The DCeiver

All I Want For Christmas

2010-11-26T01:08:00.003-05:00

All I want for Christmas is for the media to conduct one interview with Maher Arar for every interview they do with someone who had their genitals grazed by the TSA at an airport.

Hero Work

2010-10-25T11:20:00.002-05:00

I'm guessing that probably only my friend Aaron Neptune is going to find this funny, but on the other hand, he's probably going to find this really funny:

Join Team America

2010-06-27T21:08:00.001-05:00

The media is not going to like this one bit:

On Saturday, the group known as America Speaks (funded by Wall Street mogul Peter G. Peterson and two other foundations) brought together several thousand people in meetings in 60 cities. They gave participants misleading background information about the federal deficit and economic options to achieve fiscal "balance" and future prosperity.

Peterson cannot be pleased with the participants' mainly progressive policy choices, which will be presented on June 30 to the Deficit Commission that Peterson encouraged President Obama to create.

According to America Speaks' own press release, when a scientifically selected group of participants picked up their electronic voting devices, they overwhelmingly supported proposals to

Raise tax rates on corporate income and those earning more than $1 million.
Reduce military spending by 10 to 15 percent,
Create a carbon tax and a securities-transaction tax.

Heh.

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:42:00.004-05:00

"For $25,000 to $250,000, The Washington Post is offering lobbyists and association executives off the record, non-confrontational access to 'those powerful few' -- Obama administration officials, members of Congress, and the paper's own reporters and editors.
The astonishing offer is detailed in a flier circulated Wednesday to a health-care lobbyist, who provided it to a reporter because the lobbyist said he feels it's a conflict for the paper to charge for access to, as the flier says, its 'health care reporting and editorial staff.'

The offer--which essentially turns a news organization into a facilitator for private lobbyist-official encounters--is a new sign of the lengths to which news organizations will go to find revenue at a time when most newspapers are struggling for survival." [Via. More.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:38:00.005-05:00

"A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly said a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:31:00.004-05:00

"People often ask me how to make conversation at dinner parties. I always tell them to ask about their dinner partner's family -- once they get started, they won't stop. Everyone has a dysfunctional family. Ours is no exception.

I'm going to discuss a drama unfolding in our family, and I'm discussing it only because others have made it public and messy. It's a conflict that I hope readers can understand -- and avoid in their own lives." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:29:00.002-05:00

"...one of the things that ties together my work over here and my work at Baseball Prospectus is that I want the media to be smarter and more accountable when they cite statistical information, be it mortgage rates or polling numbers or batting averages. This article was neither smart nor accountable. It's the equivalent of noting that Alex Rodriguez has a batting average 40 points better than the league average, and using that to infer that the umpires were biased in his favor." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:23:00.002-05:00

"Peter Perl, WaPo's editor in charge of personnel and training, spoke to ombudsman Andrew Alexander about the problems of keeping reporters aware of their sourcing policies: 'We don't have a systematic way of addressing this... We tend to be reactive. We need to be proactive.' Uhm...how about today -- THIS VERY MINUTE -- you get 'proactive' with Shear and Connolly, Pete?" [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:18:00.002-05:00

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:07:00.002-05:00

You have an ongoing series, "Faces Of The Recession?" Oh, well, a profile of Neel Kashkari will fit in great!

"The moon hits his stubble, which is six days old. And the sweater he hasn't changed in three or four days. His BlackBerry -- he can't kick it -- rang once today. A year ago in D.C., it buzzed every few seconds. All night, he'd roll over to its bluish glow. His Treasury Department assistant slept with hers, powered up, on her pillow.

'It's like a dream,' Kashkari says, his work boots crunching pine cones. 'Sometimes I think: Was it real?'"

Gag. Same day:

In addition to hiring a top equity team, we have also recognized the need for an experienced person to work closely with PIMCO's Executive Committee to lead our entry into this and other new businesses over time. Accordingly, Neel Kashkari is joining us on December 14 to lead new investment initiatives. Neel will be based in our Newport Beach office.

[Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T11:03:00.003-05:00

"Allen, according to sources, said: 'This is total crap. It’s the second worst story I have seen in Style in 43 years.'
Roig-Franzia then wandered into the newsroom. A veteran foreign correspondent, he has been turning out political features for Style. He heard Allen’s rant and stopped by his desk.
'Oh, Henry,' he supposedly said, 'don’t be such a cocks-----.'
Allen lunged at Roig-Franzia, threw him to the newsroom floor, and started throwing punches. Roig-Franzia tried to fend him off. Brauchli and others pulled the two apart." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:56:00.006-05:00

"In the photographs of Kagan sitting and chatting in various Capitol Hill offices, she doesn't appear to ever cross her legs. Her posture stands out because for so many women, when they sit, they cross. People tend to mimic each other's body language during a conversation, especially if they're trying to connect with one another. But even when Kagan sits across from Sen. Amy Klobuchar, who has her legs crossed at the knees, Kagan keeps both feet planted firmly on the ground. Her body language will not be bullied into conformity.
She does not cross her legs at the ankles either, the way so many older women do. Instead, Kagan sits, in her sensible skirts, with her legs slightly apart, hands draped in her lap. The woman and her attire seem utterly at odds. She is intent on being comfortable. No matter what the clothes demand. No matter the camera angle." --Robin Givhan, idiotic WaPo fashion reporter.

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:52:00.003-05:00

"Alexander finally mentions the 'missing man' from his last piece on the matter, by the way: David Hoffman, who won in the the General Nonfiction category for his book The Dead Hand, The Untold Story of the Cold War Arms Race and Its Dangerous Legacy. Alexander notes that Hoffman 'left the paper last year in the latest cost-cutting buyout,' and 'no longer works in the newsroom' despite his billing as a Post 'contributing editor.'
But we already knew that! I'd like to know more about the persistent rumor that Hoffman found his buyout papers left on his chair with a Post-It note ordering him to 'sign this.' And, hey! I'd also love to hear more about the way Hoffman's treatment contributed to Pulitzer Prize winner Anthony Shadid's decision to ply his trade elsewhere." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:39:00.004-05:00

"What clinches the falsity of Thiessen's claim, however (and that of the memo he cites, and that of an unnamed Central Intelligence Agency spokesman who today seconded Thessen's argument), is chronology. In a White House press briefing, Bush's counterterrorism chief, Frances Fragos Townsend, told reporters that the cell leader was arrested in February 2002, and 'at that point, the other members of the cell' (later arrested) 'believed that the West Coast plot has been canceled, was not going forward' [italics mine]. A subsequent fact sheet released by the Bush White House states, 'In 2002, we broke up [italics mine] a plot by KSM to hijack an airplane and fly it into the tallest building on the West Coast.' These two statements make clear that however far the plot to attack the Library Tower ever got—an unnamed senior FBI official would later tell the Los Angeles Times that Bush's characterization of it as a 'disrupted plot' was 'ludicrous'—that plot was foiled in 2002. But Sheikh Mohammed wasn't captured until March 2003.

How could Sheikh Mohammed's water-boarded confession have prevented the Library Tower attack if the Bush administration 'broke up' that attack during the previous year? It couldn't, of course." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:33:00.002-05:00

"But nowhere in the interview does Hiatt appear to grapple with the actual argument of Will's numerous critics, which is that the column at issue contained outright misrepresentations of scientific data, on a level that goes far beyond honest differences of opinion." [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:30:00.002-05:00

"And on October 10, the Post published an insane editorial on how the Nobel Prize should've been awarded to a murdered Iranian protester. This suggests that either the entire editorial board doesn't know that Nobel Peace Prizes are never awarded posthumously or they simply don't give a shit. The piece is still not corrected, because presumably any 'correction' would have to read "the entire premise of this editorial is bullshit, sorry.'" [Via.]

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:27:00.003-05:00

Adult Supervision

2010-06-26T10:24:00.004-05:00

Blogger, Clean Thine Own Diaper

2010-06-26T10:15:00.004-05:00

Jeffrey Goldberg, being the obstreperous tween that he is, says of 'affaire Weigel:

The sad truth is that the Washington Post, in its general desperation for page views, now hires people who came up in journalism without much adult supervision, and without the proper amount of toilet-training. This little episode today is proof of this. But it is also proof that some people at the Post (where I worked, briefly, 20 years ago) still know the difference between acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior, and that maybe this episode will lead to the reimposition of some level of standards.

Heh. Weigel was, of course, supervised and trained by Laura McGann, among other people. I promise you, McGann is not going to lose a battle of wits or adulthood to Goldberg anytime soon.

Anyway! Adult supervision, you say?

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its public transit facilities.

2010-06-24T01:48:00.002-05:00

Via Balk, it seems that they've built a station on Moscow's metro that's named for Fyodor Doestoevsky. It's precisely what you expect it to be:

The station, called Dostoyevskaya, is decorated with brooding grey and black mosaics that depict violent scenes from the 19th-century writer's best-known novels. One mural re-enacts the moment when the main character in Crime and Punishment murders an elderly pawnbroker and her sister with an axe.

Another shows a suicide-obsessed character in The Demons holding a pistol to his temple. If that was not enough to darken the mood, shadowlike characters are shown flitting across the cavernous new station's walls and a giant mosaic of a depressed-looking Dostoevsky stares out at passengers.

So, it's a lot like Federal Triangle, only cheerier, I guess?

Fun fact: There was, for many years, a cruise liner named the MS Feodor Doestoevsky. I have no idea what one might have expected, vacationing on such a ship. In 1995 it was renamed the MS Astor, and naturally, attacked by pirates, who would have probably given a ship called the Doestoevsky a wide goddamn berth.

Wet Hot Loud

2010-06-24T01:36:00.003-05:00

Of course everyone's talking about that Michael Hastings story on McChrystal. But don't sleep on Rolling Stone's four-day Bonnaroo embed. I'm sure they'll force somebody to resign.

The Goodbye Girl.

2010-06-11T02:08:00.002-05:00

"There's a lot more I could say, but it's getting late in the day, and I can already see the traffic starting to drop off as the evening commute begins. So I'm just going to hit publish, and send one last DCist post out into the wilderness. I'll be seeing you."

--Sommer Mathis peaces out from DCist. Time to get wistful.

On The Grind

2010-06-10T02:28:00.003-05:00

Here's a funny video from Chris Geidner and Yusef Najafi from Metro Weekly, spoofing an actual "like, take this seriously, y'all" report from the Washington Examiner, in which Tara Palmieri walked around Washington, DC using the iPhone's Grindr app to prove incontrovertibly that at all times, you might be within several thousand feet of a gay man, in Washington DC, who knows, it's a FUCKIN' MAGICAL GODDAMN MYSTERY, URBAN LIFE.

Here's the original Washington Examiner investigative report. I think you can see that the one thing Najafi doesn't quite pull off is the way Palmieri speaks words aloud as if she's just come from having several bricks collide with her skull.

Baller

2010-06-10T01:37:00.002-05:00

"My name is Eddie Vale of the AFL-CIO and I'm proud to fight for working families and I don't hide behind anonymous quotes."

--Eddie Vale responds to someone in the White House who slagged organized labor after last night's Arkansas runoff election that was too big of a pussy to stand by their remarks. In the days before the primary, the White House did everything they could to put distance between themselves and Blanche Lincoln because they, like everyone else, thought she was a sure loser. So, someone in the White House has caught themselves a bad case of bitchassness.

"Go Where Airplanes Go," Imperial China

2010-06-10T01:32:00.001-05:00

Forever Burned On The Mind's Eye

2010-06-10T01:06:00.005-05:00

Well, never let it be said that the New Yorker is above working blue, right? Actually, look: I am not a monument to prudery, all right? This sort of thing normally sits well with me. Still, I'd like to thank Hendrik Hertzberg for managing to somehow get my imagination to combine Blanche Lincoln with pony play. Nice going, asshole.

Journals Of The Crisis Years

2010-06-10T00:51:00.002-05:00

The Governess passes along this discovery from Amazon, a little-read and little-bought book entitled My Boss was the BTK Killer... I was the Next Victim. Yes, that's how everything is capitalized and whatnot. The book tells the story of Mary Capps, who was a coworker-underling of Dennis Rader, the infamous "Bind-Torture-Kill" serial killer, and in it she describes what it was like to work with Rader under some, I guess, rather tight deadlines?

At first blush, you get the impression that it's something like a Then We Came To The End...Of Our Lives, but as you read what appears to be the only honest review on it's Amazon page, it becomes clear that Capps basically took her proximity to the BTK Killer as a peg to drape an entire story-of-my-life memoir around:

This book was one of the most poorly written and edited books I have ever read. It told me very little about Dennis Rader and a whole lot about Mary Capps. What I read of the book (about half)told me all about Mary's life, her kids and her growing up, with an occasional diatribe about Dennis Rader and how he ruined her life with a sentence that followed similar to "but more about that later." She supposedly attempts to tell her life story along a time line which runs with what BTK was reported to be doing at that particular time in her life, but goes off on too many rabbit trails. It certainly is not worth $14.00; in fact, in my opinion it isn't worth 50 cents.

So, it's more like an And The Heart Says You Are Going To Brutally Killed, Maybe. Anyway: SUMMER BEACH READ OMGZZ!!

Aggressive Manoeuvres For Autonomous Quadrotor Death Machines In The Dark

2010-06-03T02:09:00.002-05:00

Skynet lives.

Why They Gotta Do Me Like That?

2010-06-03T02:03:00.003-05:00

Wow. Who knew that Google was capable of automatically generating a Jadakiss song? [Via.]

The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down

2010-06-03T00:28:00.004-05:00

Ben Craw and I set about the task of humorously memorializing the sad demise of these crazy Alabama would-be elected officials, and ended up sort of breaking our own hearts.

The best part of making this was deciding on the underscoring. We tested it with Oasis' "Don't Look Back In Anger," Boyz II Men's "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday," and Poe's "Fly Away." Poe! Remember her? You should buy her records, or something!

For the location of Alabama's Valhalla, click here.

Damn Near Make Your Shit Look Soft Like Pam Grier

2010-05-26T02:17:00.004-05:00

Here's Tim Geithner, in China, taking some motherfuckers to the rack with the impressive array of basketball skills that have some people calling him the Mike Penberthy of Treasury Secretaries. Geithner got his game on at Beijing's Renmin University High School, where it is said that he "made at least two baskets." Hopefully, he had placed several large bets in U.S. Treasury Securities.

End Of An Era

2010-05-26T01:58:00.003-05:00

My friend Sommer Mathis was the last editor I worked under at DCist, and, after a long and virtuous campaign there, is leaving. She departs having left a legacy of milkshakes and steady Quantcast growth in terms of page views over the past two years. She was enormous fun to work with, and I'll always be thankful for her frankly bizarre decision to let me guest edit the site on what would turn out to be my final day at DCist.

Sommer flies now to the Albrittony local venture TBD. Yes, that is what they are calling it, but in fairness, it is 2010 and we have all but run out of names for websites. Gothamist is searching for a new editor, so maybe that's something you'd like to do with your life? I'd recommend it.

That said, it really feels like the time is right for the reign of Monkeyrotica to begin.

Up In The Air

2010-05-25T02:06:00.003-05:00

“Ladies and gentlemen, if your book is not made of paper, please put it down now.”

Man, this must annoy Kindle users to no end. My understanding of the technology involved -- and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong -- is that if you aren't actually using the whispernet or whatever it's called to download a book, the Kindle isn't doing anything more than a digital watch, or an actual book made of paper, to fuck with whatever the plane doesn't want to have fucked.

Ahh, but you try explaining this to a flight attendant.

Everyone Hates Finales

2010-05-25T02:00:00.002-05:00

In what had been billed as "the greatest story ever told," the series finale of the hit show, The Gospel of Jesus Christ aired this evening amid much hype and acclaim. But while early signs point to the conclusion being accepted by the larger audience as a successful conclusion to a story rich with mystery and dense plotting, there are critics who call the ending "contrived," even a cop out.

"I don't envy the task the writers set up for themselves. Bringing such a beloved story to its end couldn't have been easy," said _______________. "They staged an absolutely wonderful, sorrowful death scene, suffused with meaning. I was honestly moved. But from there, they just seemed to tack on a lot of unnecessary plot. I'm afraid I just didn't get the whole resurrection scene. Seemed like a cop-out, to bring the guy back to life like that. And for what? To send his apostles out into the world to teach His word? If those guys needed additional prompting after all they'd been through together, what was the point of it all.

"And then," he continued, "after bringing the guy back from the dead, they just sort of shuffled Him off to the afterlife again, anyway, right? Man, dead or alive, just pick one! It just got exhausting."

Too many hands on the plot may have played a part in the story's indecisiveness. Press accounts throughout the show's last season reveal that while the program's four main showrunners had similar visions of how the story would end, each had a distinct take that may not have been ultimately reconciled. (There are plans to reveal each alternate take as bonus materials on a forthcoming DVD box set.)

It wasn't just the odd ending that left critics feeling cool to the finale. "So many unanswered questions," exclaimed ______________. "The betrayer character was dealt with rather harshly, but could it not be said that the ending would not have happened without him acting the way he did? And I don't really understand the whole 'dying for the sins of mankind' thing. Was this a one-time, world-wide sin mulligan? Did it apply to all future sins from the human race? You have to imagine that in this world they created, a lot of people would just walk around, thinking that they were saved, while others may believe that they have to work for their salvation. It was just really ambiguous."

"To be honest," he continued, "There's something that troubles me even more. I'm sure this wasn't the author's intention, but at the end of the day, I worry that a lot of people are going to just see Jewish people as the bad guys." He sighed, adding, "I hope not. But people just tend to oversimplify."

The network plans to run the Dancing With The Stars results show in the same timeslot next fall.

(That Said, British Petroleum Can Totally Eat A Bag Of Dicks.)

2010-05-23T23:48:00.004-05:00

You know, when the day comes that they finally figure out how to plug that leak in the ocean that all the oil is coming out of (and maybe Jack Shephard will do that, too, with a rock!), I bet half the internet will be all, "Well, that ending sure wasn't satisfying! What about all the unanswered questions? Etc."

BUT WHY HAVEN'T THEY TRIED THAT WHOLE "I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE" TRICK, HUH?

(Tony Soprano died, okay? He's never coming back.)

Oh, yeah.

2010-05-23T23:25:00.001-05:00

Been a while, I know. Hello.

The Pompatus of LOST

2010-05-23T23:04:00.001-05:00

It's funny, when this last season of LOST began, I was certain about what I wanted from it. VERY certain. So much so, that for the better part of this year, I'd have told you that if they ended the show the way they finally decided to end it tonight, I would have declared it a failure.

But by the end of the episode entitled "The Candidate," I just found that I really wanted something entirely different from the show. I had completely changed my mind. I just stopped being bothered by all the things that I worried about, five episodes into this season. I would be all, "How will they explain this? And that?" And my wife would just say, "I have a feeling you'll just need to let that go."

I trust you'll see why that is so funny!

Anyway, well done, LOST. Now, let's see what else is on.

One Person At A Time, We Make The World A Better Place

2010-03-17T17:10:00.002-05:00

R__________: so who is this @molls
R__________: person you mention on twitter
R__________: she's hilarious

Yes. She is.

Fere The Tertel

2010-03-17T14:22:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I saw that study, and thought, "Wow! Eight percent? Banner year, in other words."

That's why I always thought that old Cole Field House tradition -- you know the one, where Maryland fans hold up newspapers when the opposing team's lineups are announced? -- was a particular bit of poor sportsmanship. Obviously, it's disrespectful of Maryland's opponents. But it also sends a clear message to Maryland players. That message: "Ha, ha! None of you dumb motherfuckers know what this thing is!"

That's okay, though, newspapers are dying!

Heard Any Good Rumors Lately?

2010-03-04T20:01:00.002-05:00

Were you wondering how it came to pass that a wild rumor that Chief Justice John Roberts was going to retire from the Supreme Court got published at Radar Online today? I just sort of figured that Radar Online had just coded up millions of pages of crazy rumors in advance -- you know, like, "John Roberts Poised To Retire From Supreme Court," "John Roberts Trampled By Wildebeest," "John Roberts Transforms Into A Magical Pegasus And Flies Off To Save Planet From Cloverfield Monster" -- and that one of the robot-zombies that runs their website BLEEPED when they meant to BLORP and WHAMMO, there's this crazy-fresh rumor that President Obama's gonna get to name a new SCOTUS Justice running amok in the world.

As it turns out, I didn't have this exactly right!

But Where Are Those Good, Old-Fashioned Values, On Which We Used To Rely?

2010-02-18T23:14:00.003-05:00

"My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes."

Oooh, snap! That's from Andrea Fay Friedman. Has Down syndrome. Plays someone with Down syndrome on teevee. And evidently does not need Meg Fucking Stapleton to ghostwrite her opinions.

Some Ideas, Vomited

2010-02-18T20:31:00.004-05:00

Game Change, by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, is a bad book, a meretricious book, a book with questionable sources, a book that cannot be trusted, a small-minded book, a substance-free book, and a book that is -- above all -- deadly dull for anyone who actually covered the events of the 2008 campaign without spending the bulk of their time jacking themselves off. And yet, while all of this is true, it really glosses over the fact that it is one of the most poorly written books you will ever read, in your life.

Over at The Awl, Ana Marie runs down a shit-ton of the awful word-farts that the reader encounters as you descend, downward, into this wreck of the soul. She picks out many of my favorites. "The unfolding scene was a semiotician’s fantasia," for example. Also: "But the truth was, dangling over his head was a sword of Damocles invisible to almost everyone, if no less menacing for that. The blade was in the form of a newspaper article that was threatening to drop any day." That sentence should never have happened, in the 21st century. Go read them all.

And yet, I have to say, my favorite worst sentences in Game Change are not included. Let me rectify that.

from page 37:

"It would be many months before the Clintons gained any awareness of the incipient betrayal of Hillary by her colleagues in the Senate. And then it would hit them like a ton of bricks in their psychic solar plexus."

Yes, well. First, of course, since the second idea doesn't follow from the first, logically, you want a "but soon" instead of an "and then." But that's the least of this sentence's problems. Wouldn't it be sufficient for this betrayal to have merely hit the Clintons like a ton of bricks. But for some reason, something called a "psychic solar plexus" is invented.

This raises questions:

1. What, in the name of all that is fuck, is a "psychic solar plexus?"

2. Why would an extra-cognitive adaptation be located in the abdomen?

3. How could it get hit by a ton of bricks? You would have to be laying under a ton of bricks, or standing in front of some sort cannon, which flings tons of bricks at you.

4. And just so we're clear...it's PSYCHIC?

5. How come your psychic solar plexus didn't forewarn the Clintons of the incipient betrayal? Did the message get lost in the lesser splanchnic nerves on its way to their pre-frontal lobe?

6. Oh, and just so we're clear: ALL OF THE CLINTONS share a SINGLE psychic solar plexus?

7. Did the ton of bricks damage the psychic solar plexus' psychic abilities? And did they even notice, given that they don't seem to have been aware of the psychic ability of the solar plexus they were collectively sharing?

Anyway, this sentence in particular took a steaming shit on the xyphoid process of my mindgrapes. The book should be shot in its dumbassed face.

The Angles Were All Wrong Now

2010-02-16T01:38:00.003-05:00

"Looking at the promotional material, readers of this site will probably recognize signs and symbols used by other pop stars as well. To make it simple: Paramore seems to have been recruited by the Illuminati."

But you knew this already, right? No? Oh, well. For lots more, please read the latest from Tara Ariano.

"The air was shockingly cold, but people didn't seem to mind. They were there to get a glimpse of history, to feel the magic..."

2010-02-11T03:40:00.002-05:00

Hey! I buried a book in the snow, too, assholes!

All That Stuff That Bummed Me Out Ten Years Ago Still Bugs Me Today

2010-01-28T20:05:00.004-05:00

"I'm afraid of people who like Catcher In the Rye. Yeah, I like it, too. But someone, tell me why people he'd despise say, 'I feel like that guy. I don't wanna grow up, because I don't want to die.'"

--Too Much Joy, "William Holden Caulfield"

How This Could Have All Been Avoided, Or, At The Very Least, Made More Interesting

2010-01-19T22:25:00.001-05:00

The Governess: No one is online to discuss the fact that A) America now has it's first legal male prostitute and b) he compares himself to Rosa Parks.

The DCeiver: Is it too late for him to run for the Massachusetts Senate seat?

The Governess: Does Massachusetts really need more "surrogate lady lovers?"

That's a question that sort of answers itself, isn't it?

The Blackhearted Ethos Of Game Change [O.P.M. Version]

2010-01-12T16:37:00.002-05:00

Every child who grew up during the post-atomic era learned that Mother Nature allows for a cruel denouement in the event of the nuclear-enabled mutually-assured destruction of civilization: after every patch of the earth is scorched, only the coprophages shall remain. As I wade further and further into Mark Halperin and John Heilemann's Game Change, and absorb the reporting on the book that I am all but certain shall inevitable render the reading of same as superfluous, it seems pretty clear those same coprophages will have a practiceable model of journalism to follow in the aftermath of the apocalypse.

I quite literally snorted at the first paragraph of this book, which kicks off the "authors' note":

The idea for this book arose in the spring of 2008 out of a pair of firm convictions. The first was that the election we had both been following intensely for more than a year was as riveting and historic a spectacle as modern politics had ever produced. The second was that, despite wall-to-wall media coverage, much of the the story behind the headlines had not been told.

I think it's important to note that these are not "convictions." The first is an entirely conventional and widely-expressed observation on the 2008 race made everyone in the media. The second is nothing more than a one-sentence distillation of this book's marketing campaign.

That said, the authors deserve credit for prominently stating the deeper ethos of their book right from the start. When one opens the cover for the first time, right on the inside of the book jacket, a quote from Barack Obama, circa 2008, is there to greet the reader:

This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it.

So: caveat lector! What you will get from this tome, is the experience of being dragged out to a great, teeming, gossipy Superfund cite of a shitpile, enabled by two authors that have basically allowed anyone willing to offer a juicy put of hearsay, trash-talk, or score-settling to pile on, under the promise that once you are knee-deep in this open-air latrine, it will get interesting. If the book has "convictions," they appear to be: IF YOU LET PEOPLE TALK SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, FREE OF CONSEQUENCE, YOU CAN BE WELL PAID.

Naturally, in this consequence-free environment, Game Change's sources unload. Bill Clinton is said to have indulged in a "a sustained romantic relationship," with which Hillary Clinton's "war room within a war room" had to cope. (For some reason, Halperin and Heilemann extend this supposed paramour to privilege of protecting her identity.) "Rumors" step forward to give Cindy McCain a "long-term boyfriend" as well. And a host of unnamed John Edwards staffers unload on Elizabeth Edwards' inability to remain stoic whilst juggling terminal cancer and her husband's insane infidelities.

The providers of all of this grist are freed by the authors to indulge their basest, high-school desires. In fact, the authors seems to have kept everyone well protected, save the one guy that everyone has been talking about ever since the book got leaked.

The current journalistic debate -- outside of observers such as Glenn Greenwald who take issue with this whole enterprise -- is a small-bore matter, pertaining to whether or not Halperin and Heilemann jacked Harry Reid. Questions have arisen as to whether or not Reid's "Negro dialect" remark was intended for attribution, or offered up on background. Reid has professed that he feels "burned" by the authors, but at the same time, he's confessed to being the source. Halperin and Heilemann establish a set of rules governing how things are attributed and what quotation marks are meant to convey in their authors' note:

Where dialogue is in quotation marks, it comes from the speaker, someone who was present and heard the remark, contemporaneous notes, or transcripts. Where dialogue is not in quotes, it is paraphrased, reflecting only a lack of of certainty on the part of our sources about precise wording, not about the nature of the statements. Where specific thoughts, feelings, or states of mind are rendered in italics, they come from either the person identified or someone to whom she or he expressed those thoughts or feelings directly.

I'm not sure I can fully dispense with all of that without first staging a week-long encounter session with the Poynter Institute, but suffice it to say, by the authors' own rules, every instance of quotation marks alone presents the reader with the challenge of penetrating the sourcing mystery. Here's the Reid statement that the whole world is chewing over:

[Reid] was wowed by Obama's oratorical gifts and believed that the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama -- a "light-skinned" African American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one," as he later put it privately.

Again, everything in quotes could be direct from Reid's mouth. But it also could be from the authors' notepad. It could also be the remembrance of someone who heard the remark. Plus you have co-authors, whispering to one another! What's unequivocal, however, is the whole "as he later put it privately," part. "Privately" definitively excludes the possibility that Reid himself offered those remarks for the purposes of running in a best-selling, widely-reported book.

More perplexing "ground rules" were offered on "Morning Joe," where Heilemann said they had told sources "that [they wouldn't] identify any of our sources as the sources of the material." However, he added, "we said to them all very clearly that if they put themselves in scenes of the book, if they were uttering dialogue to people in the book in part of a scene, that we would identify them as the utterer of those words."

I'm not sure how that's supposed to work! Aren't the authors of the book, not the subjects, constructing the mise-en-scene? At what point does someone speaking on background suddenly transform into someone who's actively placing themselves inside a scene in an as-yet-unwritten book? It's too charitable to simply call this shady.

In today's Politico, Mike Allen and Glenn Thrush back this up:

Harry Reid isn't talkative. But the Senate majority leader chatted freely with the two disarmingly charming book authors who came to his office at the Capitol shortly after the 2008 election.

They -- and their tape recorder -- were soaking in his reminiscences about the wild campaign that had turned a backbencher in his caucus into president of the United States.

Reid wasn't on guard -- perhaps because he'd been told by his staff that the meeting would be "off the record," according to a person with knowledge of the exchange.

And then, the authors seem to indict Halperin and Heilemann:

Maybe Reid and [senior communications director Jim] Manley -- thinking back to their many candid exchanges over the years -- simply assumed that Halperin wouldn't burn him or his boss. Or maybe he expected that Halperin would check back with him on any quotes he planned to use?

Whatever they were thinking, they were wrong.

But then comes this bullshit:

In the second-guessing that followed, Capitol Hill veterans said there was no way that such inflammatory words from a Senate majority leader would remain off the record, even if that had been the arrangement.

That is just absurd. Maybe there are unwritten rules, governing Senate majority leaders, over which a cabal of unnamed "Capitol Hill veterans" keep close watch. But, suffice it to say, inflammatory words spoken under the condition of anonymity are kept secret in Washington all the time. Let's cast our mind back to August 19, 2009, where the Washington Post unleashed an army of unnamed sources to slag the public option:

"I don't understand why the left of the left has decided that this is their Waterloo," said a senior White House adviser, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "We've gotten to this point where health care on the left is determined by the breadth of the public option. I don't understand how that has become the measure of whether what we achieve is health-care reform."

That's a White House advisor, slagging proponents of a wildly popular health care policy component, using the inflammatory rhetoric of Jim DeMint. To date, no one knows who said this. But I bet a lot of people would really love to know.

And, as Glenn Greenwald points out, it would sure be useful to know the anonymous sources who falsely claimed that the Christmas Crotchfire bomber bought a one-way ticket, who falsely claimed that released GITMO detainees were behind that attack, who falsely claimed that the recidivism rate of GITMO detainees is higher than it is in reality, who falsely claimed that important al Qaeda leaders were killed in airstrikes, and who formed the basis of erroneous reports about Iraq's non-existent WMD program, the heroics of Jessica Lynch, and the death of Pat Tillman. That's the thing about unnamed sources: beyond their inflammations, they tend to get things wrong and they tend to tell lies.

Game Change, we remind you, is chock-a-block with unnamed sources!

I think that the sad thing is that I'd like reporters to do more to penetrate all of the veils that political figures throw up in front of themselves. I hate being bullshitted! And the newshole is only too accomodating to people who want to tell tales out of school. Why aren't the people who spread the falsehoods and the inflammations I listed getting burned?

The reason for this is simple. In journalistic circles, true currency doesn't come from holding people to accounts. What's treasured instead are the ability of a reporter to accrue a stable of well-placed sources that can make the individual reporter look like a real player among the elite media. Let's remember that all Game Change is is 400-pages of two-year old campaign gossip. THERE WERE PEOPLE ON CONFERENCE CALLS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT! And you are meant to be impressed with the reporters who amassed all of this stuff. Naturally, the stuff that gets the attention of the newshole is the anonymous venom.

It's all in the service of utter, black venality. I am honestly depressed to be have so much of this book yet to read. My only comfort is that I wasn't the one who chose to masticate, digest, and regurgitate this shit in the first place.

Prior, Ironic, Engagements

2010-01-05T20:38:00.003-05:00

The kids from n+1 are having a "group discussion" on gentrification tonight, but I'm missing it because I had previously made plans to attend the NRA's "Oh, Did You Hear, We Like Guns, And Also Shooting Those Guns" forum, instead.

Anyway, among other things, they'll be talking about "the way gentrification is itself being changed...by our acquiescence and our resistance." But mostly by their acquiescence, obvs.

More Cowbell

2010-01-04T22:16:00.003-05:00

Nobody's more excited about the Fiesta Bowl than the Boise State band. I tell you: this is college football at its most perfunctory.

Here's video:

Southern Bellolcats

2009-12-05T20:25:00.004-05:00

Hi!

2009-11-17T20:40:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah. Insert standard apology for not blogging here in forever. I'm a little stunned that, like, 100 of you are still checking in every day! There's some good stuff on teevee, and whatnot, but, thanks. Anyway, am recharging. Will return soon! It won't matter much, either way.

Anyway, reminder: Here I am, six days a week. And: like everyone else.

Yea, verily, I have been sorely tempted, but I have not tumblred.

Clippy

2009-10-14T21:12:00.003-05:00

"What up? It looks like you are writing a suicide note for your party's chances! Need help formatting?"

Peripheral Vision

2009-10-03T21:33:00.003-05:00

Yeah. You ever do that thing where you glance over some written words, and you become convinced that they say one thing, and you say, "What the fuck? Does it really say that?" And you look back, and it doesn't? Just happened to me, with this:
At first glance, I was convinced the word "roots" was "robots." Which really, is the only way this story could be more interesting.

Actually, look at the expression on Ahmadinejad's face. I bet he does have some Jewish robots. This will be his undoing.

The Uplift Kid A Party Plan

2009-09-30T01:01:00.003-05:00

The Awl's Dave Bry says that Thom Yorke and Flea have somehow gotten it into their heads that they should form a band together, you know, before the world ends in accordance with the ancient Mayan calendar. But they're such different musicians! Polar opposites! Strange bedfellows! Yeah, yeah, so, what happens is they meet in the middle, and voila: Coldplay. Only spelled with a "K," because, you know, freaky styley.

In other news, you fucking know you'd love to hear what Thom Yorke would do with "True Men Don't Kill Coyotes." Don't you even fucking lie to me.

LOLJoes

2009-09-10T01:51:00.002-05:00

Various folks on the interwebs submit the following:

Watch As I Say Something Nice About Pitchfork

2009-09-09T22:49:00.002-05:00

Say what you want about Pitchfork, but at least they did not post an article that listed the 100 best indie rock jams that Jaycee Dugard missed out on while being imprisoned and forced to bear children for the past twenty years.

Joe Wilson: Presidential Nemesis

2009-09-09T21:56:00.005-05:00

As you probably know by now, during tonight's health care reform address, President Obama ran afoul of Joe Wilson, who called out, "You lie!" during the speech. Lots of people are pissed at Wilson: the Democratic leadership, John McCain. It's a big mess and a real embarrassment.

All eyes on Obama, now. Hopefully, he won't try to get backsies on Joe Wilson by outing his wife as a covert CIA agent.

A Message To The Shorteez.

2009-09-08T01:02:00.001-05:00

Hi, children of America. I am this obscure person who writes a daffy liveblog online, for money. I understand that some or all of you might be going back to school this week. To those of you who will be attending the same middle school I attended, I am sorry. That place truly sat on the nexus of Hades and what were probably several Indian burial grounds, such was the daily horror of that awful, oval shaped, suburban cesspool.

As many of you know, President Barack Obama is going to be addressing you this coming Tuesday. He'll be saying some generic platitudes that you've probably heard before, and suggesting some homework that you won't do. He'd like you to learn and succeed, probably. But many of you won't be seeing it because a number of slavering idiot fools have raised a hue and cry premised on the notion that the President will, in one hours time, succeed in converting you into Communist arson-zombies, and the adults who run many of your school systems are craven, gutless, pieces of piffle who literally have no intention of ever doing right by you if it threatens to cost them anything.

I mean, that's truly pathetic. We are truly pathetic. And we're leaving you a pretty pathetic world to grow up in. We are incapable of facing any challenge, until it's way too late, and then, even when we fix it, we refuse to learn from our mistakes and do anything about it. This financial crisis you may have heard about is a great example. Adults cocked up the entire world, chasing after magical rewards in a greed fantasia. We very nearly caused Western civilization to explode, poured about a kabillion dollars into the fires of Mordor to stave off an eruption, and have learned NOTHING from the experience.

Or health care. This is a can we've kicked down the road for nearly a generation, lying to each other all the way. Currently, we have a group of people saying insane lies about how giving Americans proper health care is Satanic and bad, and another group of people who are just too terrified to do the right thing. I don't know how long this reform debate has to go, but I'll make a confident prediction: something will pass, and it will be utter, useless junk.

Sorry, kids. That's the story. We, the adults in your life, are, as I've already said, complete cock-ups.

Kids, like the President will probably tell you in his Tuesday speech -- that you will probably have to watch on YouTube, instead of in the manner it was originally intended, because the adults in your life are useless -- I, too, want you to strive and stay in school and do your homework and make good grades and learn as much as you can. But there's something else I need you to do. Something only you can do! And that is to hold all of us useless, disgusting cock-ups responsible.

This school year, wherever you go, whether it's school or your neighborhood or the grocery store or an afterschool activity, I want all of you kids to promise me that whenever you encounter an adult, that you will walk up to them, get their attention, point right at them and simply say to them, "I blame you." Then just walk away. Say nothing more. Do nothing else. Begin with your parents and move onward and outward, to every adult in your life. Don't discriminate between gender or color, age or station. If you see me, I want you to do the same thing. It shall make me very, very proud of you. Not that you should care about that. We are arrant knaves all. Believe none of us.

That's it. I have no further advice to give you. You shall be inheriting one large turd sandwich of a world. I'm so sorry.

At Play In The Fields Of Health Care Reform

2009-08-27T02:21:00.002-05:00

In case you missed it, last night I returned to my alma mater to attend one of these insane health care reform town halls. I went with Liz Glover of the Washington Times and Jim Newell of Wonkette. Jim filed the official pool report. I got to stare into the eyes of anti-abortion whack job Randall Terry, and find them unimpressive. Terry did not bother to bring along fried chicken and beer, as he has for his crackpotty appearances at the National Press Club and the like, so, really, what good was he, anyway?

The crowd was largely in favor of health care reform, and the portion that wasn't was largely against having things explained to them, the application of logic, rudimentary reasoning, and demonstrating the sort of breeding that does not take place near a slaughterhouse. They were very much in favor of large groups of American citizens crawling off into the woods to die, for freedom. The joke's on them though! The woods in Reston are studded with well-appointed bike paths!

Representative Jim Moran demonstrated the celebrated stage presence and rampant charisma he is best known for, by which I mean he droned and droned, endlessly, senselessly, seemingly under the impression that there was someone in the room who was a bona fide fencesitter who just needed some facts to make up their minds. My favorite part was when he attempted to debunk eleven -- ELEVEN! -- internet myths about health care reform for the crowd. Because on this day, at South Lakes High School, destiny had written that it would finally be Jim Moran who would defeat the internet. It was insanely fruitless, and I wanted to vote for cloture SO BAD.

Anyway, there was much yelling, and not a few LaRouchies, pimping racist nonsense. At least they weren't at the DMV, where people are at there most vulnerable and susceptible to cult programming. There was also a Jamaican guy outside with a "Bush/Cheney '04" poster, who travelled forward in time from the past via Jah to warn everyone of all the bumbaclot health care. Plus, I hear the Klan put literature under people's windshield wipers, so, GOOD TIMES.

We really did go to Chili's which really is something of a shitshow. Everything on the menu is bottomless or kickin' or slammin'. It was hard to distinguish actual food from entrees that advertised themselves as culinary mixed-martial arts that could be unleashed against an unsuspecting colon. Nevertheless, it felt like the appropriate venue to decompress from all the affluent suburbanites yelling at one another.

Anyway, now I've been to one of these Town halls that are so hot right now.

I Hope They Serve Cliches In Hell

2009-08-27T00:28:00.003-05:00

Here's the part of Gawker's review of the crapulent Tucker Max movie that stands out in my mind:

The best character in the film is Tucker's friend Drew, because he looks like he was just dropped in from another movie, and can't wait to get back. Drew is a misanthropic video game nerd who goes to strip club and meets a hot stripper who is also a video game nerd and falls for him and they rush home and sleep together and Drew instantly bonds with her son and they become a couple immediately. This is as close to a plausible male-female interaction sequence as this movie gets.

Wait. You mean this twat's movie is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl Movie?! For. Fuck's. Sake.

Amanda Mattos, Your Birthday Is This Weekend, Right?

2009-08-20T20:59:00.003-05:00

You know, just wondering what to get the woman who has everything...

I like how it ends with "The End," so that you know the compelling narrative is over.

[Via Max Silvestri]

Even Supremer Navel Gazing

2009-08-20T00:10:00.003-05:00

Amanda writes:

when i eat asparagus hot, i far prefer the stalks to the heads. when i eat asparagus cold, however, it's just the opposite.

When I eat asparagus hot, or cold, my pee smells funny.

Your move, Mattos.

If "The Velvet Hammer" Is A Dance Move, I Am SO Watching Dancing With The Stars This Season

2009-08-19T19:34:00.006-05:00

As you may have heard, former Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay is going to compete on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Having never seen the show, I can't properly assess Delay's prospects. Obviously, if gerrymandering is essential to winning this show, Delay should fare well. However, if the grand prize is a big bowl of cocaine, he will almost certainly lose to fellow Texan and former Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Michael Irvin. Or none of this will happen!

Delay's former communications director, Emily Miller, is nonetheless bullish on her former boss's chances, and yesterday, she made some bold predictions, telling MSNBC's Carlos Watson that Delay is "taking it very seriously":

MILLER: He's going to go far. He is no longer "The Hammer." He's going to be the Velvet Hammer. He's going to be two-stepping his way across America. And I predict he will go far. I don't know if he's going to go all the way to the finals, but he's definitely going to go farther than Tucker Carlson.

The Velvet Hammer? Right away I'm thinking, "Oh, my. That is going to infringe on so many pornographers' copyrights." But just a few minutes later, Andy Levy of Fox News' Red Eye tipped me to this entry in the Urban Dictionary.

Yeah. I'd say that's definitely going a LOT farther than Tucker Carlson.

Co-Oprophilia

2009-08-19T19:28:00.002-05:00

What does the term "health care co-op" mean to me? I'm very glad that I have given myself the opportunity to answer that question! What I hear the word "co-op," I imagine a situation in which a group of well-meaning people, having identified a need in their community, address that need with good intentions and available institutional know-how, combining these two ingredients to make a product that's not quite as good as either one.

But it's totally like RURAL ELECTRIFICATION and junk! Maybe we could have outhouses, too!

Anyway, this, and that.

Highlights From Hill Hotties, 2009

2009-07-29T10:06:00.000-05:00

What you are looking for is here.

I'm Feeling Thankful For The Small Things Today

2009-07-28T01:55:00.002-05:00

To Sleep, Perchance To Suddenly Stop Breathing And Die, Gurgling On Your Own Hot Snot

2009-07-14T23:49:00.003-05:00

So, yesterday night, I did a "sleep study" at the Arlington Hospital. What does all that mean? Well, if you were "studying" this topic: Can the DCeiver sleep, at all, with thirty wires and electrodes glued to his body, which pop off everytime I change position, on a stiff bed, with no wife or kitty cats? The answer is no. NO FURTHER STUDY NECESSARY. STUDY IS COMPLETE. Did you answer "NO" on the final exam? Congratuations, you graduate, pop Cristal.

As I told my friend Tracy S., I did the study because I (or actually wife of DCeiver, who hears me at night) was worried that I might have sleep apnea. So I went to Arlington Hospital WHERE THERE IS NO WIRELESS INTERNET and got studded up with electrodes and wires, and they were like, OKAY SLEEP LIKE NORMAL. Which was impossible, because wires kept coming off during the night and they guy would come in and redo them. It was like work. Everytime I woke up I looked at my cell phone for the time because I just wanted it to end. It finally did at about 5:30am.

My lab tech was awesome. He was a brooding Satanist who was sad that Michael Jackson's life force had been extinguished and that the world was a sorrier place for the absence of his talent. At length, he explained how there would be no black metal without MJ, so, if I ever find myself in some sort of doctorate-level cultural studies program being taught by Sasha Frere-Jones, I have my dissertation all ready to go.

Anyway, I don't know yet if I have sleep apnea and need one of those masks, yet. Hopefully not. I'm not worried, though, Andrew Sullivan makes those masks look like sex on cinnamon toast.

In Related News, Vinny Cerrato Is Still An Ass-Pump

2009-07-14T23:11:00.002-05:00

Blogging About Not Blogging Is The New Blogging About Blogging

2009-07-14T22:57:00.003-05:00

Hello. Yes. We at The DCeiver are back to once again break new ground in apologizing for not blogging on a blog that no one but spam bots read, apparently. So, there you go. Attention will be paid in coming days to put content here. NOT GOOD CONTENT, MIND YOU! But something. Think of this as a Tumblr without "tumbularity" or whatever they call it.

Anyway, it's not like you can't read me elsewhere, like many others. Here is Eat The Press, to bookmark. Or you can RSS the everloving shit out of me, here. You can follow me on Twitter and stuff. I do Crappy Hour on Jezebel with Megan Carpentier every Wednesday morning. And me and Ana Marie Cox make fun of the White House Flickr Feed from time to time on The Awl, who have a lot of great writers if you don't like Ana Marie and I making dick jokes about our President.

And yeah, whatever happens here happens. Don't force it, baby. Let it come.

Dana Milbank To Whisper At The Dicks Of Hundreds Of Lobbyists, At Katherine Weymouth's House, For $$$!!!

2009-07-03T00:41:00.004-05:00

You know, whenever I try to point out how, in Washington, DC, the line between "edit meeting" and "cocktail party" has become blurred to the point of ridiculousness, there's never a shortage of people who'll line up and tell me how cynical I am. But from time to time, I get to issue a big fat, "Suck it!" and one of those days is today! YAY FOR ME!

Serenity Now

2009-07-01T20:42:00.003-05:00

One day, Americans will get to the point where they stop, dead in their tracks, and with a single voice ask one question: "What would happen if the staff of Reason magazine suddenly became cowboy grifters who speak Pidgin Chinese and fly around the universe in busted up spaceships?" Then, at long last, Firefly will get the recognition it deserves.

What My Wife And I Argued About Tonight

2009-07-01T00:02:00.003-05:00

DCeiver: You know what I don't understand?

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: Sting.

Wife of DCeiver: Sting?

DCeiver: Sting. The sword Frodo uses in the Lord Of The Rings. It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: It's not dumb.

DCeiver: It's dumb.

Wife of DCeiver: Why is it dumb.

DCeiver: Think about it. It GLOWS when orcs are near.

Wife of DCeiver: That's not dumb, that's useful.

DCeiver: That's not useful, it's lethal.

Wife of DCeiver: It warns you if orcs are near.

DCeiver: No. It's dark. You have Sting out. It glows. Orcs are also in the dark. They see Sting glowing. They come and kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: What if it's not dark.

DCeiver: It still glows! It glows. Motherfuckers see it glow. Orcs come, they kill you.

Wife of DCeiver: You can put the sword in its sheath, nobody sees it.

DCeiver: Great, then, orcs find you some other way, your dumbass sword is SHEATHED, they kill you because your sword isn't out. Your sword isn't out, because it fucking glows.

Wife of DCeiver: Well, when it glows, you can say, "Woah, better get out of here."

DCeiver: Then it shouldn't be a weapon.

Wife of DCeiver: What?

DCeiver: It shouldn't be a sword! If the swords most useful function is to tell you when to run away, it's not much of a sword. It's like, a sword that totally pussies out of fighting orcs.

Wife of DCeiver: Dude, talk to the elves.

Also, why are indestructible ring-wraiths afraid of fire? Never made any sense to me.

Great Moments In Oratory

2009-06-25T00:58:00.002-05:00

Years from now, surely Mark Sanford's "Oration on the Vicissitudes of Having a Mistress in Latin America That You Go to See Every Once in a While, and Then There's That Time Everyone Finds Out About It, Hoo Boy, What A Mess, Sorry Tom Davis," will be as studied a piece of public speaking as Cicero's speeches against Catiline.

I'll Show You My Fanny

2009-06-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, been a while. Sorry.

We Got It Right.

2009-06-11T20:53:00.001-05:00

Symbology.

2009-06-10T00:55:00.004-05:00

Also: The Kansas clinic closing means the loss of an abortion clinic. But, yeah, it's tough to lose a great symbol like that.

An Important Consideration

2009-06-10T00:48:00.002-05:00

I still think it's worth reminding people that the same people who continually deny the District the rights of representation are the same people who continually insist that District residents arm themselves to the teeth. So, as oppressors go, these are people who won't be going down in history as being particularly intelligent.

Mais le dernier mot est-il dit? L’espérance doit-elle disparaître? La défaite est-elle définitive? Non!*

2009-06-10T00:19:00.005-05:00

So, today was sad news for voting rights advocates in the District of Columbia, as the DC Voting Rights Act is, for the time being, dead or comatose. Steny Hoyer said that it was a "blot on our democracy," but that GOVERNMENTING IS HARD and WAAAAH. Here's a run down of various people saying that the fight will go on and it's disappointing and some high-faluting shit from Kwame Brown.

Whatever. I think that the era of being nice about this shit needs to end. DC, isn't it time that the city started doling out some goddamn consequences to the motherless shitstains that keep blocking your representation? I think this cause has come just about as far as it can with everyone being genial and hopeful. I think we need DCist to run down a list of all the DC Vote obstructionists and start revoking some DC privileges wholesale. Name names, start handing out photo arrays and start making life problematic for these people who, for the forseeable future, have to try to make a go of it here, for their vaunted career in politics.

The people who have worked to undermine this vote need to basically be met at the District line with a clear message - YOUR ASS IS SHUT DOWN. Restaurants need to refuse to serve these bitches. Cab drivers need to pass them by. Ticket their cars, refuse to serve them, wait on them, do business with them, assist them, and serve them in any capacity. And residents should shower these errant Congresscritters with scorn, and/or feces.

Anyway, this would at least make for an entertaining summer. So go take out your frustrations on the Pétainist scum, Washington, and get the representation you deserve.

*Technically, I'm eight days early.

Boehnanza

2009-06-09T01:39:00.001-05:00

Hmmm. I don't know. Seems like they've pretty much decided on "cowboy."

Meet You In The Breadline, Comrades!

2009-06-09T01:14:00.003-05:00

Via Andrew Sullivan, here's a look at the socialism that Sarah Palin has been warning you about, because she can see it from her porch or some shit:

Yeah, so, it goes like this. First, they came for $82.3 billion, and I said nothing, because FUCK DUDE, we still had $39.2 trillion, and yeah, I was like, "WOO, POP SOME CRISTAL UP IN THIS PIECE!" and anyway, did you know we are using some of that money to make another Final Destination sequel? It's TRUE, we are, and yeah, I'D LOVE TO SEE CAPITALISM EXPLAIN THAT.

Tool.

2009-06-09T00:56:00.004-05:00

Gah. This guy. I was sort of wondering what Dana Milbank was doing now that Jonathan Weisman wasn't around to fight his battles for him. Turns out he's just straight up walkin' around with another man's underpants on his head and telling media bloggers about it, because this is what grown-ass men with gravitas do now, because of the recession.

The lesson learned at WaPo editorial cartoonist Tom Toles' summer party this weekend was definitely- if Dana Milbank is invited to a party at your house, make sure your wardrobe's locked and your laundry's hidden.

The Post's "wiseguy," as described in Yeas & Nays ran around the house with a pair of Toles' very own tighty-whities over his jeans and even waved a pair over his head on the dance floor.

Even funnier- Toles says this isn't the first time his underwear drawers' were raided by Milbank. Last year, he apparently stole every single pair of his drawers and decorated Toles' office with them.

Back when I was at VCU, there was a guy in our department who stole peoples' underwear. The police were called. They literally found hundreds of pairs of underwear in his dorm room. Friends of mine actually had to go and identify their stolen underwear. SORT OF CATCHING THE SAME VIBE.

Anyway, this is your regularly updated guide to Dana Milbank's coping mechanisms. And now, here's a video, from Our Friend Liz Glover, that will never get old, ever.

I Feel Alive For The First Time, Each Sip Hits My Lip Like A Landmine

2009-06-09T00:43:00.004-05:00

Excuse me, Will Leitch, am I to understand that Rick Ankiel has made a red wine?

Your DCeiver Guide To Tomorrow's Democratic Primary

2009-06-08T19:59:00.005-05:00

What up, Virginia. Let me break it down for you. If you love me at all, you will not allow this rum-soaked, giggly-ass, shit for brains win tomorrow's gubernatorial primary. Do we understand each other? And Arlington, let's put a lid on this Laura Sessions Stepp-loving cheese puff Miles Grant, as well. KTHXBAI.

Megan Carpentier's Legs Are Likely To Be Tired

2009-06-02T00:41:00.004-05:00

In the dream I had last Friday night, there was a moment when I called Megan Carpentier on my cell phone because I had to make an inquiry, "Megan, I'm in your apartment, and I need to know where you keep your extra clip."

Yes. My subconscious believes that Megan owns a Sig-Sauer P220 Super Match. I don't remember much more of the dream, but I'm guessing it was pretty exciting.

Brief Afterthought On That Last Post About The Karate Chopping Racist Nutbag Marcus Epstein

2009-06-02T00:12:00.003-05:00

Whilst looking at George Allen's wikipedia entry, I happened to notice this factoid:

Allen graduated in 1970 from Palos Verdes High School, where he was a member of the falconry club and the car club. He was also quarterback of the varsity football team.

It's worth mentioning, that as bad as it is for racists to be walking around the streets of DC karate chopping people, just imagine how much more fucked up it would be if they were coming at you with some goddamned trained falcons. Seriously! That would be some shit, right there.

Black Belt

2009-06-01T23:50:00.003-05:00

So my favorite story of the day is the one reported on by Dave Weigel, and it goes a little something like this:

For years, conservative writer and activist Marcus Epstein has worked with the mainstream of the immigration restrictionist movement. He wrote speeches for former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) during his presidential bid, and he’s still working as the executive director of Tancredo’s Team America PAC, alongside Bay Buchanan. Epstein has been targeted for years by civil rights groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center and the One People’s Project, who have obtained Epstein’s guilty plea to a hate crime he committed two years ago.

From the U.S. Attorney’s factual proffer:

On July 7, 2007, at approximately 7:15 p.m. at Jefferson and M Street, Northwest, in Washington, D.C., defendant was walking down the street making offensive remarks when he encountered the complainant, Ms. [REDACTED], who is African-American. The defendant uttered, “Nigger,” as he delivered a karate chop to Ms. [REDACTED]’s head.

Jesus. I love the casualness of the description. Yeah, he was just cold walkin' down the street, you know, JUST MAKING OFFENSIVE REMARKS AND WHAT NOT, and the motherfucker thought, "Word, I'm going to self-actualize, here, and straight up KARATE CHOP A WOMAN, and what not." BECAUSE SATURDAY NIGHTS ALRIGHT FOR KARATE CHOPPING PEOPLE. Nutlog! Apparently, Bay Buchanan was all, "THIS WAS TWO WHOLE YEARS AGO!" Right! Marcus Fuckjam Epstein hadn't yet reached the Age of Reason, which, for Tancredo supporters, is probably somewhere around 62 years old or something.

Anyway, Bay Buchanan suggested that the Young Master Shaolin Kung-Fu Epstein was going to put this all behind him next year, at the University of Virginia Law School. I'm pleased to report that QUICKLY CAME THE KIBOSH.

Jason Wu Trujillo, UVA's Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid, now says Epstein will not enroll this fall, or ever.

What can I say? A lot has changed at UVa. Why, time was your average racist dickpootle not only was able to find a home at UVa. Law, they'd let you quarterback the football team as well!

Anyway, whatever, now Epstein will have to go get his law degree from Regent College, like Monica Goodling and all those other fakety fake McFake lawyers, the end.

Dress For Suck-cess

2009-05-29T00:57:00.002-05:00

This commercial has been on teevee a few times tonight and I've watched it in rapt fascination, because WTF? Is this supposed to be a deep satire of consumerism I'm missing? The one lady is set upon by a group of other ladies, who want to stage an "intervention" and keep their friend from buying overpriced clothes, or something. But is it just me, or is this passel of would-be interventionists NOT wearing clothing that looks as if they've crash-landed on the set of Desperately Seeking Susan Or Some Other Nightmare Memory of the 1980s. I mean, that is some fugly-ass casualwear, right? Right?

Memorial Day Financial Meltdown Blogging

2009-05-25T14:49:00.002-05:00

One sees immediately that the credit crisis is also a crisis of hegemony. To believe credit can be extended and repaid is to believe that the U.S.-led geopolitical order can continue to expand, that the globe can be sewn together even more totally. This particular belief is the state religion, and it's going the way of Mithraism and the gold standard. It is the end of an empire, and it is a better reason to celebrate than is a presidential election.

Meanwhile we are told that we must make this final round of expenditures because what is ending is not our empire, but the world - the end of history with a vengeance. What is on offer is the apocalypse itself, or rather, a defensive spell against it. We are getting nothing for $700 billion but promised protection from systemic failure, a threat issued hour by hour on the news, by polticians and economists. We are made to purchase end-of-the-world insurance, but may sell nothing onward. It's an apocalypse bubble. It smells like nitroglycerin.

--Joshua Clover, "Notes On The Meltdown," THE BELIEVER, Jan. 09.

Scientists Are Saying The Future Is Going To Be Far More Futuristic Than They Originally Predicted.

2009-05-16T14:03:00.003-05:00

Foster Kamer compares the symbiotic relationship between Drudge and Politico to Roland and Ronald Taverner from Southland Tales, a movie that famously, only I liked. READ THE COMIC BOOKS FIRST, Y'ALL: it will make ~~slightly more sense~~ slightly less not sense.

Politico and Drudge have a symbiotic relationship, like those small fish that suck the bacteria off the bigger fish: the bigger fish gets cleaned, and the small fish gets fed, but really, one's getting rid of shit and the other's eating it. Matt Drudge needs Politico to break stories. Politico needs Drudge to link to their stories. And this has got to more or less be the mutant-psychic peak of their relationship: Politico breaks a story on Drudge, for Drudge to link to. It's Drudge's favorite kind of story, because he gets to flatter himself and take the cognitive dissidence route into thinking he was banned for being a badass, by the Government! He links to it, and Politico gets the hits on the story.

For those who were fortunate enough to not have to sit through Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly's so-bad-it's-good apocalyptic fetish dream Southland Tales, the movie ends when (SPOILER ALERT!) Seann William Scott shakes the hand of Seann William Scott, playing his clone-via-time-travel double. Stiffler meeting Stiffler rips a hole in the time-space fabric of the universe, and the credits start rolling over a Moby song or something. This is kind of like that, except the world goes on and all we have left to show for it is a news cycle that just made us all slightly stupider people. The upside to all of this is that we've seen through the other side of the fourth dimension, and we finally know what it looks like.

In the movie, then, this is the scene where a hole in the universe opens up to reveal the Drudge siren.

I guess, by extension, Mike Allen is the Justin Timberlake character:

Pushin' That Candy, Drinkin' That Brandy

2009-05-15T00:21:00.003-05:00

ACT ONE:

The Governess: Things i will do before i die: become a rappers girlfriend. Seriously, they stay in the StL Four Seasons all the time? And I becoming accustomed to this lifestyle?

The DCeiver: Are you in Saint Louis?

The Governess: Yes, indeed.

The DCeiver: And yes, Nelly is from there. As are all the St. Lunatics! Nelly got thrown out of the Union Station Mall once for wearing a bandanna!

The Governess: I have BEEN to the union station mall! Not this trip, but.... I dunno, before! I did not get thrown out.

The DCeiver: I have too!

The Governess: Alas. Cards are in town tomorrow as i leave. So sad.

The DCeiver: TRUE STORY. I went there on a company retreat.

The Governess: sweeeeeet

The DCeiver: And we had many beers. And playing outside were THE KNACK!

The Governess: I am drunk now! I already love this story!

The DCeiver: Fronted by John "Missing You" Waite, for reasons I never fully understood, or maybe i was JUST THAT DRUNK!!

The Governess: YESSSSSS

The DCeiver: And it was like, WOO! GATEWAY ARCH! ST. LOUIS CARDINALS! And the Knack, I guess!

The Governess: Woot. i am sepnding my time here thinking of implausialbe situations in whichi would have a French lesbian affair and drunkenly adding hotel employees to my linkedin. OMG WATCH OUT WORLD! OMG WATCH OUT SHARONA! Wooot fried ravioli and comped alcohol in my room every night.

The DCeiver: We spent the rest of the trip in conference rooms, and it TOTALLY sucked.

The Governess: Conference rooms are my life. So, yes

The DCeiver: It sounds like you are having more fun, though!

The Governess: The Four Seasons leaves wine in your rooom every night with snacks.

The DCeiver: OMG, that airport! It goes on and on forever, with moving sidewalks!

The Governess: So, yes. The nights are delightful. I drink and listen to Blur real loud and etc, and eat choc covered strabwerries and think about rappers.

The DCeiver: That sounds like paradise.

The Governess: it is, its pretty much heaven

The DCeiver: It's like you are the star of your own MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS.

The Governess: here, meet me in st louis: i can see the Casino Queen from my room and am drunk and everyone here is FRENCH for some reason? The french stalk me! OK so thats not heaven, it's just fact.

The DCeiver: That is strange!

The Governess: but whatevs willing to overlook

[...]

The DCeiver: Have you ever watched MEET ME IN St. LOUIS and thought to yourself: "This would be a lot better if Judy Garland starting singing "Country Grammar?" I bet you are now!

The Governess: YES I WAS JUST THINKING THAT! SOmewhat related to that idea: my room overlooks sexy rappers using the jacuzzi, People on the Pool Terrace Having Affairs, the Arch, and the Rams stadium that i dont remember what it's called. The remake of MMIStL will be so much awesomer. Suck it Garland! Visit the new version of yr movie in MY MINDGRAPES!

The DCeiver: MEET ME IN EAST ST. LOUIS.

The Governess: YEEEESSSSS! Hahahah. Yes

The DCeiver: By Aaron MacGruder.

The Governess: Ha! I will have cartoon fro. It will be awesome. My chocolate covered strawberries in my room have sprinkles. I am not made of steel. St. L. marry me?

The DCeiver: HAHA.

The Governess: Okay, i need to go drunkenly sign hotel catering orders. Take care DC.

The DCeiver: Have a good night!!

Act Two:

Amanda Mattos: Oh my god! "Milton Green Milton Green Milton Greeeeeeeeeeen!"

The DCeiver: "I'm one of the drunk ones!" HA, know who is right now, totally one of the drunk ones, for real?

Amanda Mattos: The G?

The DCeiver: HAHAHA!!! YES.

Somewhere In The Multiverse, There's A Parallel America Missing It's Gigantic Socio-Political Turning Point

2009-05-14T23:46:00.004-05:00

Dude! Look what happened when Catherine Andrews went to Manhattan on the teevee! FREAKAFIED!

Also, in that universe, Barack Obama just reversed his decision to release photos of the Joy Joy Unicorn Orgy. It's all true! Even the Catherine Andrews part, let's say!

[via.]

In Dreams You're Mine, Awl Of The Time

2009-05-12T23:30:00.004-05:00

Here's an achievement Choire and Alex's new website can take pride in: Last night, The Awl made an appearance in one of my infamous half-in-and-half-out of sleep, blittery-jittery anxiety dreams. I forget how, and why, but in this spastic brain vibration of mine I had cause to look up and stare at some entry posted to the site. The irony is: maybe my unconscious mind was reading a brilliant monetization strategy, probably one that involves beaming the site directly into the agitated minds of a restless, angst-ridden nation. The Awl thus sets a new record as far "Time it took from launch to worm its way into my subconsciousness," supplanting the previous honoree, Kausfiles.

The LOLian Web

2009-05-10T22:36:00.002-05:00

Honestly, this is the funniest thing you will find at the nexus of politics and the new Star Trek movie:

Can you imagine if Star Trek was actually conservative? It would go something like this:
“Captain, the Romulans are about to fire on the starbase, what should we do?”
Kirk: “Cut taxes!”

Prelude To A CNBC Hit: A Lamentation On Modern Times In Two Acts

2009-05-09T01:17:00.004-05:00

Act One.

[in a cab, 17th and R Streets, NW]

[pause]

CABBIE: They talk, there.

[pause]

DCEIVER: I'm sorry. What?

[The cabbie motions toward the police, congregating on the corner outside Steam Cafe]

CABBIE: They talk, there. And people die, elsewhere. Always.

[pause]

DCEIVER: So. That's the way this night is going to go, I gather?

----------

ACT TWO:

[in a cab, later, near Mount Vernon Square]

[silence]

[The Cabbie turns on the radio. "Superman (It's Not Easy)," by Five For Fighting plays.]

CABBIE: [softly and plaintively hums along]

[pause]

DCEIVER: Really? I'm sorry, but you are the least serious fatalist I've met today.

FIN.

The Transcendentalist Economy

2009-05-09T01:10:00.003-05:00

The hedge funders throw in the towel:

"After a great deal of soul-searching and quite frankly agony, they concluded they just don't have critical mass to withstand the enormous pressure and machinery of the U.S. government," a lawyer representing the group told Bloomberg.

Left unanswered: did the "great deal of soul searching" actually turn up any souls? Or was this like, you know, Race For The Cure?

Working On The Night Cheese

2009-05-07T01:05:00.006-05:00

Pictured above, on the stylish finger of my editor, Rachel, is a little, plastic toy rat that you can wear on your finger. But it's not just any rat!

Word! It's a PARTY RAT, y'all! PARTY RATS in the hizzy! Colorful rodent lights for your fingers, just like the marketplace has always begged for! What, pray tell, turns the foul and rabid rats that scurry around the alley behind Felix into a PARTY RAT? First you make them finger-sized. Then you give them a bright color. Next you attach an elastic strap, so you can wear it on your digit. And finally, you insert a tiny, but bright LED light in their nose, which you can turn on and off. Presto! MOTHERFUCKIN PARTY RAT!

As you can see, the little guy gets plenty bright! And you know what that makes it perfect for?

NIGHT BLOGGING! At last the possibilities of BLOGGING AT NIGHT are opened to a world that has long dreamed of it! Thanks, PARTY RATS!

Let The Tiny Violins Play

2009-05-07T00:48:00.002-05:00

Why is it so impossible to sympathize with some people?

We've got TV pundits and op-ed columnists splitting hairs over the legal definition of torture versus the moral implications its use could have on America's oh so white bread image that the more naive amongst us think is accepted as the gospel by those in foreign countries.

None of these people know what torture is.

If you want to know what torture is, call up a GM bondholder.

O-KAY. I'm going to stop you right there. Because seriously, that's not helping you.

Pigs In Zen

2009-05-07T00:41:00.002-05:00

The Governess: how did i not know this? how did i not KNOW this?

DCeiver: Yeah, dude. Party at the Pietanza!

The Governess: i did not know this. i feel...something.

DCeiver: Woo early morning calzones with Mitt Romney. The American dream!

The Governess: I wish they woulda met someplace that had Poppers. Any type of poppers.

DCeiver: Would amyl nitrite poppers count?

DCeiver: Also, you should read the sad story of the only pig in Afghanistan.

The Governess: Aww. Haha. "The interned animal -- known simply as 'Pig.'" Saddest sentence in the universe.

DCeiver: He is friends with the Goat!

The Governess: You mean "Goat," not "the Goat"

DCeiver: It's like the saddest Richard Scarry story in the world!

The Governess: Oh jesus christ it is. We shoulda sent in a trojan pig to pietanza. I am full of wacky ideas like this.

DCeiver: Trojan Pig To Pietanza sounds like a Mission of Burma album.

The Governess: I was like, 3 seconds away from making that joke. Fast fingers, you, nice fast fingers.

DCeiver: Haha.

The Governess: A trojan pig to pietanza full of poppers. Next time!

Soundtrack To Alcee Hastings Talking About Obscure Sex Practices In Congress

2009-05-01T01:50:00.002-05:00

Ryan Grim posted this video classic of Representative Alcee Hastings straight up reading a long list of awesome, multisyllabic perversions into the Congressional Record, for freedom. DCist's cut, which I've posted below, comes in at 3:17, and I naturally wondered what tune would make perfect underscoring for this clip.

My iTunes had many suggestions. The better ones included:

The Lovely Sparrows, "Department Of Foreseeable Outcomes"
Washington Social Club, "River And The Road"
The Delgados, "Is This All That I Came For"
The Cure, "Why Can't I Be You"
Cloud Cult, "Chemicals Collide"
Pavement, "Summer Babe (Winter Version)"
Tori Amos, "Happy Phantom"
Le Loup, "We Are Gods! We Are Wolves!"

Three I really thought would be good, that turned out to be sorta meh, were:

Cansei De Ser Sexy, "Pretend We're Dead"
September 67, "Stephen Malkmus Is A Fucking Snob"
The Killers, "Somebody Told Me"

I'm open to suggestions. "Why Can't I Be You," I think, was especially good.

They All Have A Motto

2009-05-01T01:05:00.001-05:00

Reuters:

Just 29 percent of people with lots of money to spend say they enjoy being recognized as wealthy, down 6 percent from a year ago, a survey showed on Wednesday.
The poll by American Express Publishing and Harrison Group questioned more than 1,500 people in the first quarter of this year with discretionary annual incomes of at least $100,000 and up to $5 million.

Cara David, an executive with American Express Publishing, said wealthy people may not want to be viewed as insensitive to hardship around them.

"People don't want to be called out, they don't want to be seen," she said. "Most people in this group know somebody -- either family, relatives or friends who have suffered because of this economic downturn."

And that's This Day In Exquisite Hardship.