.

As I told my friend Tracy S.,
I did the study because I (or actually wife of DCeiver, who hears me at night) was worried that I might have sleep apnea. So I went to Arlington Hospital WHERE THERE IS NO WIRELESS INTERNET and got studded up with electrodes and wires, and they were like, OKAY SLEEP LIKE NORMAL. Which was impossible, because wires kept coming off during the night and they guy would come in and redo them. It was like work. Everytime I woke up I looked at my cell phone for the time because I just wanted it to end. It finally did at about 5:30am.

My lab tech was awesome. He was a brooding Satanist who was sad that Michael Jackson's life force had been extinguished and that the world was a sorrier place for the absence of his talent. At length, he explained how there would be no black metal without MJ, so, if I ever find myself in some sort of doctorate-level cultural studies program being taught by Sasha Frere-Jones, I have my dissertation all ready to go.

Anyway, I don't know yet if I have sleep apnea and need one of those masks, yet. Hopefully not. I'm not worried, though, Andrew Sullivan makes those masks look like sex on cinnamon toast.

In Related News, Vinny Cerrato Is Still An Ass-Pump

Blogging About Not Blogging Is The New Blogging About Blogging

Hello. Yes. We at The DCeiver are back to once again break new ground in apologizing for not blogging on a blog that no one but spam bots read, apparently. So, there you go. Attention will be paid in coming days to put content here. NOT GOOD CONTENT, MIND YOU! But something. Think of this as a Tumblr without "tumbularity" or whatever they call it.

Anyway, it's not like you can't read me elsewhere, like many others. Here is Eat The Press, to bookmark. Or you can RSS the everloving shit out of me, here. You can follow me on Twitter and stuff. I do Crappy Hour on Jezebel with Megan Carpentier every Wednesday morning. And me and Ana Marie Cox make fun of the White House Flickr Feed from time to time on The Awl, who have a lot of great writers if you don't like Ana Marie and I making dick jokes about our President.

And yeah, whatever happens here happens. Don't force it, baby. Let it come.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Serenity Now

One day, Americans will get to the point where they stop, dead in their tracks, and with a single voice ask one question: "What would happen if the staff of Reason magazine suddenly became cowboy grifters who speak Pidgin Chinese and fly around the universe in busted up spaceships?" Then, at long last, Firefly will get the recognition it deserves.

What My Wife And I Argued About Tonight

DCeiver: You know what I don't understand?

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: Sting.

Wife of DCeiver: Sting?

DCeiver: Sting. The sword Frodo uses in the Lord Of The Rings. It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: It's not dumb.

DCeiver: It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: Why is it dumb.

DCeiver: Think about it. It GLOWS when orcs are near.

Wife of DCeiver: That's not dumb, that's useful.

DCeiver: That's not useful, it's lethal.

Wife of DCeiver: It warns you if orcs are near.

DCeiver: No. It's dark. You have Sting out. It glows. Orcs are also in the dark. They see Sting glowing. They come and kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: What if it's not dark.

DCeiver: It still glows! It glows. Motherfuckers see it glow. Orcs come, they kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: You can put the sword in its sheath, nobody sees it.

DCeiver: Great, then, orcs find you some other way, your dumbass sword is SHEATHED, they kill you because your sword isn't out. Your sword isn't out, because it fucking glows.

Wife of DCeiver: Well, when it glows, you can say, "Woah, better get out of here."

DCeiver: Then it shouldn't be a weapon.

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: It shouldn't be a sword! If the swords most useful function is to tell you when to run away, it's not much of a sword. It's like, a sword that totally pussies out of fighting orcs.

Wife of DCeiver: Dude, talk to the elves.

Also, why are indestructible ring-wraiths afraid of fire? Never made any sense to me.