Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I Take Your Bitch Ass To The Rack Like Jerry Stack

Balk rightly mocks the first sentence of this bit of nimroddery, but, uhm, uh, GOD. This:

His poorly-vetted cabinet picks have been a mess and his foreign policy is so muddled that no one knows who the power is behind the throne – in the Middle East, is it George Mitchell? John Kerry? Hillary Clinton? Barack Obama?
Seriously? You are struggling with that? Son, that shit doesn't come more unmuddled: Mitchell is the special envoy to the Middle East, John Kerry chairs the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Hillary Clinton is the Secretary of State. That shouldn't be hard to understand. Kids jumping into Mumbai shitheaps are answering trickier questions. Is this guy saying that appointing a Secretary of State creates a muddle? Gah.

Seriously, I studiously read my Attackerman, so my foreign policy game is extra-special, hospital-corners tight, but if Spencer were just a can of sand or something*, to pour on your head, you could still accrue enough knowledge to not present yourself in the public square like this sack of ass.

*To make the obvious joke, yes, I'd fire the can of sand several times, for the sake of authenticity.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Devil Wears a Catholic University T-Shirt

You know, with the right haircut, or wig, Megan would look exactly like a young version of Anna Wintour. Why are we not exploiting this? Am officially accepting spec treatments for the Naughty Pilate and Young Anna Wintour Adventure Hour.

This Dumbass, Denby

Ana Marie is apparently going to read David Denby's illiterate and factually challenged book of nob-slobber, Snark. She starts by listing all these things that Denby believes "snark" to be. Some are right there on his title page. Snark is mean! Snark is personal! Snark is ruining conversations!

In short, snark is and does many things. But everything snark is and does, land mines are and do worse. And the world could make better use of a book about landmines. Even one written by a complete idiot.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Presented Without Comment.

Highlights from Elsewhere, 2/19/09

  1. So why is Pelosi so open to investigations where "DOJ politicization" is concerned and yet so quick to remind us that the Republic is chugging along just fine despite the fact that we still don't have closure on Cambodia? Let me kill the suspense.
  2. Apparently, not everybody's pet chimpanzee was shot dead in a terrifying police standoff. Some continue to ply their trade in public relations.
  3. "...Delonas' hack circuits trump his racist ones."
  4. So there you have it. Everyone should pick a side, because as soon as the closing bell rings, Rick Santelli and these pasty traders are going to march on Havana and reclaim Elian Gonzalez, I guess.
  5. 'I Bet Michele Bachmann Would Believe This If We Put It On The Internet'
  6. You suggest that a bunch of Wall Street titans who screwed themselves and took the economy into the tank with them should agree to compensation caps, and people start wondering if you've lost your mind. On the other hand, you suggest that a guy who works on an assembly line should do the same, suddenly your point of view gets traction.
  7. Does this mean Michael Steele's gonna drop a mixtape or something?

Like, say, Cthulhu.

I think the distinction will be determined by who gets prayed to in the former setting.

The Next Big Thing: DCist Exposed

It's time once again for DCist Exposed, which has become one of those events I look forward to and in which the DCist crew rightfully takes great pride. The whole shebang kicks off today (Friday) with the opening reception. If things run true to form, the crowd will be bonkers but the mood will be cheerful. I regret that I won't be able to make the opening myself, but look forward to seeing the exhibit during its run at The Gallery at Flashpoint. If you're wondering, it's at 916 G Street, NW. Take Red, Yellow, or Green Line to Gallery Place Station.

Yes, This Virginia Gubernatorial Race Will Be The Best Ever

I believe I've already mentioned how this year's governor's race in Virginia is going to be a total disaster, what with Terry McAuliffe microtrending his goofy ass all around the state and Brian Moran doubling down on uber consultants by hiring Joe Trippi, who likes to blow up the internet and stuff. Yes, it will be horrific. But I've left out the likely Republican candidate thus far! As it turns out, he's a goddamned peach, himself:

Ed Kilgore directed our attention to this item from Trende's overview, regarding former state Attorney General Bob McDonnell, the likely Republican candidate.

Regardless of who the Democrat is, much will depend on the performance and perception of Bob McDonnell. As mentioned above, McDonnell avoids many of the problems that have beset previous Republican nominees. But there is one potential problem -- he is a bona fide social conservative. McDonnell will likely be attacked for his law degree from Regent University (founded by Pat Robertson), and comments he made while he was a Delegate to the effect that anyone engaging in oral or anal sex could be found in violation of Virginia's "crimes against nature" law (he also claimed not to remember whether he had ever violated the law).

Kilgore noted, "Yeah, I don't think it will be too long before every late-night comic in the world has some high-profile fun with McDonnell's 2003 comment that he doesn't really recall whether he's ever violated the state's sodomy laws. And he's not well positioned ideologically to claim that this is a 'private' or 'family' matter."

Right. McDonnell insisted that those who engage in oral or anal sex should be eligible for prosecution. Asked if he'd ever personally committed this "crime," McDonnell told reporters, "Not that I can recall."

Awesome. See, that's going to be either the eventual Democratic nominee's secret weapon or Achilles heel: memorable sodomy.

*I think it goes without saying that it would be difficult to forget going ass-to-mouth with Terry McAuliffe.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Highlights from Elsewhere, 2/19/09

  1. And yeah, I'm supposed to laugh at this, because AHH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE BEEN BROUGHT LOW!
  2. And sure, if you look hard enough, I'm sure you'll find some of those "pot-kettle-black" instances where your Congressperson has wasted their own share of money. But you know what? To be fair, you really should look a little bit harder than Jonathan Karl and ABC News did for their article, "Congress Travels Free on Taxpayers' Dime," which depicts serious and substantive work as frivolous, and from which the palpable stench of asininity emanates.
  3. Remember Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann? She's the saucer-eyed looneytune who went on Hardball last year in the heat of the election to suggest that the Congress was filled with un-American pod-people that the media needed to hound out into the light, so that she could disintegrate them with her LASER EYES.
  4. But watch out, Obamaphiles! Obama's grammatical structure reveals terrible, dark secrets as well! For starters, he uses "copulative predicates" - literally some sort of terrible word-sodomy!
  5. What's the whole news peg, here? According to reporter Jennifer Harper, Obama has been appearing on stages! And on those stages: FLAGS.
  6. It raises the question: why should anyone on the Post's op-ed page even bother to tie their opinions to ANY real-world truths? Why can't everyone just MAKE SHIT UP?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Have Panel Discussion, Will Travel

Here's the video of me, Roy Sekoff, Colin Sterling, and Katharine Zaleski, entertaining Katharine's mom and about a hundred other people at the 92nd Street Y in our panel discussion of all things HuffPo.(WARNING: I am awful, but it's my first time doing this sort of thing.) Anyway: Whee!

Turns The Balls To Ice Cubes

So, this past Monday, I'm chilling out, reading me some Jezebel, and Megan writes this about Kathryn Jean Lopez:

Sex is surrender to another? How quaintly patriarchal of her. Obviously, it's not about mutuality, it's about surrendering to the penetration of one's vagina. Sex must be fun-times at K-Lo's house.
Jesus. Did you have to do that, Megan? I don't want my mind's eye filled with the thought of K-Lo fucking, or the heady, filmy musk that entails, or the trauma done to the creatures of the surrounding woodlands, who have to listen to the savage yawping coming from inside K-Lo's domicile and wonder if there's any sense in fleeing a horror that they cannot ever un-hear. Not on President's Day, for Christ

Highlights from Elsewhere, 2/18/09

  1. Anyway, these liberal blogs, they fight like kittens. What exactly is going on? Argh, I'll tell you.
  2. The media have come to the end of a month of politicking over the economic stimulus and, from what I gather, have managed to mostly unlearn as much as they could about the principles upon which the proposed plan is based.
  3. McCain's pretty much "Exhibit A" in the case against Media Savvy As An End In Itself, which is probably why he's constantly depicted as a headline grabbing wonder, as opposed to someone who has rather neatly exposed the limitations of media favor.
  4. Back when he was appointed by Illinois' cowboy-poet hair-farmer Rod Blagojevich to the Senate, ol' Roland Burris could brook no delay in getting seated. Well, WHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY GONE WRONG?
  5. Oh, but look at me! BLAMING THE VICTIM!
  6. ...some confusion erupted as to whether or not the film was about lesbians who kill vampires or if it would instead focus on people trying to kill lesbian vampires.
  7. Why stop there? Every time you send out a tweet surely you are also gang-sodomizing the telegraph!


It's like I've been saying for years. The teens: they have tried the fucking, and they have grown partial to it. Anyway, thanks for giving America the opportunity to pretend to freak out about this stuff, Bristol Palin. And a snowbound hillbilly child shall lead them, I guess.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It's Been A While...

...since I've offered up one of those lame apologies for the lack of blogging, but there you go. I've been busy lately. And gladly so. Naturally, I should have planned to bake a cake of erudition for visitors from The Washingtonian, but that's me and my fantastic sense of timing. At any rate, we'll pick up here again soon, and at the very least, I'll try to do better at keeping you three readers informed of what I'm doing elsewhere. Anyway, smooches.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Terry McAuliffe Ads Are Up, The Battle To Turn Virginia Into A Scorched-Earth Hellhole Begins

While Superbowl-watching Arizonans had the good fortune to see some pornography last Sunday, viewers in "select Virginia markets" got the short end of the stick, and had to watch a campaign ad from Terry McAuliffe instead. McAuliffe is running to be governor of Virginia, and so, he's been to Hampton Roads - home of a still-beloved Phish concert - to talk with residents. He thinks that what Virginians needs are jobs - lots of jobs - and aircraft carriers, and probably an assortment of other things. You know, whatever the MICROTRENDS say Virginia needs, that's what Terry is for.

Democrats have recently had success winning elections in Virginia, because they've run candidates like Tim Kaine and Jim Webb - middle-of-the-road types whose broad appeal helps them in both the liberal-trending Northern Virginia suburbs as well as broad swaths of Virginia's small towns and rural districts, which tend to be more conservative. The governor's race is already set up to be an epic battle between the career Clintonite McAuliffe and Brian Moran, who's backed by new-media super-consultant Joe Trippi. This promises to be a epic old-school-versus-new-school scorched earth Democratic primary battle with slick ads, sick amounts of cash, and outsider consultants by the metric ton - all but ensuring that the Virginia state house will be ruled by Republicans, or perhaps werewolves, forever and ever.


Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Monday, February 02, 2009

In Light Of Recent Events...

This sponsorship sure is starting to make a lot of sense.