Thursday, August 27, 2009

At Play In The Fields Of Health Care Reform

In case you missed it, last night I returned to my alma mater to attend one of these insane health care reform town halls. I went with Liz Glover of the Washington Times and Jim Newell of Wonkette. Jim filed the official pool report. I got to stare into the eyes of anti-abortion whack job Randall Terry, and find them unimpressive. Terry did not bother to bring along fried chicken and beer, as he has for his crackpotty appearances at the National Press Club and the like, so, really, what good was he, anyway?

The crowd was largely in favor of health care reform, and the portion that wasn't was largely against having things explained to them, the application of logic, rudimentary reasoning, and demonstrating the sort of breeding that does not take place near a slaughterhouse. They were very much in favor of large groups of American citizens crawling off into the woods to die, for freedom. The joke's on them though! The woods in Reston are studded with well-appointed bike paths!

Representative Jim Moran demonstrated the celebrated stage presence and rampant charisma he is best known for, by which I mean he droned and droned, endlessly, senselessly, seemingly under the impression that there was someone in the room who was a bona fide fencesitter who just needed some facts to make up their minds. My favorite part was when he attempted to debunk eleven -- ELEVEN! -- internet myths about health care reform for the crowd. Because on this day, at South Lakes High School, destiny had written that it would finally be Jim Moran who would defeat the internet. It was insanely fruitless, and I wanted to vote for cloture SO BAD.

Anyway, there was much yelling, and not a few LaRouchies, pimping racist nonsense. At least they weren't at the DMV, where people are at there most vulnerable and susceptible to cult programming. There was also a Jamaican guy outside with a "Bush/Cheney '04" poster, who travelled forward in time from the past via Jah to warn everyone of all the bumbaclot health care. Plus, I hear the Klan put literature under people's windshield wipers, so, GOOD TIMES.

We really did go to Chili's which really is something of a shitshow. Everything on the menu is bottomless or kickin' or slammin'. It was hard to distinguish actual food from entrees that advertised themselves as culinary mixed-martial arts that could be unleashed against an unsuspecting colon. Nevertheless, it felt like the appropriate venue to decompress from all the affluent suburbanites yelling at one another.

Anyway, now I've been to one of these Town halls that are so hot right now.

I Hope They Serve Cliches In Hell

Here's the part of Gawker's review of the crapulent Tucker Max movie that stands out in my mind:

The best character in the film is Tucker's friend Drew, because he looks like he was just dropped in from another movie, and can't wait to get back. Drew is a misanthropic video game nerd who goes to strip club and meets a hot stripper who is also a video game nerd and falls for him and they rush home and sleep together and Drew instantly bonds with her son and they become a couple immediately. This is as close to a plausible male-female interaction sequence as this movie gets.
Wait. You mean this twat's movie is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl Movie?! For. Fuck's. Sake.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Amanda Mattos, Your Birthday Is This Weekend, Right?

You know, just wondering what to get the woman who has everything...

I like how it ends with "The End," so that you know the compelling narrative is over.

[Via Max Silvestri]

Even Supremer Navel Gazing

Amanda writes:

when i eat asparagus hot, i far prefer the stalks to the heads. when i eat asparagus cold, however, it's just the opposite.
When I eat asparagus hot, or cold, my pee smells funny.

Your move, Mattos.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

If "The Velvet Hammer" Is A Dance Move, I Am SO Watching Dancing With The Stars This Season

As you may have heard, former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay is going to compete on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Having never seen the show, I can't properly assess Delay's prospects. Obviously, if gerrymandering is essential to winning this show, Delay should fare well. However, if the grand prize is a big bowl of cocaine, he will almost certainly lose to fellow Texan and former Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Michael Irvin. Or none of this will happen!

Delay's former communications director, Emily Miller, is nonetheless bullish on her former boss's chances, and yesterday, she made some bold predictions, telling MSNBC's Carlos Watson that Delay is "taking it very seriously":

MILLER: He's going to go far. He is no longer "The Hammer." He's going to be the Velvet Hammer. He's going to be two-stepping his way across America. And I predict he will go far. I don't know if he's going to go all the way to the finals, but he's definitely going to go farther than Tucker Carlson.

The Velvet Hammer? Right away I'm thinking, "Oh, my. That is going to infringe on so many pornographers' copyrights." But just a few minutes later, Andy Levy of Fox News' Red Eye tipped me to this entry in the Urban Dictionary.

Yeah. I'd say that's definitely going a LOT farther than Tucker Carlson.


What does the term "health care co-op" mean to me? I'm very glad that I have given myself the opportunity to answer that question! What I hear the word "co-op," I imagine a situation in which a group of well-meaning people, having identified a need in their community, address that need with good intentions and available institutional know-how, combining these two ingredients to make a product that's not quite as good as either one.

But it's totally like RURAL ELECTRIFICATION and junk! Maybe we could have outhouses, too!

Anyway, this, and that.