Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Uplift Kid A Party Plan

The Awl's Dave Bry says that Thom Yorke and Flea have somehow gotten it into their heads that they should form a band together, you know, before the world ends in accordance with the ancient Mayan calendar. But they're such different musicians! Polar opposites! Strange bedfellows! Yeah, yeah, so, what happens is they meet in the middle, and voila: Coldplay. Only spelled with a "K," because, you know, freaky styley.

In other news, you fucking know you'd love to hear what Thom Yorke would do with "True Men Don't Kill Coyotes." Don't you even fucking lie to me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

LOLJoes

Various folks on the interwebs submit the following:




Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Watch As I Say Something Nice About Pitchfork

Say what you want about Pitchfork, but at least they did not post an article that listed the 100 best indie rock jams that Jaycee Dugard missed out on while being imprisoned and forced to bear children for the past twenty years.

Joe Wilson: Presidential Nemesis

As you probably know by now, during tonight's health care reform address, President Obama ran afoul of Joe Wilson, who called out, "You lie!" during the speech. Lots of people are pissed at Wilson: the Democratic leadership, John McCain. It's a big mess and a real embarrassment.

All eyes on Obama, now. Hopefully, he won't try to get backsies on Joe Wilson by outing his wife as a covert CIA agent.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

A Message To The Shorteez.

Hi, children of America. I am this obscure person who writes a daffy liveblog online, for money. I understand that some or all of you might be going back to school this week. To those of you who will be attending the same middle school I attended, I am sorry. That place truly sat on the nexus of Hades and what were probably several Indian burial grounds, such was the daily horror of that awful, oval shaped, suburban cesspool.

As many of you know, President Barack Obama is going to be addressing you this coming Tuesday. He'll be saying some generic platitudes that you've probably heard before, and suggesting some homework that you won't do. He'd like you to learn and succeed, probably. But many of you won't be seeing it because a number of slavering idiot fools have raised a hue and cry premised on the notion that the President will, in one hours time, succeed in converting you into Communist arson-zombies, and the adults who run many of your school systems are craven, gutless, pieces of piffle who literally have no intention of ever doing right by you if it threatens to cost them anything.

I mean, that's truly pathetic. We are truly pathetic. And we're leaving you a pretty pathetic world to grow up in. We are incapable of facing any challenge, until it's way too late, and then, even when we fix it, we refuse to learn from our mistakes and do anything about it. This financial crisis you may have heard about is a great example. Adults cocked up the entire world, chasing after magical rewards in a greed fantasia. We very nearly caused Western civilization to explode, poured about a kabillion dollars into the fires of Mordor to stave off an eruption, and have learned NOTHING from the experience.

Or health care. This is a can we've kicked down the road for nearly a generation, lying to each other all the way. Currently, we have a group of people saying insane lies about how giving Americans proper health care is Satanic and bad, and another group of people who are just too terrified to do the right thing. I don't know how long this reform debate has to go, but I'll make a confident prediction: something will pass, and it will be utter, useless junk.

Sorry, kids. That's the story. We, the adults in your life, are, as I've already said, complete cock-ups.

Kids, like the President will probably tell you in his Tuesday speech -- that you will probably have to watch on YouTube, instead of in the manner it was originally intended, because the adults in your life are useless -- I, too, want you to strive and stay in school and do your homework and make good grades and learn as much as you can. But there's something else I need you to do. Something only you can do! And that is to hold all of us useless, disgusting cock-ups responsible.

This school year, wherever you go, whether it's school or your neighborhood or the grocery store or an afterschool activity, I want all of you kids to promise me that whenever you encounter an adult, that you will walk up to them, get their attention, point right at them and simply say to them, "I blame you." Then just walk away. Say nothing more. Do nothing else. Begin with your parents and move onward and outward, to every adult in your life. Don't discriminate between gender or color, age or station. If you see me, I want you to do the same thing. It shall make me very, very proud of you. Not that you should care about that. We are arrant knaves all. Believe none of us.

That's it. I have no further advice to give you. You shall be inheriting one large turd sandwich of a world. I'm so sorry.