Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To Sleep, Perchance To Suddenly Stop Breathing And Die, Gurgling On Your Own Hot Snot

So, yesterday night, I did a "sleep study" at the Arlington Hospital. What does all that mean? Well, if you were "studying" this topic: Can the DCeiver sleep, at all, with thirty wires and electrodes glued to his body, which pop off everytime I change position, on a stiff bed, with no wife or kitty cats? The answer is no. NO FURTHER STUDY NECESSARY. STUDY IS COMPLETE. Did you answer "NO" on the final exam? Congratuations, you graduate, pop Cristal.

As I told my friend Tracy S.,
I did the study because I (or actually wife of DCeiver, who hears me at night) was worried that I might have sleep apnea. So I went to Arlington Hospital WHERE THERE IS NO WIRELESS INTERNET and got studded up with electrodes and wires, and they were like, OKAY SLEEP LIKE NORMAL. Which was impossible, because wires kept coming off during the night and they guy would come in and redo them. It was like work. Everytime I woke up I looked at my cell phone for the time because I just wanted it to end. It finally did at about 5:30am.

My lab tech was awesome. He was a brooding Satanist who was sad that Michael Jackson's life force had been extinguished and that the world was a sorrier place for the absence of his talent. At length, he explained how there would be no black metal without MJ, so, if I ever find myself in some sort of doctorate-level cultural studies program being taught by Sasha Frere-Jones, I have my dissertation all ready to go.

Anyway, I don't know yet if I have sleep apnea and need one of those masks, yet. Hopefully not. I'm not worried, though, Andrew Sullivan makes those masks look like sex on cinnamon toast.

1 comment:

Jay said...

My old roommate did that, and he was told he needed the mask. Of course, he finds it just as hard to sleep in the mask as he had found it in the hospital.